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Riding the Wave

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I was sitting at work, processing a payroll, when my body and heart decided it was time to process another piece of the divorce. I had a memory of us looking at a space we considered renting. We weren't even doing well then, but we were sustaining and I was hopeful and he was comfortable. Seemingly out of nowhere, I was quietly weeping at my desk. Thank god for tall cubical walls - which is one of the grossest things I've ever said, by the way.

I am familiar with grief, and I know this is how it works; it still catches me by surprise when it happens. Even if it was the best possible outcome, I am broken hearted over the end of my marriage - how could I not be? When I promised forever, I was pretty sure I meant it, and I certainly meant to do my best. My best wasn't enough. Not by a long shot.

When I accepted that truth, I got angry. I had so much rage over my impotence and my helplessness. I yelled, shut down, talked shit, consumed my own soul with the unfairness of it all. My anger wasn't enough, either.

I am grieving my best effort. I am grieving my righteous anger and what it did to me. I am grieving the years lost - the ones I spent, and the ones I imagined that are no longer possible. I am grieving the man I loved.

Leaving my marriage was the right choice for both of us, and I have been healthier and happier since doing it. I am still incredibly sad that I was so ineffective in my judgement and in my struggle to keep it together. It's a bit of a paradox. It isn't my fault that I was treated poorly and given second place to an addiction. It is good that I am out. And yet, I am blue that I could not nurture the relationship to the point of survival. That's the nature of codependent relationships. I know it, but I still feel.

The nature of grief is to back off long enough for you to take a step forward before it hits you with another wave, and knocks you off your tentatively placed feet. The good news for us all is that the waves become fewer and farther between. I can take more steps between waves, and I can become stronger while I walk.

I still need these waves to remind me of the depth of this event. It is in my nature to brush off emotional pain and laugh at it, but I believe in feeling grief while it's here. I've been having a lovely time, and (much to my ego's delight) I've been getting a weird amount of attention. It is tempting to move quickly into a situation where I can give and receive affection again and yeah, get laid (it's been... a while). The grief helps keep that impulse in check, and in a way, I'm a little grateful.

I want to open my heart again, but I know it isn't time. For now, I'll pick up my feet and let it pass over me. I will right myself when the water calms.

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  1. Rowan's Avatar
    Do you think he still loves and misses you?
  2. OceanEyes28's Avatar
    I don't know. Why?

    His actions have not indicated love or respect for a very long time, and we were both in denial over that. What he would tell you he feels might be another story.

    Either way, it doesn't really matter.
  3. Rowan's Avatar
    do you say It doesn't matter because you dont care or because whats done is done?
  4. OceanEyes28's Avatar
    I say it from a place of giving up control. I tried to control his drinking, his shitty behavior, and how he participated in marriage for over a year, and I had to stop. I take responsibility for my own actions, but I cannot change him or the way he feels or acts. I am doing what is best for me, and that's all I can do. The way he feels is not something that is up to me.
  5. Coff9's Avatar
    It's scary how much I empathize with this. I've... been through some stuff myself.

    I wish you the very best.
  6. Yoko's Avatar
    Reading through this is helping me move on and let go of some things I've been dealing with. It's helping me realize that divorce is there for a damn good reason. We don't need to deal with whatever toxicity that happens in a marriage. It's a horrific thing to go through. The entire process really. Once it's over with maybe my mother will finally be able to see the nicer side of life.

    Thanks for sharing. Wishing you well .
  7. Pete's Avatar
    Louis CK said it best:

    "Divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it's true because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. That would be sad. If two people were married and ... they just had a great thing and then they got divorced, that would be really sad. But that has happened zero times."

    You can't look at yourself as a failure because of this. Be sad because of the way things ended, but know that it wasn't you. He has issues that only he can sort out when he wants to sort them out. People can ask and tell him to sober up and fly right, but it won't happen until he decides that he has to, or until the courts force him after a dwi or something worse . That's just the way it is with addiction. Hopefully he can get himself right, if only for himself.

    Just remember that it wasn't your fault and that you deserve love and respect.

    You have my number if you want or need to vent
  8. Rocky's Avatar
    Oh hey I didn't know you kept this updated

    I got the story from you already but I hope all is going to be swell for you now! Got you in my thoughts and prayers
  9. OceanEyes28's Avatar
    You guys are the greatest. Thank you x a million.

    Cheers to you who can relate. Part of the reason I'm writing this down is because reading other people's stories helped me when I was in the middle of it. Just passing along experience.