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Sober sucks

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So a lot has gone down in my world as it usually does. Think "Secret Diary of a Call Girl" meets "Sex in the City". Disgusting mix. I have had my fair share of stories. I don't need anymore. From walking halfway across the city for a place to sleep to waking up in a car at 4am and having no idea where you are. Life is life. I've lived it both young and old. Some stories I don't like. Like the one where I flung a truck over train tracks in order to calm an unruly passenger with a knife. Went right through the radio, or the time I pretended I was a prostitute for fun just to see the ugly black side of men. Needless to say I've had my hand in many a nights you would usually see on a movie about people rocking out. The movies most people laugh at and can't imagine a time they would do such things. I did such things. I did them a lot. Now Im sober. Have been for awhile. Not a first timer. a year ago I was mostly always sober. Raising kids. Happily married. Then the big fat separation came and I spent the last year living like I was on vacation every day. Bars, parties, sex, drinking, hang over foods in the morning, and beer and pizza for breakfast. My life was a frat house. Inside of me lived the seven dumb-asses. Drunky, Sleepy, angry, horny, angry again, and lonely. Yes lonely. Surrounded by a million people, drinking and having fun, I was lonely. No amount of mind blowing sex or cocktail could ever please me more than for a few hours. Sober now I think back on it all. Wondering if maybe I have enough stories to keep me company in my old age. Where I am bound to be lonely for the rest of my life. Tom my still husband wanted to work things back out. I've been with him for over a month. Battling my demons. Is it something in me that makes me want to be bad? Love the thrill of getting caught. Under a pile of men? As much as I love him, and I do, he's the only man I can honestly say I love more than just for under the covers, I just can't help but think I'm not the girl he wanted, and sooner or later. Maybe not now, but maybe when the kids are older, when they are gone he's gonna realize he only loves me for me being naughty, and when Im not naughty I am just here. I have stopped being naughty....sort of. However, all for not. In many years to come I will have to hold my breath. Waiting for him to continue the sharade or know in his heart he deserves better. More his kind. Money, class, a social stature. Not me. Im only stories and glitter and laughter and drinking. Sure I am a great mom (Excluding the time my son was in private school for a year and Tom had Ally). Freedom brought me back to 20 years old. Im a great house keeper. I love clean. I love to cook. It's passion though that keeps people together, and me being sober and behaving and throwing away all my friends.....well.....thats me being what he needs. Not what he wants. Just my thoughts. This is the one place I could ever go where no one...not even my friends can find me. Except scorp, sassy, and Tiffers

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