A song I wrote...

[Halie]

It's just a song I've been working on for a little while...so enjoy lol. But I still havent figured out what to call it though...

Verse1:

A shattered heart
becomes weary and broken,
it slowly cracks into a million peaces
from the harsk words that have been spoken

A broken heart
follows its path no more
it loses itself in darkness
with the pain that made it sore.

Chorus:
Cry a little more
feel sorry for yourself
It doesn't matter
'cause he won't come back to you
Break down a little more
feel alone by yourself
It doesn't matter
'cause he won't come back to you

Verse 2:
A scarred heart
yeilds pain inside
the happiness that it used to feel
is carelessly thrown aside

I'll be your crying shoulder,
but you have to move on my friend
I know it's hard and you're suffering
but it's the only way to make the pain end

Chorus x1

Verse 3:

I understand that it hurts
I've felt it before
But I was stronger than you
but I didn't know why he hurt me for
I can't stay forever
but feel better while I'm gone
And when I soon return
Please tell me you have moved on

Chorus:
So cry a little more
feel sorry for yourself
you'll soon realise it doesnt matter
'cause he wont come back to you
Don't break down anymore
don't be alone or by yourself
for it all doesn't matter
'cause he won't come back to you

it all doesn't matter
cause he won't come back to you


I'm open to any critism and any opinions on my song, and maybe even a little help with a name for it lol!

[Georgiet]

the song seems to be alright but for some reason it is a little confusing to read all through it kind of feels a little messed up with some of the words said and one thing is that who is for is for you or more like for a friends or a realtionship of some sort. well for the title don't know if it is a good one why not "stranger" that is the only thing that comes up to mind when i read the thing don't know what else to say now.

[Halie]

It's about a friend who's trying to comfort her other friend after a break up lol. She's trying to use her past experience of being heart-broken by someone else to help her friend move on. That's all basically lol.

But thanks anywayz!

[DragonHeart]

I liked the chorus but honestly, the verses could use some work. Maybe I’m looking at it too much from a poetic perspective --mainly because I don’t write song lyrics-- but it’s choppy and on the cliché side.

For example:

A shattered heart
becomes weary and broken,
it slowly cracks into a million peaces
from the harsk words that have been spoken

First, you keep changing between past and present tense. Stick to one or the other, it just isn’t very effective for both. Secondly, you could shorten the third and fourth lines by removing unnecessary wording.

Shattering heart,
Weary and breaking,
Cracking, a million pieces
Harsh words bespeaking.

Just my opinion of course. I have no real experience with song lyrics and the differences between them and poetry, so take anything I say here with a grain of salt.

~DragonHeart~

[Perdedor]

I like it quite a bit. It's long. A tiny tad bit of chopping on any redundancy will help.

.... I'll provide the guitar solo, lol.

[Mistress Sheena]

Perdedor, please please please increase the content of your posts. I've seen a lot of them and they're all spam and one-liners. Those are frowned upon very much so, and are pretty much against the rules anyway.

I don't want to see another one-liner in the Lit forum again, and if I do, I'll have to warn you. This is your Lit forum Pre-warning, so to speak. Even though you were warned already anyway.

[Echo Zel]

I like them, I think It'd work well as a song (if you havnt made it into one already.

Originally posted by Dragonheart
Shattering heart,
Weary and breaking,
Cracking, a million pieces
Harsh words bespeaking.

Hmmm, Dragonheart, lik you said you are more accostomed to poetry, I think that seems a hell of a lot harder to sing to be honest and it doesnt really look lyrical as it doesnt entirely flow from the tongue.

Anywho, yea, well done FFX_FFX-2Aholic. I like.

[DragonHeart]

I have never sung in my life and don't intend to inflict the horror of such an experience on anyone, living, dead, or otherwise. Hence why I put that disclaimer. It's a lot harder for me to 'hear' a song in my mind by reading lyrics, so I'm only really able to process it as I would a normal poem.

Although I would still consider at least keeping it to one tense instead of jumping around.

~DragonHeart~

[Halie]

Hmm...I never really noticed the different tenses, I think I'll have to fix that lol. But thanks for the comments anyway all of you!

I only wish I could record me actually singing it and then post it on here lol, but unfortunately I can't, Damn. lol.

I might post some of the other songs I've made around on the forum, but I have to make an actual tune for them first lol.

But thanks everyone again for the comments!

[Slick]

Well this is a very old thread but I wanted to add something if your still working on this song. I know when I'm writing my songs and it's about to throw out all the stops in one point, and when it's at it's complete peak, I then move to the bridge. I wasn't real sure if the bridge was at the end, you don't hear that often being that it is a bridge lol. Especially before the final Chorus, since it sums the song up and makes it into a conclusion. I would say by putting in what leads from Verse 3 to the Final Chorus as your bidge...good luck. Great lyrics.