poem "Death has Overcome"

[darksephiroth]

Circling my head like vult ures are my memories.
Stabbing at my back like kinives is my pain.
Tearing at my heart like teeth is my soul.
Scarring my body like needles is my heart.

Blood pours from my empty insides only to reach the empty outsides.
I feel destruction i have caused in my body begin to grow larger.
I scream for help but no one hears my calls as the knives deepen the
pain gains more strength.

I lie on my death bed and you call my name.
Each sound screeching through my ears like thorns.
You call my name over and over but i never answers.
I stain to scream out your name but only silence comes.

But death has overcome me.
And as you lie here and weep
take my heart and hold the key
and with it hold my soul to keep.

[Chez Daja]

Lemme quote you on a few things.

Originally Posted by darksephiroth

Circling my head like vult ures are my memories.
Stabbing at my back like kinives is my pain.
Tearing at my heart like teeth is my soul.
Scarring my body like needles is my heart.

.....This doesn't make sense. Although I can figure out what it means "needles is my heart" doesn't make sense. To be honest, hardly any of the four lines did "knives is" and "needles is" should be "knieves are" and "needles are" if you INSIST on using this type of way to express yourself.

Originally Posted by ds

Blood pours from my empty insides only to reach the empty outsides.
I feel destruction i have caused in my body begin to grow larger.
I scream for help but no one hears my calls as the knives deepen the
pain gains more strength.

Again, this is badly written. It helps if you speak the piece aloud after having written it to discover what it's missing or what it needs.

Originally Posted by DS

I lie on my death bed and you call my name.
Each sound screeching through my ears like thorns.
You call my name over and over but i never answers.
I stain to scream out your name but only silence comes.

From the "s" on "answer" which was totally uneeded (although I figure it may have been a typo) and the last line. That stuff is bad. Re-word. The rest of it is good.

Originally Posted by DS

But death has overcome me.
And as you lie here and weep
take my heart and hold the key
and with it hold my soul to keep.

The best part.