Victor and Roxie

[Lai]

This might be the best story ever written. I'm immensely proud of this piece of writing.


If you’ve ever heard the name Victor before, the first Victor you thought about was probably the most important Victor of them all. If you’ve never heard the name Victor before, then pay attention because this is an important story. You see, Victor was born and raised on a farm in a small town in Nebraska, North America. He never asked for much from life. Three meals a day and a nice place to sleep at night were all that he really wanted. However, Victor just couldn’t seem to get away from the general public. They were always asking him for help with everything. He was too kind to tell them no, so he usually found himself out and about more often than not.

This might be a good time to remind the reader just what Victor looked like. Or inform, if this is the first you’ve ever heard of him. He stood about five feet tall, which was a little taller than average for his background, but still pretty short when compared to everyone else around him. He had a fine coat of gray, curly hair and didn’t mind one bit that there were white hairs all over his head. No, that was the least of his concerns. One thing that did worry him, however, was the large pair of kryptonite wings that he had growing from his back. He didn’t know what his wings were made of until his fateful encounter with Superman. They tried to play a game of touch football, but when Superman tried to two-hand touch him, he dropped dead. The wings had been there for as long as he could remember. They were great for flying, but he made an awful spectacle of himself whenever he would go someplace where nobody knew him.

Yes, life was good growing up on that old llama farm in Nebraska. His owner gave him everything he needed. How could he not? Victor’s owner, old man Bojangles, loved Victor more than anything else in the world. After all, Victor kept the world safe from evil-doers. Not only was Victor a crime fighting llama with kryptonite wings, but he also had a best friend named Roxie. Roxie was considerably smaller than Victor. She stood at about a foot and a half and had a wingspan of just over forty inches. Forty was average for a falcon of her size. Even better, though, was the fact that her wings happened to be bullet-proof. A magical wizard named Edward had enchanted them one day after Roxie had saved his cat from impending doom. Edward’s cat, Bartleby, had fallen down a well. Roxie had flown down into the well and picked up little Bartleby and brought him to safety.

Roxie’s present of bullet-proof wings, however, is not the main focus of this story. Instead, it would be better to tell the tale of Victor’s final deed for the good of mankind. While the full tale of the bullet-proof wings is an interesting one, that story should, and will, be saved for a future point in time. This story will start where all others do: the beginning. Not the beginning of time, though. You can find that in the Bible. This story will start at the beginning of Victor’s and Roxie’s final bout with evil.

As most people in the northern hemisphere will be able to tell you, the day can get pretty warm mid-July. Especially around one-o’-clock pm. Especially when a certain wallaby named Chester had created a global warming device. While in the northern hemisphere it may have been the middle of summer, it was the middle of winter in the southern hemisphere. And if you know your geography, you’ll know that Australia is right smack in the southern hemisphere. While it wasn’t necessarily cold in Australia (where Chester lived), it certainly wasn’t warm enough for him. Chester liked it when the weather was in the 120s. But when Chester gave the temperature down south a little boost, it turned out to be way too powerful and warmed up the northern hemisphere, as well.

The people went to Victor and Roxie to solve the problem. “Please, Victor,” they begged, “you have to help us! The temperature is so hot! You have to find the reason behind it and solve the problem!”

Originally, Victor only attributed it to the fact that it was a mid-summer’s day. But after it had gone on for several months, Victor decided he had to get to the bottom of the problem. So he and Roxie took off to find the solution to the problem. For a long time, they were baffled. They couldn’t understand where the heat was coming from. However, after they spend more and more time searching, they finally traced the source down to the southern hemisphere. Once they traced the heat back to Australia, they finally found Chester.

For several hours, Victor, Roxie, and Chester spoke, drank tea, and shot hoops. Finally, Chester announced his refusal to lower the heat of the world. Upon his refusal, Victor became so angered that he spread his kryptonite wings and flew up into the air. He circled Chester for what seemed like a decade, but in reality it was only moments. He dove towards the ground, but Chester rolled out of the way just in time. Roxie decided it was her turn. However, just as she began to flap her wings, Chester swung his tail at her and hit her straight in the chest. Victor would not stand for this.

Victor flew up into the air again, this time taking Roxie with him. As he beat his kryptonite wings, Roxie beat her bullet-proof wings, and a large gust of wind shot out towards Chester. However, Chester countered this attack, too, by kicking it right back. It once again hit Roxie, knocking her out of the air and onto the ground. Her bullet-proof wings hit the ground first and split in two. Roxie would fly no more. At this, Victor grew even further infuriated and decided to once again dive-bomb at Chester.

Chester was so absorbed in laughing at Roxie’s misfortune that he completely did not see Victor’s attack on him. Victor’s feet came crashing down into Chester’s skull, killing him almost instantly. Victor’s joy at his victory was as apparent as man-pleasure on a dark pair of jeans under a black light. Roxie tried to force a smile, but she was in so much pain due to her split wings that more tears of agony were shed than tears of joy. Don’t get me wrong, she was happy, too. But she was in a lot of pain. For birds, wings are kind of like arms. Imagine having your arms snapped in two. See where I’m coming from?

The moral of the story is, don’t piss in the Congo. Did you ever hear about that guy who peed in the Congo and had those little fish swim up his urine? Yeah, that was real. Watch out for those guys.

Oh yeah, Victor. He went home with Roxie on his back and flew back to Nebraska. He had been so caught up in celebrating, however, that he had completely forgotten to flip the switch to turn off Chester’s Heat Machine. The world had become so hot on Victor’s way back to the States that the polar ice caps had begun to melt. Do you have any idea how hot the world has to get for those ice caps to melt? We’ll leave it at saying that there was a lot of soup going on. When people refer to the US as the melting pot of the world, they literally meant “melting”. They apparently knew years in advance that this kind of thing was going to happen.

Nothing else is really that important to know. I told you the basic gist of the story, and that should be good enough. Any problems, feel free to contact me. You have my number.

[Mistress Sheena]

Uhm.. So.

This "story" is.. something about a llama and a falcon. With super powers.
Is it just me, or is this story going way off the cliche meter? It's so totally unoriginal.

I mean.. Llama with Kryptonite wings. Falcon with bulletproof wings. Drug induced, maybe?

[Lai]

You know, you're not the first person to tell me that.

Actually, the concept was drawn up by a friend of mine. He told me he wanted me to write a story about a llama with kryptonite wings, so I did it. What they did was entirely up to me, but the concept is not my own, sadly.

[Mistress Sheena]

I would be sad if the concept was your own.
Good to hear that it isn't, though. It was well written, I'll give you that. I need to start writing so I can send things out to get rejected. Maybe I'll post them here sometime.

[Lai]

Send them out to where? Are you trying to get published? What kinds of stories/books do you write?

[Mistress Sheena]

I mostly write SF&F. But I'll have to branch out a bit if I want to get published.
But I'll probably stick to the Fiction area though. I'm not good at Nonfiction.

There's a story I posted here. Although it's a very rough first draft that needs re-writing.