Sephiroth's Writing

[Sephiroth Spawn]

Hi... new in here, i have some stuff in here can you comment please?
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What's going on?
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Is gonna be one of those days,
See at TV and at Internet, this world decays.
Everything I do for this situation is crushed down,
Little tries, useless tries... better hang on tight.

Ignorance, greed and thirst of power grows,
Your wildest and creepiest side shows.
What's that thing going on in TV? War news,
Just another way to distortion our views.

See what humankind is harvesting, Fear, money and porn they seeds,
What make us wild? What you can't take away? What it is? Greed's.

Oh Hell, this is for real
No better way out, no better deal
Nonsenses, bullsh*t and crap
No one escapes society's trap
No you see, ain't a joke
Bury yourself, kill some time, turn to smoke
No one ever understood this, no one ever will, no one
Nobody sees it, nobody know what's goin' on

I will just live my life my own God damn way.
No one to take me out from here, no one to take it away.
Sure this is gonna be loud... make it all tonight.
Sure this gonna be dark... so make it all alight.

See it, hear it, dream awake tonight.
For you this is wrong, for 'em it is right.
Nothing to make you sleep, just thinkin things like in love.
Everything is decaying, nothin is like "above".

Nobody sees it, nobody know what's goin' on,
Society's liders do this just for merely fun.
Feel the beat, if not you are dead,
Is all damn so loud... why don't joind the crowd?

I stand and i see from far; hate, violence and war,
I can tell by your face... you feel out of place.

Why only hate?... what is this?... fate?!
I realized too late... that is too late.
Oh, God, please God... hear our plea,
Please save us... save the earth before it bleeds.
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Sephiroth Spawn.-

[DragonHeart]

It's not bad but there are a few issues I noticed from the first read-through. A lot of it, especially the rhymes, seem very forced and that detracts from the strength of the writing. Because of this, it doesn't flow very well and doesn't pick up any rhythm. You can see this in the way the stanzas vary from very short to very long. Also, the grammatical errors and forced word usage really trips up the pacing, making the reader 'stumble' over it.

It's a nice first draft, but it does need some work if you want to have more impact on your readers.

~DragonHeart~

[FFanatic]

I agree.I couldn't do any better,but it's a very good piece of literature,I have to give you your props on this piece of work.Yes the rhymes seemed 'forced',but the poem was good.Keep up writing.

[Psiko]

There is no real nice way to do this, so I might as well be a bit of an ass about it. Please do not take this to be personal, as it is not, I just want you to know what your biggest areas for improvement are.

Your flow is horrible. When the flow is dead, I tend to skim a lot. I was skimming before the end of the first stanza. I had to force myself to trudge through the jumble of words. Poetry NEEDS to flow beautifully. Nothing else is as important as this. Not diction, not rhyming, not word count or line count. Flow trumps all. If you have no flow, you have no poem. Simple as that.

Second, you need to brush up on your grammar. You punctuation is awful. "..." has no place in any form of publishable works. I'd rather see "lol" in the middle of a poem than "...", but perhaps I'm just anal about those things.

My best advice for you is to read the poem aloud. Do this often. Vary the pauses as you go. Find the spots where you have to stop to get a breath mid-line. Listen for the words that scream out and say "I don't belong!". Read the poem slowly, and then read it fast. See where you stumble over words. Poetry, when written well, is a beautiful thing.

[Sephiroth Spawn]

Ha ha ha ha... well... this is not the first forum on which i put my work... And sorry about my grammar, but English is not my main language...

Oh, about these "..." i have an explanation, but i won't give it to you Psiko...

Well, anyway, thanks... this is not my best work, i got a lot of 'em but only 3 or 2 are "OK"... hum, i'll try it Psiko, thanks!

Soon i'll post more, so... wait for it...
It will be called... "Nameless" (kinda ironic, uh?)