Fallen angels

[Itachi Uchiha]

This is the opening for a piece of english i had to do. I got a high mark for it but lets see what you lot think. I've have changed my mind and i'm going to post the whole thing but please don't copy.

Fallen angels

Prologue

We all see the world from different points of view; some see it as a happy and wonderful place while others see it as a dark and unforgiving place. But I see what it really is because I know the truth, the real truth. Few people know of this truth and many aren’t ready for it as I wasn’t either. Darkness. Pain. Suffering. This is what our lives are secretly filled with and have become one with. At first I thought it was a gift but it is really a curse. This curse is what we have to live with but not until we die, no this is an eternal curse. We are trapped in this realm with no release, no freedom, we are bound here. We are immortal and all we can do is show people the truth but we give it them at a price, the price of this curse, this torment. We are the fallen angels and this is how I became one. This is the beginning of my end…

Chapter one

It all begins, it all ends

As in most things, stories start with happy and sunny days were everything is alright and this is no different. Yes, it was a sunny day as I made my way into the city and it was full of life; teenagers hanging around causing trouble, beggars asking for money as people walked past them and everyone was going somewhere. Me, on the other hand, I was heading to the city arena as I always did one a month for a computer feast, which from my view was an exciting thing but as I look back on it now I see how pointless my life really was.

It sounds boring doesn’t it? A middle aged man going to an arena for some computer stuff, well as I said it was something I looked forward to back then. Anyway, as I got to the arena everything was still normal and I proceeded in. Making my way in the city grew dark; looking up some clouds had covered the sun, nothing new just normal weather. My smile which I had with excitement had turned to a sulk and a moan of boredom as the event hadn’t changed since last time. All the same stuff from last month was still here and to think, I had wasted my money on this load of rubbish but still I might as well get my money out of it as I had a look around. As dull as it all seemed there were some new stalls which did interest me but not for long. When was this day going to be over? I had to drag myself around in a slow snail like pace until I was completely fed up with it all. About to collapse from this mind numbing technology, I headed back to my car. I was unaware of what lay ahead for me and the horror to come.

Slowly in my miserable pace I reached the car park when it happened. If I could have changed this moment I would have stayed inside and died of boredom instead of seeing this but fate had wanted me to see this; it was destiny, nothing could change it. I reached into my pocket for my keys and without warning the skies turned; it’s once clear sunny atmosphere had turned to dark blacks clouds. I couldn’t see anything as a cold breeze passed through the streets. But where did these clouds come from? It was like the world had turned to night in an instant. Darkness was everywhere. Cries of terror soon filled the streets and the streetlights came on. We could see again but we’d all regret it.
I cried out as the city lit up and the creatures appeared. From what I could see they looked like black wraiths, huge in size but few in number. They looked as if they were made out of the black clouds themselves as there appearance was blurry. Two huge things hung over them? Or was that just there misty look. What were they? That was the main question I was asking myself. The mixture of pure darkness and sudden light blurred my vision and I couldn’t see what was really happening. I thought they were alien attackers as my mind sprung back into life. So many thoughts went through my mind and I couldn’t control it, I was panicking because I didn’t know what was happening. What were these things and were they going to kill us? As my eyes focused I saw what they were doing; they were taking people at random, but why? When they grabbed someone they disappeared, back into the shadows from whence they came. What if they took me? What was happening to those people?

Eventually the clouds faded away and the creatures were gone. So much had happened. I felt as if I had lost it, was I going insane or was that all real? Yes, it had to be real. People everywhere was crying out in fear, others mourned over people they had lost, I was stunned. What had just happened? That’s what I was thinking. Insanity filled my mind as my grip on reality had been shaken. There was only one thing that proved it had happened. The jet black feathers that were scattered through the streets…

So what do you think then?

[-Xu-]

I really like it.

Post the rest, if it's as good as that it'll be great.

I love the fallen angel references.

[DragonHeart]

If that's the first draft, it's fairly decent. If it's intended to be a final, it needs a lot of polish. I don't know if you want a full critique or not so I'll just highlight what I noticed the most.

In my opinion, the prologue should be written in past tense. Your character is retelling something that already happened, not something that is happening as he's narrating it. You have a couple of tense changes in there anyways so even if you don't, at least change it so it's all present tense. Flows much better that way.

As far as the chapter, it has a lot of filling but not much meat. There's some detail, but overall I found it boring. It's like your character is writing a report, not reliving a life-changing event. The personality, the emotion, the humanity just isn't there.

It's not necessarily a bad piece, it just needs some work. Lose the unimportant details and expand on the ones that affect the plot. Add in more emotions and less thoughts. You want your reader to be immersed in the story, not give them the cut and dried play-by-play.

I think if you can do that you'd have quite a dark tale there.

That's my opinion on it, anyways.

~DragonHeart~

[bloodrunner]

hey m8 i think tht roks red it be4 wen u showed it me in skule and well it roks!!!!