My Wish(Poem)

[Rikkuffx]

I see a shooting star at night
I wish for you to hold me tight
Throughout all the gloomy days
I just wish to fly away

Another one shoots by
across the midnight blue sky
I wish for a a white ball gown
and to not fall down

The stars are so bright
the pumpkin carriage awaits
on this beautiful night
everything feels just right

The last star flys by
I wish this could last
I have to go now
My wish is for a fairy tale ending.

[Psiko]

The content within the poem is very nice; however, that being said your poem needs some work. Most of your lines are short and quick, but there are a few bogged down with wordiness that kills the flow. Also you go from a nice AABB rhyme scheme in the first two stanzas to having ABAA in the third and nothing in the fourth. Something to keep in mind.

If you'd like more specific criticism, or help with editing, PM me and I'll be glad to assist you in any way I can. ^^;;

[Rikkuffx]

Originally Posted by psiko

The content within the poem is very nice; however, that being said your poem needs some work. Most of your lines are short and quick, but there are a few bogged down with wordiness that kills the flow. Also you go from a nice AABB rhyme scheme in the first two stanzas to having ABAA in the third and nothing in the fourth. Something to keep in mind.

If you'd like more specific criticism, or help with editing, PM me and I'll be glad to assist you in any way I can. ^^;;

I think its fine except the ending. Maybe I wanted my poem to have short lines,is that a problem?and maybe I wanted aabb and abaa

[Casanova[OCAU]]

Wow.. i think the content is brilliant. I'm no expert on poetry as far as the structure goes, but everything except the last line looks great to me. Great work!

[Lai]

It's a really corny poem, but I think that adds to it rather than takes away from it. I've noticed that in your poems, you really have a problem with getting them to flow well. The first stanza flows excellently, but the second hardly flows at all. The third stanza, without a matching rhyme scheme, just seems out of place. Your fourth stanza is just entirely off, but you said yourself that you thought it was somewhat off.

It's not a bad poem, but you just need to work on your flow more.

[Psiko]

Originally Posted by Rikkuffx

I think its fine except the ending. Maybe I wanted my poem to have short lines,is that a problem?and maybe I wanted aabb and abaa

I do believe you have misinterpretted my post and the intentions within. What I said was that you have a few lines in there that affect the smoothness of the flow. Word choice is more important when you have short lines, because one three-syllable word or a pair of two-syllable words can potentially kill the flow. I never said I dislike short lines, nor did I say that you shouldn't use them.

What I tried to offer with my post was some constructive criticism. As a writer myself, I value the opinions of others on all of my works. But if all you want to hear (or can handle hearing) is "Good poem! I like it!", then you should state that in your original post. Not everyone is going to think something is perfectly written. Believe me, I've recieved criticism that has made me feel incompetent as a writer. But it is not offered to make you feel worthless, it is there to try and help you learn from mistakes and improve your writing as a whole.

If you want to leave it how it is, that is your decision. I simply offered my opinion on the poem, and even went as far as to graciously offer to give you more in-depth assistance. What an ass I must be! If you can't take criticism, you shouldn't post something here where people can critique it. Simple as that.

[Rikkuffx]

Originally Posted by Lai Lai Hei

It's a really corny poem, but I think that adds to it rather than takes away from it. I've noticed that in your poems, you really have a problem with getting them to flow well. The first stanza flows excellently, but the second hardly flows at all. The third stanza, without a matching rhyme scheme, just seems out of place. Your fourth stanza is just entirely off, but you said yourself that you thought it was somewhat off.

It's not a bad poem, but you just need to work on your flow more.

right...i just won't post my poetry anymore,they obviously aren't good enough to share,even if one is published,thanks to whoever gave me a bad rep on my poem,that makes me feel wonderful especially a day before my birthday.

[Lai]

Calm yourself down. First off, it doesn't matter when your birthday is, criticism is criticism. Secondly, stop taking it personally. You wrote a poem, asked for opinions, and they were given. If you can't take other peoples' opinions, don't ask for them.