'A Smiling Lament' (A poem)

[Shiendar]

'A Smiling Lament'
By Cassandra Lone (Nightmare Slayer)
Inspired by Spiders by System of a Down

looking up under a clouded Night sky
weaving my beautiful Web of half-truths and lies
finding you looking upon me in secret
lies begetting lies, deceit birthing deceit
my Robes were once white, then red, now black
I m@imed you before with my spindle, yet you came back
Truth makes it sharper, tears are it's poison
even faith cannot take away what it has given
a Believer once before, now filled with doubt and remorse-
You know my gifts cand take it away or make it worst
the Shades from my Soul's shell whisper promises in your ear
though they are empty, meaningless, you still chose to hear
driven to the brink of Madness, you only find my ear to confide
In my truth, you found torment, no shadows in which to hide
my lies gave you h@te, my deceit gave you purpose anew
Like poisonous nighshade, in the darkest nights you grew
your Soul tainted, my web becoming tighter, you became a Killer
Forgetting the days you knew before for her
You have forsaken the Him Above, the fault is thine
Even your once sharp eyes do not see: your soul is now mine.

I'm sure the BOD will get a kick out of this one~! ^__^

[Rikkuffx]

That was an extremely well written poem. I have never read anything like this. The imagery that you used went really good, the strong words were wonderful and created much emotion. Kudos to you! I think the flow was beautiful but some things did seem forced into flowing.

[Lai]

It was a decent poem. It didn't seem to flow at all. I had to re-read a couple of lines to try and get the feel of how the poem was supposed to flow. The imagerey was good, yes, but it seemed forced at times. Besides that, the "your soul is now mine" doesn't really seem to fit, but whatever works for you.

[Hikari]

my Robes were once white, then red, now black

Is this a final fantasy reference or just saying something along the lines of 'I was nice, then I learned to kill, now my robes are black to hide the blood better'?

[Psiko]

I agree completely with Lai Lai Hei on this one: your flow needs work.

That being said, as a whole the poem is good. I see mistakes in there, but nothing kills this poem as much as that flow. You should rewrite it to try and fix the problems therein. Perhaps using shorter lines? Long lines like that tend to become choppy and bogged down with wordiness too easily, which I feel is the biggest problem. Just about every one of your lines could be cut into two separate lines, actually. Instead of going with long lines with an AABB rhyme scheme, try cutting the lines down and use an ABCB rhyme scheme.

In fact, if you'd like some assistance, PM me and I'll help you edit the poem. Then, from there, you can keep whichever version you like best. ^^;;

[Shiendar]

It was a difficult poem to write, but I realized the problems with the flow. Heh. Better stuff will come. White is like the robes of a priestess. Red is for m#rder and black is for the death of whatever good was in the speaker.