Fatal Existence

[Hikari]

I was waiting for someone and had been reading a book of stories by the brothers Grimm. I got bored and wrote this. It took me about twenty minutes so don't expect too much. Feel free to critisize it all you want; and, if you can, compare it to what you know about the brothers Grimm's stories. I wrote it as much as I could in their style.




There once lived a woodcutter and his wife. They lived in a shack in the woods and were very happy. Soon they had a little girl. She was a very beautiful girl, at only the age of five she had long locks of blond hair and gorgeous blue eyes. They were very proud of her.


The woodcutter would sometime take his daughter along on his trips to sell his lumber in the nearby village. Everyone was jealous of the woodcutter. How could a someone like him had such a beautiful daughter like her. They decided to get rid of the parents. Eventually the village butcher was chosen for the to do so. He was a friendly man whom nobody would ever suspect to kill them. He went into the woods. Soon enough he came back, carrying the sleeping girl on his back.


The villagers were very happy to have the girl, but they soon realized something. Who was to take care of the girl? Everyone wanted to keep her, and they all had their reasons. The butcher said he should keep her since he was the one who brought here back. The priest said that was out of the question, a little girl shouldn’t be raised around dead animal and their killer, she should be raised up religiously and in a safe home. The herdsman said that wasn’t right either. You shouldn’t confine her and keep her hidden from the world, she should be raised around animals. Where she could play outside and play with the other children in the village.


This went on for many hours. One after the other, everyone would say why this person can’t raise her and why they were more suitable for the job. Eventually, the blacksmith decided this had been going on for to long. He went home, came back with his rifle, and shot a few people. After seeing this, everyone ran home. The blacksmith took the girl home and was happy.


Everyone thought he was mad, but, at the same time, believed he was also doing the best thing . The next day was the worst. Half of the towns men came out with guns and began walking to the blacksmith’s house. Within minutes, the door was on the ground and the corps of the blacksmith on top of it. The villagers realized once again that they were all there, but only one of the girl was there.


The villagers decided only one thing could be done. They all began to shoot each other, one at a time. The little girl just sat there the whole time, crying. The villagers kept fighting, paying no attention to the girl’s tears. Suddenly, the girl had had enough. She ran and began telling them to stop, that violence was bad. No one would listen to her. She saw a man on his knees; he was wounded in the leg. The girl ran to him, thinking that someone at her level would listen to her. The man saw her running at him and grabbed her. At the same time, someone had decided to finish the man off. The bullet had missed, the girl was now dead.


This wasn’t realized till about five minutes later, when there were only a few men were left and some woman decided to join. They all began to blame each other and kept on fighting. Soon almost the entire village was gone. Only a few people left. Many killed them selves after seeing their spouses and children killed in the fight. The rest of them decided it wasn’t a good place to live anymore and headed for a new village.


Later that day, two people arrived in the village. It was the woodcutter and his wife. They came looking for their daughter after they found her missing. They found her and now they wish they never had. They continued living in the woods. People came and went asking what had happened. Of course they would just smile and tell them that it didn’t matter, she was dead.

[Chez Daja]

The wording is done really well - and I'm glad to see minimal spelling mistakes, (usually other words from people I've read have millions of mistakes that I can't interpret). The story was well written, perhaps you could go on to write a longer story and post it here as well.

I haven't read anything from the Brothers Grimm, but the story seemed to be told as if someone were reading it straight from a book and to an audience. That's a good way to tell a story.

Perhaps the rushed killings near to the ending could've been written about slightly differently. Maybe the villagers could've really gotten each other so worked up that it led to one shot, and then everyone went out of control from fear, etc... It's a good story, though.

As I always say about creativity, even the best writers and artists have room for improvement.

I liked this, though. It was short and somewhat bittersweet as well.

[Hikari]

I though about making the killings more detailed, but by then I was out of the writting mood and couldn't think as well. I also went back and fixed my spelling when I was done. I had abot fifteen errors probably. My friend helped me catch all of themm and rewrite a small bit in the intro.

Glad you liked it. (:

[Taco]

I like the idea; an object of a community's interest that makes them jealous of one another and creates a division between them. Silly villagers can't share. Then, the one thing they wanted is lost amidst their fighting. (La la la, needlessly summing the story up.) The gruesomeness of the deaths, including that of the little girl, do give this the feel of a Grimm fairy tale.

I don't get why the parents didn't seem to be sad at the end, when they found their child dead, however. I also have a lot of issues with the grammar, and certain details in the story. Even if they seem obvious, some things need to be better explained, such as the part when the blacksmith's door was on the ground, and he was on top of it. How did that happen? Also, the details of the deaths of the villagers in the final fight over the girl would've been good, as Chez mentioned. Maybe not the details of every death, but a description or two; "As the priest fired into the chest of the baker, his head suddenly exploded upon impact with a round fired by the butcher," or something like that.

However, this is very good for your age; I don't think I ever could have written anything this good, when I was 8. I may also be a little bit more nit-picky than most, as I was in a very anal Creative Writing course two terms ago, where everyone was hardcore like that. Heh. (They would've wanted even more details than I described.) But that's college level.

I like it. You're off to a good start, ma'am I hope I wasn't too harsh, or anything...

Wuv, Yer Mom

[Malevolence]

I have some compliments, but also some criticisms you may want to heed. Some of them are story-wise, and some of them are writing wise, but they all owuld improve the quality of the writing.

The concept of the story is good, but I think some of the ideas and actions need to be more developed. You can't just say something happened that's interesting and call it good writing, you have to make it interesting for someone to read. Instead of simply letting the reader assume something hapened, you should be more descriptive. For instance:

Eventually the village butcher was chosen for the to do so. He was a friendly man whom nobody would ever suspect to kill them. He went into the woods. Soon enough he came back, carrying the sleeping girl on his back. [...] Later that day, two people arrived in the village. It was the woodcutter and his wife. They came looking for their daughter after they found her missing.

Here, from what I could tell, I think you made it out that the butcher didn't have the heart to kill the parents, and just took the child instead. This idea needs to be more clear. Either by insterting something at the end about how the woodcutter and his wife saw someone in their camp brandishing a meat cleaver, or something indicating that the butcher had a change of heart is necessary to make that clear. Also:

How could a someone like him had such a beautiful daughter like her. They decided to get rid of the parents.

The butcher said he should keep her since he was the one who brought here back. The priest said that was out of the question, a little girl shouldn’t be raised around dead animal and their killer, she should be raised up religiously and in a safe home. The herdsman said that wasn’t right either. You shouldn’t confine her and keep her hidden from the world, she should be raised around animals. Where she could play outside and play with the other children in the village.

Things like this should be formatted as dialogue, said by specific people. It makes the story more dynamic, and gives the characters some life and personality. Right now, not to be harsh, but it sounds as if your story is being played out by cardboard puppets. You need to deepen your characters and give them emotions and feelings that a reader can empathize with. Additionally:

Eventually, the blacksmith decided this had been going on for to long. He went home, came back with his rifle, and shot a few people. After seeing this, everyone ran home. The blacksmith took the girl home and was happy.

Whoa! Plot twists and character development are one thing, but this just stuck the story and the reader into the blacksmith's forge and dunked them in an ice-cold bucket of tamping water! Slow down! There needs to be a buildup to this. AS I said before, adding dialogue that shows a buildup in the blacksmith's outrage and anger would make this less of a startling punch to the face for the reader. Lastly, there are just some grammatical and structural errors, such as:

[...]

when there were only a few men were left and some woman decided to join. [...] Only a few people left. Many killed them selves after seeing their spouses and children killed in the fight.

"Women" is plural, "woman" is singular. The second sentence is not complete - it's an awkward fragment and should be fixed to say something like. "By the end there were [the essential verb] only a few people left," or something to that effect. "Themselves" is a single word, and should not be separated.

Oh, another note: Don't use size 3 fonts, it looks silly and rather childish. It takes away from the story when everything looks so...loopy.

Overall, I love the concept, but the writing itself needs to be honed, and, more specifically, lengthened and elaborated upon to turn this into a true masterpiece. The talent is there, and you need to grab it and use it.