[CHIP]

Do you ever feel like slamming you head against a brick wall?! Have you ever been unfairly banned from a public forum? Have you ever been singled-out and unfairly discriminated against on a public forum? Do you want to return to your old forum but can’t because you’ve been permanently banned? Well, I can help you…

Here’s a tried and tested step by step guide showing you how you can get un-banned from any forum you like in less than three weeks. Is it possible? Hell yeah – all you have to do is follow this guide very carefully. Good luck!

How to get yourself un-banned from any forum in less than 3 weeks

A step by step guide:

Week 1: OK, so you’ve just been banned from your favourite forum, you’re self-esteem is so low you’re having regular thoughts of committing suicide and your girlfriend thinks you’re a pathetic mess. You’re also starting to develop a number of withdrawal symptoms that are impacting on your job and even your own reflection is starting to hate you.

You are desperate to get back on the forum that you were banned from because it’s the only thing in your life that you have left. So, how do you go about un-banning yourself?

Well, for starters, you’ll need to create a number of accounts on the forum under a variety of different usernames. Any username is good, but the more obscure you can make it the less chance there is that people are likely to unmask your true identity. An example of an obscure username is something like “Dancing Wizard Magicus Feeticus” or “Daedric the Prince of Madness.” The more obscure you can make it the better.

You may also want to give yourself an obscure avatar as well. You don’t get much more obscure than French toast so go with something like that (As demonstrated with my avatar).

Once you’ve finished creating your online details then you can begin posting on your forum again. But whatever you do, don’t make any ridiculous posts, or stir up any controversy. And try not to seek revenge on any forum members that you may or may not secretly have grudges against, as that will only end up with you getting banned again.

Instead, show the admins how much of a brilliant member you are by posting intelligent topics, sparking intellectual discussions, and conversing intelligently with other forum members. Saying stuff like “Yes, I completely agree with you, you couldn’t be more right” and “This forum is so awesomely amazing it’s teaching me so much and I’m growing as a human being every single day that I stay here” will make other forum members warm towards you and earn you their respect.

Of course, as is so often the case in these situations, you’re true identity will eventually be unmasked (probably by someone on the forum who knows you well) and you will again be banned. Chances are your ISP address will be banned too and the admins and moderators will be on high-alert for the next 5 days. Things are looking bad, but don’t fret, because this is all just part of the process in getting yourself un-banned. Trust me.

Week 2: Your ISP address has just been cruelly banned by the admins, you’re feeling so depressed you’ve already attempted to end your own life on three separate occasions and your girlfriend has recently just has left you for your more attractive older brother. You’ve also stopped eating solid foods and you’ve become so socially inept you can’t even walk out your own front door without convulsing and having a panic attack.

Things aren’t looking good and the admins continue to block your path like a group of unforgiving green turds. Don’t worry though, because the second stage in getting yourself un-banned is coming straight up.

First things first. Your ISP address has been banned which means you’ve been restricted access from browsing the forum. How do you overcome this problem? Easy. You simply go under as an anonymous user by visiting this site anonymouse.org… and by typing in the URL of the forum you wish to visit. Problem solved. You’re now back in business and once again browsing over your beloved forum. You may wish to give yourself a pat on the back now. Well done!

As before, create a new account and begin making regular contributions to the forum. Make sure that all of your contributions are constructive to the forum. If you want people to really take notice of you then post a couple of interesting topics followed by a few of your best jokes. It also helps if you compliment the admins. Tell them that they all have really chiselled-features and that they’re the main source of your inspiration and stuff. Don’t take it too far though, because they might start to suspect something’s up.

Once you’ve paid the admins their compliments then concentrate your focus on the moderators. Most moderators have very big heads and they suck-up any kind of compliment you give them, which just makes their heads even more inflated. If you can pull some of your best compliments out the bag then they might really start to like you. This is good. This is what you want.

After about 5 days or so your true identity will again be uncovered and you will again be banned. Keep cool though, because this is all just part of the process.

Week 3: You’re now in the deepest state of depression that you’ll ever be in your life and you regularly experience hallucinations of floating pink bunny rabbits and flying pigs. You’re parents are convinced you’re taking drugs and the police have just stormed your apartment and smashed up your PS3. You also spend most of your day thumping your head repeatedly against your own computer and sticking sharp laminated objects into your eyes. You are now on the edge and you are about to kill yourself. But wait! Don’t do it! Because I’m about to tell you the final step in un-banning yourself from your forum. If you follow this final step then you will un-ban yourself. Trust me. It has never failed.

Log yourself back on to your forum under a new username but this time instead of posting get in contact with one of the most influential members on the board. Make sure the person you get in contact with has a sympathetic attitude towards you and feels very sorry for how pathetic you are. Ask them kindly if they could talk to the admins and discuss taking you back. Once you’ve done this you must then wait for their reply. You may also want to send the admins a very sympathetic letter explaining to them all how sad and pathetically upset you are, and how much you’ve learnt from your mistakes. The beauty of this is that they will think you have so much integrity for openly admitting your mistakes and chances are they’ll welcome you back with open arms.

Congratulations!! You’ve just un-banned yourself from your forum, and best of all, you’ve done it in less than 3 weeks. Call up your girlfriend and tell her the good news. You may even want to celebrate this occasion with a bottle of expensive wine or a pack of your favourite beer. How do you feel? Do you feel like you’ve achieved something great? Yes, I bet you do. Well, take your girlfriend out for dinner at a posh restaurant tonight. You deserve it.

--------------------

Frequently asked questions

What do I need to succeed in getting myself un-banned from public forums? Patience, a cool head, a pack or two of anti-depressants and nerves of steel. And a lot of faith.

How long can it take? Sometimes up to eight months but it all depends on how much time you commit to it. It is possible to un-ban yourself from a forum in less than ten days. I’m living proof.

Will any of the forum members feel resentment towards me because I got myself un-banned? Good question. Hopefully not. But if they do then just do your best to ignore them.

If I do un-ban myself will I get banned again? No. Not if you stay clear from insulting other members and generally just acting like a jerk.

Have you ever got un-banned from a forum? Yes, a few. If you follow my step my step guide then there’s no reason why you can’t do the same.

What if I get banned from the forum after being accepted back? In a nut shell, you’re fu*ked. Or, you can try and get back again by making a thread that explains how other members can get themselves un-banned. This might impressive the admins enough to reconsider taking you back.

What if that fails? Kill yourself.

[LocoColt04]

Well hello there, amFu. Your primary account is not banned. If this is a duplicate account, I'll be removing it shortly.

The ban period is a year. Our users need to learn to deal with that. Ban evasion isn't part of our policy. If, for some reason, you are not amFu (which is quite the possibility, even with two out of three exact IP matches that existed between only two members), please contact me via one of the methods you listed above.

We'll talk. I'll be nice about it.

Until then, I am under the assumption that this is a duplicate account and it will thusly be banned. After all, most people wouldn't make their first post in six months be such a cry for attention.

% This is the RIPE Whois query server #2.
% The objects are in RPSL format.
%
% Rights restricted by copyright.
% See http://www.ripe.net/db/copyright.html

% Note: This output has been filtered.
%       To receive output for a database update, use the "-B" flag

% Information related to '195.2.133.0 - 195.2.133.255'

inetnum:         195.2.133.0 - 195.2.133.255
netname:         SAQ-OWN-ADSL-133
descr:           SAQ is an Internet Service Provider in the UK
country:         GB
admin-c:         KP873-RIPE
tech-c:          SRT5-RIPE
rev-srv:         nsmaster.saqnet.co.uk
rev-srv:         nsslave.saqnet.co.uk
status:          ASSIGNED PA "status:" definitions
mnt-by:          SAQ-MNT
source:          RIPE # Filtered

role:            SAQ Registry Team
address:         SAQ Internet Ltd
address:         131 Havant Road
address:         Hayling Island - PO11 0LE
address:         United Kingdom
phone:           +44 870 737 7707
fax-no:          +44 870 737 7708
e-mail:          registry@saqnet.net
nic-hdl:         SRT5-RIPE
admin-c:         KP873-RIPE
tech-c:          SJ1170-RIPE
mnt-by:          SAQ-MNT
source:          RIPE # Filtered

person:          Keith Price
address:         SAQ Internet Ltd
address:         131 Havant Road
address:         Hayling Island
address:         PO11 0LE
address:         United Kingdom
phone:           +44 870 737 7707
fax-no:          +44 870 737 7708
e-mail:          kp@saqnet.co.uk
nic-hdl:         KP873-RIPE
mnt-by:          SAQ-MNT
source:          RIPE # Filtered

% Information related to '195.2.128.0/19AS29219'

route:           195.2.128.0/19
descr:           SAQ Internet Ltd
origin:          AS29219
mnt-by:          SAQ-MNT
source:          RIPE # Filtered

% Information related to '195.2.128.0/20AS29219'

route:           195.2.128.0/20
descr:           SAQ Internet Ltd
origin:          AS29219
mnt-by:          SAQ-MNT
source:          RIPE # Filtered

-----

% This is the RIPE Whois query server #1.
% The objects are in RPSL format.
%
% Rights restricted by copyright.
% See http://www.ripe.net/db/copyright.html

% Note: This output has been filtered.
%       To receive output for a database update, use the "-B" flag.

% Information related to '62.171.194.0 - 62.171.195.255'

inetnum:         62.171.194.0 - 62.171.195.255
netname:         RMPLC
descr:           Research Machines plc
country:         GB
admin-c:         SR753
tech-c:          SR753
status:          ASSIGNED PA "status:" definitions
mnt-by:          RMIFL-MNT
source:          RIPE # Filtered

person:          Simon Rainey
remarks:
remarks:         IMPORTANT NOTICE
remarks:         If you wish to report abuse originating from within the
remarks:         Internet For Learning network please DO NOT contact me
remarks:         directly.
remarks:         All abuse reports should be sent to abuse@ifl.net.
remarks:
nic-hdl:         SR753
address:         Internet For Learning
address:         Research Machines plc
address:         140 Milton Park
address:         Abingdon
address:         Oxfordshire
address:         OX14 4SE
address:         United Kingdom
phone:           +44 1235 854534
e-mail:          simon@ifl.net
source:          RIPE # Filtered

% Information related to '62.170.0.0/15AS5503'

route:           62.170.0.0/15
descr:           Research Machines
descr:           Internet for Learning
origin:          AS5503
mnt-by:          AS5503-MNT
source:          RIPE # Filtered