Jokes

[Jesus Christ]

What's a humor forum without some? I'll start of course.

Women are like times tables: under 12 you do them in your head.

[Unknown Entity]

Ha, yeah, it makes sence to have one of these!

Ok:

A guy gets into a taxi after a night out and halfway through the journey, he wants to stop to buy something. He taps the driver on the shoulder and suddenly the driver screams, swerves across the road and mounts the pavement stopping just short of a brick wall.

The guy says "I'm sorry, I didn't know it would scare you so much!"

The driver replies, "It wouldn't normally, but this is my first night as a taxi driver. Up until yesterday, for twenty-five years, I was drinving a Hearse!"

[Corazón de León]

Whats the difference between a Jew and a Canoe?
A canoe tips.

[Jesus Christ]

How do you kill 1000 flies at once?

Hit an Ethiopian kid in the face with a frying pan.

[Chez Daja]

Two suicide bombers walking down the street. One stops and asks "does my bomb look big in this?"

Two naked terrorists dead next to one another, said to be suicide bummers.

[Corazón de León]

Why is the Afghan air force so easy to train?

You only have to teach them how to take off.

[OceanEyes28]

An old man is sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons. He looks up and spots a young man with bright orange and green hair, all gelled up. Really wild stuff. The old man keeps staring at the colorful young man until the latter says, "What's the matter, old man? Haven't you ever seen someone who has the balls to go outside the norm and look however he wants?"

"No, it's not that," said the old man, "Twenty years ago I ****ed a parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my son."

[Lilium]

Oh God, I have sooooo many from another forum joke thread. Hope you people don't mind a few long jokes. Hopefully, I won't get in trouble for one or two of them... hopefully.

Oh God, I have sooooo many from another forum joke thread. Hope you people don't mind a few long jokes. Hopefully, I won't get in trouble for one or two of them... hopefully.

STORY JOKES:
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A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked the boy, "What is your problem?"

The boy answers, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

The Teacher had enough. She took the boy to the principal's office.
While the boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed.

The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Boy: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Boy: "36."


And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think
the boy can go to the third grade."

The teacher said to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him?" Both the principal and the boy agreed.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Boy (after a moment): "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that I do not have?"

Boy: "Pockets."

Teacher: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious, and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy: "Coconut."

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky? The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could
stop the answer, the boy was taking charge.

Boy: "Bubblegum."

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down, and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes opened
really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Boy: "Shake hands."

Teacher: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"

Boy: Yep."

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me
up. I get wet before you do."

Boy: "Tent."

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense.

Boy: "Wedding Ring."

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you
blow me, you feel good."

Boy: "Nose."

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy: "Arrow."

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot
of heat and excitement?"

Boy: "Firetruck."

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' & if you don't
get it you have to use your hand?"

Boy: "Fork "

Teacher: "What is it that all men have, one of it's longer on some
men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his
wife after they're married?

Boy: "SURNAME."

Teacher: "What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots
of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?"

Boy: "HEART."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

"Send this Boy to College, I got the last ten questions wrong
myself!"

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Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''
The Teacher fainted.

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One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars.
The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?" The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...'' Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

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A guy walks up to a shepherd and his many sheep, sunning themselves on hillside. "Hey!" says the guy "I bet I can guess how many sheep you have!"
The shepherd grins at him. "Don't be daft, man. Hell, if you can guess how many sheep I've got I'll give you one of the bloody things!"
The guy stared at the sheep thoughtfully.
"Okay!" he says "Got it! You have exactly 523 sheep."
"That's amazing!" says the shepherd. "Are you a shepherd yourself?"
"No." Says the guy, smugly. "I'm a biologist." And the guy grabs his sheep.
"Tell you what." says the shepherd thoughtfully. "If I can tell what /kind/ of biologist you are, can I have my sheep back?"
"Of course." says the guy. "But you'll never do it."
"You're a theoretical biologist."
"How did you know that?!" the guy shouts, now bereft of his new sheep.
"Because." says the shepherd "That's my sheepdog you took there."

Another guy walks up to the shepherd "Hey!" says the new guy "Can I have a sheep for eighty quid?"
"You're not another theoretical biologist, are you?" asks the shepherd suspiciously.
"No, no." the new guy reassures him. "I'm an evolutionary geneticist."
"Oh, okay then. Well, for eighty quid you can pick any sheep you like." says the shepherd. So the new guy bends down, picks something up and holds it out for the shepherd to see.
"Eighty quid, was it?"
"But that's just a bit of - what is that?" he peers at the guy's hand "Is that slime mould?"
"Yup."
The shepherd scratched his head. "But it's not a sheep!" he protested.
"Not yet. But it will be one day."

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Adam is lonely in the garden and God took notice. "Adam!" he says, "I've got the perfect solution to your loneliness! I'm about to make the perfect being. She will cater to your every whim, listen sympathetically to all your problems, and bend over backwards to ensure you are satisfied. You will never have to work again, but it will cost you: I will need an arm and a leg to make her"
Adam thinks about it and replies: "what can I get for a rib?"

---------------------------------

A man comes home to find his girlfriend packing her suitcase. He is shocked and asks her, "Why are you leaving me?!"
The girlfriend keeps packing her bag as she replies, "I found out today that you are a pedophile."
Taken aback, the man says, "Wait now! Are you sure you know what you are talking about? That is an awfully big word for a six year old!"

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PUNCH-LINE JOKES:

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How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Let’s Go Swimming.

What's the best thing about having sex with twenty-eight-year-olds?
There are twenty of them!

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
The police. Your entire family was killed in a car wreck.

How do you stop a clown from smiling?
Hit it with an axe.

How do you make a mime yell?
Throw a brick at his face.

What did the hobo get for Christmas?
Nothing.

Why did the clown fall off the swing?
Someone shot him in the face.

One time a boy came home from school and he said to his dad 'Dad I had sex with my teacher.' His dad was like 'Good job.' A few months later the boy died of STDs.

There's an Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
Because she lost her arms in a car accident.

Q: What did the hooker say to the priest?
A: That was a wonderful sermon. I look forward to next Sunday's church service.

Q: Why do women have boobs?
A: To provide milk to feed their offspring.

One day, Little Timmy asked his mother this question, "Mommy, why are boys and girls different?" She responded, "You're adopted and Santa Claus is dead."

Two muffins are in an oven when one says to the other, "Wow, it's hot in here!" and the other says, "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"

Your momma's so fat, she eats too much and doesn't get proper exercise.

Your momma's so dumb, she got stabbed at a shoot-out.

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Now, I have some other ones that are pretty funny, but they're worse (some a lot worse) than the ones I decided to post. Since this is a family-friendly forum, I'd like to know, just how far am I allowed to go, joke-wise?

[Corazón de León]

What's the difference between a black man and a picnic table?

A picnic table can support a family.

[Anachlirium]

One day the little red man got up out of his little red bed and hopped into his little red shower. He then heard something hit his little red porch and realised it must be his little red newspaper. He quickly wrapped his little red newspaper around his little red body and walked outside to grab his little red newspaper. He pent to pick it up and his towell fell down. As this happened an elderly lady walked across the road and was hit by a truck.

The moral to this story? Never cross the road when the little red man is flashing.

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What happens if you throw a red stone into the blue sea?

It gets wet.

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[Jesus Christ]

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.