Boyfriend vs. Career.

[Govinda]

I come before you all, knowledgeable people, to ask for a bit of advice.

I can choose between two Universities - one close by, in the city where my boyfriend will live - and another that's two and a half hours away by train.

My ideal career is a job in the British Diplomatic Service.

Here's some lists:

Strathclyde University, Glasgow:

Bachelor of Arts and Social Sciences degree.
Cannot guarantee accomodation in Halls. This is important, as I can't stand the thought of living here for another year.
Strathclyde University is £10million in debt (that's roughly US$19-20 million) and is currently auctioning off buildings and bringing in voluntary redundancy schemes to try and level things out.
My boyfriend of nearly a year and a half will be in Glasgow. I do not want to lose him.

Aberdeen University, Aberdeen:

Master of French and International Relations degree.
Can guarantee me a place to stay, regardless of when I accept their offer.
Last year, £240 million (roughly US$460-480 million) was invested in Aberdeen University for new facilities, including a new annex for the library and a sports complex.
It's by the sea. This matters.
By going there, I'll be moving from the south west coast to the north east one. I'll be getting a whole new life, which is something I've thought could be useful for a long time.
Aberdeen is the oil centre in Britian. There's a lot of Government activity of all kinds hanging around there for that very reason; that's a plus point for a prospective diplomat.


So, what wins? Boyfriend, someone I'll be miserable without, or better career prospects? Bear in mind that I'm 17, and anything could happen between said boyfriend and I if I stayed here with him.

He's the only thing causing conflict. I'd be fully decided by now were it not for him.

Have any of you been is this position? Or known anyone who has? What did they/you do? Any stories or advice would be greatly appreciated.

[OmniTense]

That is relatively one of the hardest decisions there are. I had to make one that was very similar. I chose to go where I wanted to and get the degree I wanted...as a result I never saw a very important friend of mine ever again. That was my decision and because I made it myself, I won't waste time to regret it.

I don't know how to tell you what you should do, even if I had that right, which no one but you does.

It's possible that you might grow apart from your boyfriend and that you might both regret that decision. If you can live with that possibility than discuss it with him and tell him what you want. If he's the conflict then...
Well, sometimes it's more important to think about the happiest future possible and go with the decision that promises it no matter what the cost...

Good luck Govinda!

[Psiko]

Seriously, go with the career. Relationships fall apart all the time, so why choose that over something you'll be doing for the next 50 years of your life? Back in the days of my youth, I dropped out of college to be in a relationship. I prioritized like any hormonal teenager would. I'd be lying if I said I've never regretted it, even though I've turned my job at Wal-Mart into a very, very promising career.

Besides, if he really loves you and the two of you are meant to be together, something as small as a three hour drive shouldn't break things apart.

[Casanova[OCAU]]

Two and a half hours by train in nothing. You don't need to bump uglies 'every' night, and if your relationship is strong enough, i.e. worth keeping, then seeing each other on weekends and communicating via phone/email should be sufficient for the period of your degree.

The only decision factor for you should be the ranking of your university and employer ratings. That said, at the end of the day, be mature about it. I won't tell you that your relationship is temporary or it will break apart, because hey, if you never try, it may not. So, give it a try, and think of this as a test, and it isn't even a difficult one, of the strength of your bond. But like any good portfolio of commitments, you try to minimize the risk and maximize the benefit.

Money should'nt be a concern as well. After university, if you go to the more expensive university, which, if it happens to be better, will pay you more. If I got an offer at an Ivy League college for my post graduation, I wouldn't think twice, even though I know I don't have the cash now. Plenty of banks will be lining up to cover me while I do my degree, as well as pay for it.

[Govinda]

Thank you all very much for your words.

I've spoken to The Boyfriend about it; he's really not very keen on the long-distance thing, since we'd be miles apart and both meeting hundreds of new people. I, however, think that we could make it work.

So, Aberdeen it is. It's one step closer to the European Consulate.

It's just...difficult. By moving there, I'm putting a long term relationship with someone I love very much in a higher degree of danger. But, I guess, if we can't survive it then we, as a couple, wouldn't last a lifetime anyway. 200 miles shouldn't be an obstacle; but yet, it is.

To quote the other love of my life : 'It ain't easy.'

I suppose it's just life, though. I'm only 17; even though I do currently think that the sun shines from my beau's existence, I may not think that in even a year. Regardless of distance, we're both about to meet a whole crowd of new people, and we can't tell what's going to happen. So Aberdeen's the best bet.

Everyone I've asked has told me the same thing as all of you; my brain agrees fully, but my (this is going to sound horrific) heart disagrees.

But hey, c'est la vie.

And if we're as great as we think we are, we can make it, 100 times over.

Again, thank you all. You've backed up my initial thought, and given it more evidence with your stories. Cheers.

[Jin]

You'll have to forgive me if this sounds rude, but the other side of England? Big deal. That's what, a two to 4 hour train ride? Maybe less. I know you're used to being right next to each other, but speaking as someone who's about 3000 km apart from his significant other, it's not that big a distance.

Anyways, to answer your question, it really depends how much you love him. This is kind of awkward, doesn't your boyfriend use this forum? Anyways, if you even think that he is "the one" then do what ever you have to to be happy with him. Even if it doesn't work out with him in the end it's the better decision in my opinion. I know not everyone shares my views on the matter, but to me a career is not something that you do with your life. It's something you do so you can afford to do something with your life and you'll find it quite hollow compared to what the love of your boyfriend (assuming you feel that way, don't even consider it if you don't) can bring. Sacrifices must be made for love to work; it's why it makes you feel so alive, so human.

As for me, I have this problem, yes. School in the States is horribly expensive in comarison to Canada so I have to sacrifice quite a bit to go to school there. I plan to transfer after next year, funds providing. Even if it ends up not working out between us, touch wood, I wouldn't regret the decision.

[Govinda]

I don't live in England. Scotland's actually smaller. When you put it like that, I see what you mean...it's a question of trust, really. Moreover, it's the leaving him behind that gets me. He's really not keen on it.

Also, I don't plan on my career being just a means of living. This will sound naive, young, and overly optimistic, but I want to do something with my means of making money. Ideally, a place in the UN, or something like that. My ideas involve a lot of travelling.

And he uses this forum, yes. I asked his permission before making this thread. He doesn't use this forum very much anyway; he only joined because I was here, and he wanted to see the place.

[Tiffany]

It's hard being away from someone you love, but your career is definitly more important. I'm incredibly proud of you (even though I don't really know you) that you're putting your career first.

I'm not trying to trivialize your relationship because I know you love and care for your boyfriend, but you need to make sure your future is secured as well. I'm also glad that your Boyfriend isn't one of those types that isn't understanding of your decision.

You two, if you really wanted it to, will make it work.

[Chez Daja]

So, what wins? Boyfriend, someone I'll be miserable without, or better career prospects? Bear in mind that I'm 17, and anything could happen between said boyfriend and I if I stayed here with him.

In my personal opinion, you sound MUCH more keen on Aberdeen. If you really really REALLY wanted to go to Glasgow, you wouldn't question it. (That's my opinion, anyway.) I know how much you really love Evan.

Personally, and it's terrible of me, I know for a fact I would follow my heart and go to my boyfriend.
He lately decided to spend more time cultivating a career rather than speaking with me so much, and it has really made me quite upset, but at the same time, he's making a life for himself, and hopefully, once he's got his job and he feels secure, he'll be spending more time between work AND me.

Although this may sound selfish, I am happy for him. But I am still his girlfriend. You need to make time for both.



The point is; you will need to have the utmost trust for your partner if you're to establish a long-distance relationship. Visit each other one day every week or two. Can you really last only seeing them one or twice in a while?

Another thing is, relationships when long-distance, are massively lonely, and very very VERY hard to maintain.

Trust me, I have two years and a half experience in long distance relationships.

I really hope that, whatever your decision (even though you stated it already, if you so choose to change it...) is the right one for you, for your career and for Evan, too.

I won't say which one I think you should pick. But in my own personal life, I would pick the one closer to my boyfriend.

[Jin]

Sorry, I meant to say UK, not England. Foreigner's mistake.

If you really feel that strongly about your career, then you have to do what you have to do. If it doesn't work out with him then it wasn't meant to be I suppose.

[Tifa]

Go with career. To be honest, long distance relationships are hard to work out. And people who go to different colleges, even 10 minute train rides away NEVER work out. High school entering college relationships are NOTORIOUS for break-ups. My old roommate was with her boyfriend for 5 years and they separated within a month of starting. It's always a horrible idea to give up your future for what is most likely a short-term thing. No offense. I'm pessimistic about this kind of thing, but I've seen it happen around me so ...

[Plastik Assassin]

I could make a super-long post about my opinion on this... but most of it has already been said....

Career. Definitely.

You're 17? Trust me. Choose the career. By the time you are old enough to know whether or not you have made the right decision, the relationship you are in now will probably be long past dead..

Just being realistic. Playing the odds and such... Noone I know at 25 is even remotely linked w/ their high school sweetheart...

Sorry to be blunt and kinda cold. Being honest.

[Jin]

Isn't it a bit silly to look at your current relationship as being likely to dissolve? I mean, statistically, it is, but going into every relationship with that mindset will yield a lonely life.

It's important to prepare for the future, but you still have to live in the here and now. So if you do choose the career, don't choose it because your relationship is "likely" to fail statistically. Do so either because you feel you can make both work, because you know for certain your relationship won't last long or because you feel it's more important than any relationship.

[Tiffany]

Just being realistic. Playing the odds and such... Noone I know at 25 is even remotely linked w/ their high school sweetheart...

You are 100% Correct. I'm over the age of 25, and not one of any of my friends from highschool are with the people they've dated. Not one. Trust me, I know TONS of people in this age group.


I'm sure, somehow/someway that there are highschool sweethearts who last. I read about them from time to time. The odds of you actually being one of those people are very slim.

I'm not trying to trivialize anything, but I think people need to look at this realistically. People grow older, and grow apart. It's natural. That doesn't mean for the here and now that you arn't committed to the one you're with, and I certainly hope it works out, but the truth of the matter is that it doesnt happen ALOT more than it does.