Relationships, Trust and Betrayal.

Storm · 01-24-2007, 12:07 PM

I was having an MSN conversation with a friend of mine, who I parted with through college. She had a boyfriend, who dumped her then a while later went out with one of her friends. She's now saying that she doesn't trust men, and that they're all cheaters. I've been trying to explain to her my views on relationships. Heres an extract of the conversation, and I appologise in adavance for the "txt lingo"

(Reference sakes: Zoe= me; Crazy Chocoholic=her)

Quote:

crazy_chocoholic says:
U wiv any1 atm
Zoe says:
nope
crazy_chocoholic says:
K i thnk we beta of nt wiv any1 rly
Zoe says:
im just a believer in when the time comes the time comes
Zoe says:
i wont go out with just anyone, though i have a lot of male friends
crazy_chocoholic says:
I believe they al crap n shdnt wrte time them
Zoe says:
nah, none of my male friends are crap
Zoe says:
they're all lovely people
crazy_chocoholic says:
Waste time they al hurt u in a way
Zoe says:
well it depends on the person
Zoe says:
no guy has ever hurt me
crazy_chocoholic says:
Lucky u rly ur so lucky
Zoe says:
i've had two boyfriends, and after splitting up we were all still best friends
Zoe says:
you just need to be good friends and trust them before you go out with them
crazy_chocoholic says:
Gd 4 u g cnt stand guys
crazy_chocoholic says:
Didnt u wry cdnt b m8s again
Zoe says:
no
Zoe says:
cause were such good friends anyway
Zoe says:
and we all seem to be the kind of people who don't hold grudges against others
crazy_chocoholic says:
Hw u mean
Zoe says:
kinda strange, but we all seem to have similar ideas about life and stuff
Zoe says:
if someone upsets us, we dont hold it against them, of course we get upset, but we dont hold anything against anyone
Zoe says:
unless they've done something really aweful, like betrayed trust
crazy_chocoholic says:
Like cheating
Zoe says:
yeah
Zoe says:
but even then, i'd eventually try to make up with someone and forgive them over time, of course it would hurt, but you shouldn't hold it against them forever
crazy_chocoholic says:
I hate cheaters
Zoe says:
me too, but i guess its not in my nature to begrudge people
crazy_chocoholic says:
Wd u b m8s them again
Zoe says:
yeah, though i would be hurt for a while
crazy_chocoholic says:
Right its dif a stranger cheated 2 than a m8 tho
Zoe says:
if they did something really bad, like cheating and sleeping with someone while i was in a relationship, then dumped me.. that'd be a little harsh
Zoe says:
but none of my friends are like that
Zoe says:
and i wont date anyone i dont know well, or has had a shady past with stuff like that
crazy_chocoholic says:
Y hard 4 me tho i cnt trust any1
crazy_chocoholic says:
N i hate itZoe says:
lots of people are like you. they think they can trust someone but they betray that trust, then you find it hard to trust again
Zoe says:
you cant really change that i dont think, its instinct

I found it quite intersting how I have a much more forgiving perspective on people,and how I find it easier to regain trust of those who betray. However, I also do not take trust too seriously from early on, I must understand a person's personality and be friends with them before advancing to a relationship, which she did not do on these circumstances. She thought she could trust, but his betrayal destryed her. I have no idea if shes just being a hyperchondriac, as her relationship happened in the summer, or if she really does have such an intense feel of distrust towards men because of this. It really got me thinking about how peoples minds can differ so greatly.

So what i'd like to know is:
What are your opinions on relationships, trust and betrayal?
Would you forgive someone if they cheated on you?
What are your guidelines on when to forgive or not?
How do you go about relationships to help protect yoursef from betrayal?

*Mistress Sheena* · 01-24-2007, 12:24 PM

...Ugh. I had to force myself to read all that. Your friend needs to learn how to type and stop being lazy.

But anyway, she sounds like a complete Dee Dee Dee. From her reasoning, it sounds like she turned into a lesbian. Right.

But anyway, enough about her.

Quote:

What are your opinions on relationships, trust and betrayal?

Seeing as I've been in so many and they've all gone sour one way or another, I don't think I'm going to look for one anymore. I become angsty when I get betrayed, but it's not that big of a deal. Trust isn't really a concern to me either. I only trust a few people as it is.

Quote:

Would you forgive someone if they cheated on you?

Sure, why not. It's just sex and leisure time. No big deal. Polygamy anyone?

Quote:

What are your guidelines on when to forgive or not?

I forgive all the time. I don't really hold any grudges unless A) They're an idiot, or B) They get on my bad side.

Quote:

How do you go about relationships to help protect yoursef from betrayal?

Protect myself? What am I, five years old? Pfft.

Fishie · 01-24-2007, 02:40 PM

Wow after reading that, I got kinda it does seem like a lot. Well from my point of view this is how I see it:

What are your opinions on relationships, trust and betrayal?
First off if you're with someone in a relationship its all about trust and commitment.Not to mention to keep the love alive and stuff, but on the other hand when you're going out with someone you can feel like you're trapped and you just don't won't commitment at all so you try to double-dip or hook up with other people.
Would you forgive someone if they cheated on you?
Well what goes around, comes around right? I've never been cheared on but I'd probably be a slap in my face in other words and it'd be hard to forgive that person. Espicially if you've grown to trust someone so much and they break it, it can hurt.

What are your guidelines on when to forgive or not?
I don't hold grudges either. I guess as time goes by you learn to forgive the ones that hurt you.

How do you go about relationships to help protect yourself from betrayal?
I usually end up breaking up with girls. I guess that's a way I see myself from getting hurt. I don't like to get serious and end up falling for a girl because an emotional roller coaster starts occuring and I really am scared to face it.

OmniTense · 01-24-2007, 03:52 PM

What are your opinions on relationships, trust and betrayal?

I think that they are the kind of occurrences that happen when people bump into other people. We all take risks getting to know our neighbors. They might be planning a shooting spree, a mass murderer or a total jerk. These are the risks of socializing. It's human nature to do all of the above and never really have a good reason.

Would you forgive someone if they cheated on you?

It is in my nature to forgive. In truth, what can one do? Shun all life. I've tried that. It was comfortable only up to a point. I'm a bad example, though. It is a maxim of my life to forgive even those who purposly injure me. How can one blame human nature? You can be victimized by it, of course and then you can shun it. But can you really blame something so random?

What are your guidelines on when to forgive or not?
As previously said, I always forgive. To forgive is to offer a chance to change. If you never forgive someone for a previous decision then you are holding them to their former ways.

How do you go about relationships to help protect yoursef from betrayal?
*sigh* I am not a competitive dater. lol If any girl wants a relationship with me, I'm right here. She can try to start one. If she leaves, then I wish her well. If she become romantically involved with my best friend, then I smile and wish them well.

The answer is a thick skin. Trauma like this can either increase your thick skin, or it can weaken it.

Love,
OmniT

Leroy · 01-24-2007, 04:15 PM

I've cheated on girls before. The one I'm with at the moment? I Cheated on her and I've only been with her for four weeks. I don't have any excuses, other then I was drunk and am only male. I don't think there's any sure way to protect your relationships from betrayal and there shouldn't be any guidelines for forgiveness. If you screw your partner over, you should tell them and the outcome is up to them.

Jin · 01-24-2007, 04:30 PM

First of all, I have to congratulate your comprehension skills for being able to have an actual conversation with such a waste of a potentially literate person. Kudos.

Your friend is jumping the gun a bit though. Not all guys are like that at all. You just have to actually find someone by taking more than a night or two at a bar to evaluate them. I think it's pretty safe to say that most relationships in which you go out specifically looking for someone to date either fail or succeed by sheer luck. Relax, be single for a while and as the thread maker stated, when it happens, it happens.

On to questions.

What are your opinions on relationships, trust and betrayal?
They are all intertwined and the latter two are aspects of the former. Being in a relationship is a little like doing a drug: it can take you higher than you've ever been before, but when and if it fails, you'll cringe at the thought of how low you can feel. In the end however, at least for me, I find that the good outweighs the bad and even when it does end in heart break, you've learned something and can move on to try again, which is essentially what life is all about, if anything. If my current relationship were to fail, for example, I would feel worse than I've ever felt in my life before, this I know. However, I wouldn't even think of taking it back. Without the good times that would have happened, life is constantly grey and void of any real purpose.

Would you forgive someone if they cheated on you?
That's a difficult question to answer as I've never been cheated on by anyone that I've loved. I've been cheated on, but I certainly didn't love the person and it turned out to be for a reason. Anyways, I think I would probably forgive in time, because being angry and bitter for the rest of time is good for no one, but I'd be quite upset for a very long period of time. I am a person that is capable of holding grudges, most likely as a defence mechanism. It just seems natural to me: someone hurts you, you stay away, the same as an animal learns to stay away from the person with the cattle prod.

What are your guidelines on when to forgive or not?
Simply put, it comes down to my own tuition. Do I think that the person is genuine in their apology, and if so, do I think they'll do whatever it was again, intentionally or otherwise. Even if they are genuinely sorry for something, there's only so much pain a person can take and if they continue doing something, even if it's against their will, they won't be allowed back into my life.

How do you go about relationships to help protect yoursef from betrayal?
Oi, this is a touchy subject with me. When it comes to protecting myself from betrayal, suspicion usually takes control of me. It's caused problems before and continues to do so. Even when I know that I'm being silly and ridiculous, there's a lagging feeling that will not go away if something isn't absolutely perfect in the relationship. She's logged onto myspace, but not MSN, she must not want to talk to me. The logic is the stupidest thing ever though, I know and I wish that I didn't think so, but usually, it's stronger than me and takes hold. I've debated with myself outloud about it. I must have looked like a schizo or someone with MPD, but I was literally taking two sides (and talking for both). One says, "You're being an idiot, that doesn't make sense." The other, "But what if!?" in a paniced and frantic voice. It's really disturbing to think about actually. I've been trying to deal with it for a while now and although I've made some progress (I think), I still have a long way to go. Anyways, that's generally how my body deals with betrayal, by assuming it's already happened. Stupid.

*Chez Daja* · 01-24-2007, 06:16 PM

Quote:

What are your opinions on relationships, trust and betrayal?

Relationships should be built on trust. They should not be neglected. Love should be forgiving, (although full-out cheating or continous flirting are by no means acceptable to me), and love should also be about helping each other and supporting each other. Love should be about working through difficulty together, rather than only one person making the effort...
Love, to me, should last eternally, even if there are rough patches along the way. Love should not be taken lightly. Love should be cherished.

Trust is one of the most important things... If you do not trust somebody, how can you let them hold your heart? Paranoia and distrust are two different things, but full-out distrust cannot lead to a happy place.

Betrayal... Ugh. I don't deal with it. I cannot deal with it properly. I can't help that, it's just the way I am.

Would you forgive someone if they cheated on you?
No. Nuff said.

What are your guidelines on when to forgive or not?
A mistake with flirting is forgiven the first or second time, and I would respect him for telling me. Anything further than that flirting, I will not tolerate, the relationship will be ended; no chance for reconciliation romantically or inside of a friendship. Trust me; I tried to befriend my ex about a year and a half ago, and put simply; I still hate his guts.

How do you go about relationships to help protect yoursef from betrayal?
My opinion on that is pretty much the same as Jintatsu's.

I'm pretty sensitive in this area, I guess.

MiwaMiwa · 01-24-2007, 06:53 PM

First off I'd like to say that I had a difficult time reading your friend's "internet lingo". It hurt my brain to try and decipher her code.

Anyways, to answer your questions"
What are your opinions on relationships, trust and betrayal? I have a difficult time in relationships, personally. I've never had a problem getting a boyfriend, and I've never been single long. I'm not dependant on relationships, just when I'm single I have a decent amount of guys "interested" and one of them is a guy I'm interested in. But anyways, I'm very very choosy. For some reason I am not very trusting, and I figure a lot of men who are attractive are willing to act on it when a girl wants them. And since my boyfriends are good looking, I wonder what would happen. I am generally trusting until they do something to break that, then I never forgive them for it. I can be friends again, but never be in a realtionship again. I figure I am attractive, nice, fun, and a good girlfriend and if they break that trust, then they are not deserving of me.

Would you forgive someone if they cheated on you? No, I wouldn't be in a relationship with them again. Well...I take that back...I've been in a relationship for a while now, and I would forgive him considering the circumstances. it would be hard though, but if it is TRUE love, and not semi love, or like, lust, or a short relationship...it MAY be forgivable.

What are your guidelines on when to forgive or not? Ah, I suppose I already answered this...I'm very long winded.

How do you go about relationships to help protect yoursef from betrayal? I'm a quiet shy person around people I don't know, so I let them come to me. In relationships I open up, but I don't let myself get too attached for a while to avoid getting hurt.

Angantyr · 01-24-2007, 07:18 PM

I seriously can not read that, sorry I just can not stand "txt" language. However I shall answer your questions

What are your opinions on relationships, trust and betrayal?

Trust is quite important obviously, and betrayal is a bad thing which I learnt from experience. But to be honest people make mistakes, I hooked up with this one girl when I was with this other girl (Typical drunken party) but I did not think me and her were serious but after that we ended up working on it and lasted for a whole 3 months!

Would you forgive someone if they cheated on you?

Depends on the situation really, I would be quite agitated if it did happen but it would depend on how serious we were, where the relationship is and how much I really cared about them. I have never been in the situation where my ex cheated on me however I was quite paranoid at the time cause she was still quite close to her Ex who Ironically enough was somebody I used to get into fights when during my earlier years.

What are your guidelines on when to forgive or not?

If they did it constantly then of course they are not worth the time of day, if they did it with a good friend I would be quite pissed. However if was just a little flirt or a hug or something small it would not be a big deal. Also the way I found out would play a role, if she came up to me and told me straight away it would not be as bad as if one of my mates saw her with some guy down at the local pubbing all over the others guys and if tried to deny it (Providing I knew well enough).

How do you go about relationships to help protect yourself from betrayal?

Make sure I do not do what I would not want her to do I guess. I am quite stubborn I must admit and perhaps I let things like that get to me at times. Normally I would probably take things slowly including the seriousness of the relationship until I know what she is like first.

OmniTense · 01-24-2007, 07:52 PM

Geez, I wouldn't want to have to borrow a dollar from any of you guys!

Think:

A woman or guy whom you deeply love just dumped you and is now happier with someone else. DID YOU LOVE THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE?! Or were you just being a selfish entity leeching affection off them?

Now, perhaps you were mismatched with someone who's love for you was not quite so strong as your love of them.

But true Love is not something that withers on the vine! If you truly love someone you will support them as long as they're happy. Otherwise you are simply interested in them if they are interested in you! How is that love? Hell, that's not even lust! If you truly love someone then you'll at least stay friends with them, right?

...
...
...
*sigh*
You guys have an interesting view of love and I may have preached...(god forbid) a little too hard. I apologize.

I have rather ignorant unyeilding opinions on 'love'.