my story so far

[storymaster23]

my spelling and grammer are bad but let me know what you think and if you could give me some tips
DownFall
By Thomas Carver




Prologe

long ago in an ancient world there was a mighty war between the lions of light, and the dragons of darkness. Many humans died in between the war. After the war was over a grand continent was formed, the name of the continent was Ishba. Ishba contained many wars on its soil. After the War of Leviathin, the first sucsessfull kingdom was created by King Arthur. The kingdom was called The LionDragon Kingdom, after many years of peace Aneroth,an evil warlord took over the kingdom. Turning it into an empire, he took over the rest of the continent. Five hundred years of his reign a rebellion rose up to take back the old kigdom. The war has been wageing on for four hundred years, the war is nearing its end. Soon it will all be over





Chapter 1


In a small village the men were gearing up for war, the all wore the crest of the Lion Army. It was a sad and joyfull day in the village. the sound of crying women and playfull children filled the air. As a man walked out of a house in full armor, a little boy came out chasing the man crying "Daddy...Daddy...please dont go, please, please dont leave me!"he whined.
The knight turned around and kneeled down face to face with the boy,he looks directly into the tearfull eyes of the crying child, "Dont worry my boy, you're a big boy and big boys dont cry...you must be brave if not for me then for your mother," he stood up, "remember you are Len, son of Stephen, a knight of the lion army."
The boy, Len, brushed away his tears. The knight walked over to a horse, climbing into the saddle he got onto the horse.
"WARRIORS OF THE LION ARMY, LETS RIDE!!" He yelled.
All of the soldiers rode away, wives, and girlfriends were waving goodbye to their lovers for they'll never see them again. Same with other family members. All these soldiers will never be seen again alive by anyone in the village, they are last seen leaving the village with a cloud of dust in their wake. For a brief moment everything was still, nobody moved or said a thing, it was like the earth stopped. Then everything continued, people were going back home. Len watched all the miserable faces on the families of those soldiers go back into their homes. He looked up at the sky and noticed the sun was setting, it was a gentle sunset Len looked at it and he felt everything would be allright. He continued to watch the sun set until when he was startlled by something that touched his sholder, he turned around and saw his mother. His mother was hiding something behind her back.
"Mommy whats behind your back?" Len asked
"It's a present for you," she showd him the little box with a red ribbon on top of it.She gave it to him, Len opened the box, inside was a silver neckles with a little sword pendent.
"Its from your father it was his good luck charm, he wanted me to give it to you when he left," she paused for a minute as she stared at the sunset, " Well come on in honey I got more birthday presents for you inside, ans i finished baking the cake,come on lets go."
"Oh yeah todays my birthday I almost fogot, Im three years old today right mommy?" asked Len
"Thats right Len, your three years old." his mother replied
They both walked home together,as the sun vanished and the stars apeared Len celebrated his birthday, he went to sleep, and he lived his life.




SEVEN YEARS LATER, Len was rideing his horse through the Zein Plains, which lie beyond the Grey Woods. Len stopped his horse, he got off , and scrumeged through the sacks on the horse's back.
" lets see its been a week since I left the village, and it'll be...another two weeks until I reach the Vlom Shore, the place that is the only home of the Vlom Love Shells, said to be the most beutifull shells in all of Ishba. Im going to get one for Mom and the other for Susan." he sighed.
Susan is the only other girl loves except his mother, when he thinks about Susan his heart flutters, he feels that him and her are to be destined to be together. When he comes of age he is going to marry her. Len continued to scrumage through the sacks, " Ok so I should have enough food for another month, enough to last the return trip, good."
He finished then he saddled back up on to the horse.
"Come on Esper, lets ride." he kicks the horse.
Len rides the horse for about six hours until he noticed a horrific oder. He stopes the horse, and gets off to see what is the source for that putrid aroma. when he walked over a hill he saw something so horrible he instantly thew up because of the sight and the smell. Befor him was a field of rotting, maget filled corpses.
"My god," he gasped trying not to vomet again.
Len walked down into the graveyard to see just how bad things were,he wished hadn't. There were corpses with eyes allready eaten out by birds, corpse that have been so badlly burned that the skin and bone would crumble to ashes if under a little pressure. There was one that was twisted in half, the top half was face down in the dirt while the bottom half was a foot away from the top half, guts in the middle. Len could see that these men died slowly and painfully he also noticed that all the the soldiers were Lion Army soldiers. This was no battle site this was a massicure.As he walked around he noticed one corpse, something felt odd to Len, he felt like he should check this person, that he knew this person. Len went over to the corpse, he slowly took off the helmet. The face was badly burned, the forehead was caved in revealling a gluppy brain that almost got on Lens hand. The face looked like someone he knew, he hopes its not the person he thinks it is. Len slowly looked down at the identification braclet, hoping, praying to god that it is not the person he thinks it is. The name on the bracelit showed what Len feared, the name was written, STEPHEN DELLHEAN. It was Lens father, Len was filled with sorrow and rage, he felt tears rising he tried to hold them back but he could not, his father was dead.
"No...No...god no," he wimperd
"NOOO...GOD DAMN IT NOO!!!" Len screamed to the heavens while punching into the ground repeatedlly.
Len droped down and fell silent. The only sound was the wind and len sobbing.
Sudenlly a mysterios voice arose, "So they finally sent a clean up crew, I was thinking that they never got my letter."
Len turned to the direction of the voice. A pile of corpses rose up, the lifeless bodies droped revealling a man in raggity old cloths, with black spikey hair, and a colossal sword on his back. This mans eyes showed death, his green eyes were the eyes of a muderer. Len felt that this person is responsible for all these dead slodiers, he felt that this man killed his father.
"What a drag its just a little twerp," he sighed, "oh well this will still be fun." then he grined, "Im going to love to hear your shrieking of torment as you die, I enjoyed the sound of all these weak bastards dying it was almost like sex to me." the man chuckeled.
Len still kneeled befor his dead father, still sobbing.
"You scared boy? you better be you're about to die a horible, slow, painfull death, and no ones going to save you, not your mommy, not your daddy, no one. You are going tobe killed by the great Dark Knight, Zone. Im going to cut off your legs and let you try to escape by squrming, then I'll break both of your arms, and finally im going to cut open your stomech and let your guts spill to the ground, as you're slowly dying I'll cut out your eyes, and feed you your intestans, and your eyeball. you die chocking on your own insides while the rest of your insides are spilled on to the dirt. You'll wish you died quick and painless!" the man was laughing histarically now.




Zone gripped his sword and slowly walked toward Len. Len felt scared he could not even fight good against the other children at the village, he knew theres no way in hell that he could stand a chance against a Dark Knight, Len knew he was going to die. As he listened to the footsteps of the man that was going to murder him, something awakened inside of him, something powerfull. Lens red eyes burned with hatred, his eyes became the eyes of a demon.
"YOU SICK DEMENTED **** YOU KILLED MY FATHER NOW YOU'LL PAY, YOU BASTARD!!!!!" Len growlled, he picked up his fathers sword and he ran toward Zone.
"Fool, you think you can take me? I'll gut you like a fish!" Zone yelled.
Len ran as fast as he can, jumping into the air, swinging his sword with all his might. Zone blocked the attack he looked into Lens red eye he wispered to himself, "Those eyes, I've seen those eyes before."
He pushed Len away, sending Len flying into the dirt. Len got up , Zone swung his huge sword at Len. Len dodged but the force sent him flying through the air again. He got back up swinging his sword with his streghth, he and Zone's blades clashed, sparkes flew from the force of the impact. They were both pushing with all their might to push down the other one.
"You're pretty good, kid , but not good enough!" Zone pushed len back.
He twirlled his sword into the ground sending rocks hurltaling toward Len. The rocks hit and also cut him, dust was everywhere. Choking and blinded by the airborn dirt Len could not tell were Zone was, he swong his sword ferociusly everywhere he went in the cloud of dust.
"DIE!!" he heared from the sky.
He looked up and saw zone coming down to finish him off , the blow and the size of the sword would crush Len into tiny pieces. Len quicklly rooled to his side to avoid the deathly blow. The shockwave of the strike sent Len skidding across the ground. Len seriously scraped his left shoulder. Blood was pouring out, rocks scraped skin off of his shoulder, Len was in serious pain.
"GAWW DAMN IT!!" he shouted
Zone was suprised that Len lasted so long, Zone was getting tierd he needed to finish Len off, and now.
"Im getting tierd, you know what lets finish this off right now!" Zone gripped his sword even tighter.
Len stood his ground, Zone's sword began to glow.
"It ends now...EXPLOSION!!!" Zone swung his sword and a wave of fire came rushing toward Len.
Len remebered he heard about right befor people die their lives flash befor their eyes. As the flames came closer Len saw images of his past, he saw his mother, his father, his friends , and her, Susan.



Len was nine years old when he met the girl of his dreams. He heard about a new familly moving in he wanted to go check it out like the rest of the villagers. When he got to the house he pushed his way through the crowed, he saw a giant man lifting a bed all by himself. the villagers were amazed by his goliath strength and big muscles.
"I hear that, that guy searved in the Lion Army as a colnel," a villager said.
"You dont say, I heard that his wife was the sister of General Issiac, and he retired from servise because some damn Dragon Army officer murderd and raped her." another villager replied.
"Damn that sucks." the first villager coughed.
Len later learned that the mans name was Zect Carnis. When the giant man went inside a beautiful girl came walking out in a white dress. She had gorgeous brown eyes, and lovely blonde hair. Len saw her he felt like someone had just punched him in the stomech, he wanted to go up to her and talk to this godess. When he attempted to go he was pushed back by his friends into the crowed as they began flerting with her.
"So uh, whats your name?" one of the boys aked.
befor Len was completly away from her he heard the name of the girl he would love to be with, "Susan."
Len's friends were not really friends with him, they always tease him about his grey hair, and his poor fighting ability. The children always fight with wooden swords to see who is the strongest is. The strongest gets respect from all the children, the weakest would be shunned, and hated by all the children. They all look at Len with icy cold eyes, they tease him, they make him wish he was dead. Len knew he could never have Susan because he was the weakest one in the village. He would always sit back and watch the boys fight for Susan, and the girls play with Susan. Len saw susan as a deliquit rose, beautiful but fragile. He wishes every day he could have that rose, that he could care for it all of his natual born life, even in death he wishes he could still care for her. Len never felt true love before, yeah he loves his mother, and he loved his father but he never felt the wonderful feeling he feels when he looks at susan.



One night Len was staring into the night sky, sitting on the edge of the villages well, he looked up at the stars. There were so many stars that night the sky glowed, a hevanlly glow. Len heard someone walking toward the well, he hopped down off the well to see who it was. It was Susan she was walking toward Len.
"Um...Susan...wh..wh...what are y...y...you doing here?" Len was nervus but he was glad to see her.
"Whats a matter? I came out to look at the sky, beautiful night yeah?" she spoke softlly, to Len her voice was that of an angel.
"Yeah verry verry beautiful." Len was looking over at Susan while she was looking up, when she glanced at him he quickly looked up into the stars, she giggled.
Susan walked right up next to Len, he could smell the plessent fragrence of her pefume.
"w...w...wh...wha...what are...you ...d...d...doing so close to m...m...m...me?" he choked
"Theres something about you that I like, I cant put my finger on it...I feel like we were ment for each other like we're ment to be togther, I kno it sounds crazy but ever since I first saw you I...I felt something." she said
Len was suprised by what she had said, she had feelings for him as well. Len felt words come into his head he knew he should say them but when he tried nothing came out. Finally the words he wants came out, "I feel the same but Im the lowest of the low surly you could be with someone better than me, right?" he replied.
Susan looked down, "Yeah I could be with someone better but there just is no one better than you, Len." then she looked into his red eyes.
Len said the words he wanted, "Um susan will...will you be my girlfriend?" Len felt stupid for asking that, he felt like he wanted to kill himself.
He felt sick, everything was becoming blurry then dark, right befor everything disapered the last thin he remember was her response, "YES."



Len was back to the presant, the flames came closer he had no time to get out of the way he was glad that his last thought will be his love. The flames came to Len causing an explosion, Len was dead. Zone looked at the dying flames he wonderd why didnt the kid scream, he didnt ponder over that for long he was just glad that the kid is now dead.
"Got to hand it to ya kid, you were pretty good a little longer and you would of had me. Oh well I guess you deserved that quick and painless death I........UGH..." Zone was interupted by a sharp pain in his gut.
He looked down and could not beleave what he saw, a blood stained blade was sticking out of his gut.
"W...w...w.....wha..h...h...how....why?"he was now coughing up blood.
The blade went back into his gut and out of his back, he dropped to the ground coughing up more blood. The last image he saw was Len holding the blood smirred sword.
"You....you...you ****..." with his last breath Zone died.
Len was suprised he evan survived that explosin, and how he got behind Zone so fast. Len was exausted he dropped down hard on the ground, dropping his sword. He stared at the sunset, he was glad to be alive, and he won a fight, not to mention it was a fight with a Dark Knight. Len wonderd where all that power came from. He didnt care, all he cared about right now was relaxing and getting some rest. When he was almost asleep he heard footsteps, he thought it was another Dark Knight, he didnt even have enough strength to stand, he would die. A man with slick blonde hair in beaten, gold looking armor stood infront of Len, and asked, "What is a child doing in a place like this?"
"are..are you another Dark Knight?" Len groaned.
The knight had a bewildered look upon his face, "Me a Dark Knight? Dear god no!" The knight began to laugh, "The names Matthew Danken, I'm a captin for the Lion Army, I would never serve the empire I'll die than become a Dark Knight."
Len grabbed mathews hand and he was pulled up, Len asked him what he was doing here, "Well, I'm looking for a Dark Knight by the name of Zone, we had reports that he was in the region. Guessing from these corpses I'd say he was here."Matthew answerd.
Len looked at the corpse, so the man really was a Dark Knight.
"I killed him... I killed him myself." Len spoke with regret
"wha...what did...you say?" Matthew was supriesed by what Len just said.
Len spoke softly, "I said I killed him myself, and...and I'd do it again, I dont know why but, somthing inside me liked what I did. It felt good."
Matthew could understand why Len said that, Zone is a Dark Knight, and the Dark Knights are ruthless, they've killed hundreds of people all for the empire. The good feeling Len felt was probably just the adrenaline rushing and the darkness inside everyone. The instinct of killing is such a powerfull thing. Matthew was still amazed that one hundred soldiers could not beat this man but a child was the one who killed him. This kid was not ordinary.
"Well I'll be damned I see no lie in your eyes, just how did you kill him?" Matthew asked.
Len answerd, "Something grew inside me, something I never felt it was powerfull, I dont know what it was," len started crying, he just couldnt hold it tears came out.
"Hey dont cry what you got is special, come on I'll take you back to your home."Matthew said
Len brushed away his tears, he looked around for his horse but aparently Esper fled during the battle, "Sure ok, I live in Vellet the village beyond the Grey Woods." He answerd
"Ah I know where that is I can get you there in half a week, thats how good this horse is." Matthew said.
Matthew saw Lens wound, he got some bandages from his sack, and rapped them around the cut on his shoulder. Lucky for Len the bleeding had already stopped, But it could still get infected. After Matthew was finished applying the bandages him and Len sattled up onto the horse. Len saw the last bit of light from the sun disaper into the darkness of the night sky, even though the night seems endless the light of the sun will rise up again, just like Ishba even though the land is ruled by darkness and is ravaged with endless war, famine, and disese, Light will return. Len knew it would be a long time befor the light ever returned to Ishba if it was ever to return at all. Even though he is Just ten Len is begining to lose hope, and without hope its imposible to win.
"Hey Matthew I never told told my name did I? Well its Len, Len Dellhean." Len said
Matthew turned arund, Well nice to meet you Len, time to get ya home." and he gave a big grin, Len couldn't help but Grin back.
The two have been riding all though the night, Len kept slipping in and out of conciunceness. he felt relived he was alive, he felt the speed of the wind from the horse running, he also noticed specks of light coming from the sky. It was already dawn, Len gave off a big yawn, Matthew turrned around and said, "Ah good morning kiddo."
Len responded, "Hey dont call me that I'll kill ya just like zone!" They both paused for a moment and together the bust out laughing.
They still have two more days until they reach the village.



It was the third night Len fell asleap on the horse as usual these past two nights. he dreamed just like befor however this dream was no dream it was a nightmare. He was somewere but he could not see anything, it was all coverd by dark fog . Len could not figure out where he was everything was the same all he saw was darkness. Panic settled into Lens heart, his palms became sweaty, he began to run but it felt like he was not even moving. Len was scared he tried to think of his mother when he did he saw her , he was relived. When she came towards him Len saw a sword come out of her chest, he screamed for her he wanted to cry but no tears came, why wouldnt they come? The sword ripped through her chest and up her sckull slicing her from her chest up to her head in half. Len saw so much blood come out of her her heart lungs and parts of her brain fell onto her stomech. when she fell over the spilled onto the ground. Len wantd to run to her but he couldnt, he was unable to move. he saw the person weilding the sword, it was zone, Len tried to curse him but no sound came out of his voice. When he looked at his mother again she vanished into the darkness, his sight was back onto Zone again. He began to say something, "Now i will kill," Len shut his eyes and the voice changed into one he knew all to well, "You," It was his voice, Len opened his eyes, there he saw himself coming at him.
Len could not belive it the person who killed his mother and now is going to kill him is himself, but it wasnt him when Len saw his eyes it was like he saw into the depths of hell itself. Len felt the blow of the blade in his gut, he could no longer feel his Legs then he began falling, Len looked and saw his he had been sliced in half. He was falling endlessly, he went to look at his missing legs but aperntly when he looked he saw his legs. Where was he? he wonderd. Len felt that this was Hell. He had died and gone to hell. suddenly he was not falling anymore. Len felt something crawling up his legs, he looked down and his feet were covered by darkness. Len began to struggle with the darkness soon it covered his whole body he could see the darkness about to take his sight whe everything became white.



Len was shook awake, "Hey Len you ok? looked like you had a nightmare." Matthew said
Len was drenched with sweat, "Yeah it was just a bad dream im ok though." Len responded, he wiped the cold sweat off his face.
Len looked around and saw smok frm the village, "There it is theres my home!" He anxiusly squeeked.
"OK calm down," matthew laughed.
They cleared the woods and reached the village







Chapter 2


Matthew and Len Cleared the woods, and they had arived to the village. The sun was rising, the clouds were grey, it looks like it'll rain later. Len was glad to be home, but he felt disapointed that he was unable to abtain the shells for his mother and Susan. The smell of animals was everywhere the road was muddy from their piss and crap, luckly this village was small enough that outhouses are everywhere so people dont go in their homes in a bucket then dump it out on the streets like in major citys. The village was indeed small compared to others but it is big enough to have a town hall. Back when settlers build this village they were planing to build a city, one day they were atacked by barbarians outside the kingdom, this was befor Aneroth took over all of Ishba. The settlers abanded the bit they had built, around the town hall several stone houses were built. When people who were kicked out of citys for serving the rebellion travelled for a new home, several discoverd this bit of a city. They settled in built wooden homes with wooden roofs, basiclly log cabins. no one ever uses the town hall so the children hold their compititions there. Matthew and Len were riding through the street, Len spotted his house, "There it is, right there!" Len pointed to a wooden house, Matthew turned around and Len almost poked his eye out.
"Easy calm down," Matthew chuckled, but he was too late, Len jumped off the horse and ran to his home.
Len was so glad he is going to see his mother again. He reached for the handle and turned the knob but the door was lock. She might still be asleep, he thought so he pounded his fist on the door as fast as his heart was racing, and as hard, "H...HEY MOMMY IM HOME!!!" he shouted
The door opened, a slim woman apered in the inside, she was a slim woman with short blackish brownish hair, and hazel eyes. Matthew came up next to Len, and naoiced that his mother looks to be a couple years older than him.
"Len, thank goodnes your ok, I've been worring since you left," she looked up at the man next to Len, "What trouble has Len gottin into?"
Matthew replied, "No trouble ma'am, may we come in I would like to discuss something with you."
"sure ok." She let Len and Matthew inside, she then shut the door behind them.
Len started to walk to his room where he can sleep in a bed finaly, but he was stopped by his mother, "Len your hurt are you alright sweety?" his mother was concerned.
"Yeah im ok i just scraped my shoulder, thats all." He lied.
His mother could tell he was lying, she also saw some bruises and cuts over his body, "Len it looks like you were in a fight, were you in a fight?"
Len continued to lie, "No mommy I just fell off my horse, when she was spooked by something, I fell off and scraped my shoulder." Matthew could tell Len was lying but if he didnt know any better he could belive him.
Matthew could tell Lens mother knew he was lying, every mother knows when their child is lying. "Len tell me the truth." she said
"That is the truth I swear." befor he could finish his mother slapped him across the face, "I will not have you swear infront of women, nor shall I have you lie infront of women and guests, now tell me were you in a fight or do you want another slap across the face!" she sticktly said.
Matthew was glad to see his mother do that with such sadness in her eyes, she held back and only did it to disapline, Len is a lucky kid to have such a loving mother.
"Alright I did get in a fight with a Dark Knight named Zone" he told the truth.
She was shocked, "What did you say?"
He said it again, "I fought a Dark Knight."
She could not belive her ears, "Dar...Dark Knight? You better not be lying."
"No ma'am he's not." Matthew interrupted
"You know its rude for a stranger to interupt someone when they're speaking." she fired back.
Matthew forgot to introduce himself, he became alitttle embarased, and scratched the back of his head, "Im sorry that was rude of me I completelly forgot to introduce myself, Im Matthew Danken, a knight for the Lion Army, please to meet you ma'am."
Lens mother actcepted his apology, she in awe by what she heared. Her son Len had killed someone, not just some but a Dark Knight, Len has never won a fight against the children from the rest of town.
"Hey Len you mind playing with your friends, I need to talk about something important?"Asked Matthew.
"Sure ok" Len sighed.
Len left his home, shutting the door behind him he thought something, since he fought and killed a Dark Knight he could easly take on the champ, Vick. Len would beat him in a fight and everyone would respect him, he laughed alittle. Len ran to the town hall where the compititions are held.



When Len ran to the town hall he burst through the doors shouting, "VICK I CHALLANGE YOU TO A DUEL!!"
Everyone paused for a couple seconds letting what Len the grunt just said, then they all burst out laughing. Vick came out, "Theres no way in hell you could beat ****tard now get out befor you face a beating!" Vick snickered.
Len got pissed by what he was just called, "I will kick your ignarent ass!" called back.
Vick and everyone began laugh harder, "Your the ignarent one you cant win no one can beat me." He was still Laughing
Len clutched his fist harder, he ran towards the laughing Vick. He swung his fist right across his cheek and nose. Vick fell down, everyone gasped in shock then silance. Vick got back up stumbling a little, he checked to see how bad he is bleeding. His palm was smeared with blood,he began to chuckle, "Well if our little grunt wants to fight me fine we'll fight, he will lose so bad Susan will come to her senses and leave this miserable excuse for a human and come to me the next comander of the Lion Army, Lets go Len!" He picked up two wooden swords, threw one to Len, and ran to the ring.



Len grabbed the sword and followed Vick into the ring, he was going to enjoy winning this match. The children gathered around the ring, they were all cheering on Vick, and booing Len. There was a few kids cheering on Len but they were beaten to be quiet. Len stared into the eyes of Vick, looking at that ugly smirck,and Vick looked into the eyes of Len seeing something he never saw, something strange. Vick felt a little fear for some reason but he shook it off thinking that it was just his excitement.
"Are you ready to lose dipshit, you cant win," Vick snorted, "I'll make you pay for punching me in the nose,"
"Well, that all depends on you, are you ready to lose?"Len stood calmly letting his sword rest upon his shoulder.
"Are...Are you mocking me!?" Vick stoped snorting and lunged toward Len.
For some reason everything seemed to slow down to Len. He could see the charging Vick with slober coming out of his mouth and blood coming out his nose, walking almost. Len just stepped to to his left, swinging his sword to the back of Vick. To everyone else it happened so fast, they all gasped when they saw that not only did Len dodge the incoming strike, but he also counterd. Vick got back up, "Lucky shot," He puffed, "Bet you cant do it again!"
Vick swung his wooden sword vertivally at Len, he blocked it. Vick tried a slash to the left but he was blocked by Len again. Vick jumped back and tried for the back. Len quickly about-faced and block Vicks attack. Vick became irritated and embarassed that he could not land a single blow on the weakest kid in the village. He just started swinging crazy at Len. Len continued to block all the attacks. When Vick became tired he let his guard down, Len swooped in like a falcon at its prey, he smacked the sword across Vicks face so hard, the wood bent bakwards. The force was so strong the sword snapped, the top half of it flew into a wall. Vicks jaw was pushed out of place, there was the poping sound of the jaw dislocating, the sound is what made it hurt the most. The impact caused Vick to fly several feet, befor plumiting face first into the ground. The whole room was silent, then everyone began cheering for Len. He stepped out of the ring, and it felt like whatever took over him again left. As he left the building the other children were patting him on the back, telling him he's the best. Len knew why they were all treating him like a hero it was because they all fear him, just like they feared Vick, they're all scared by the top dog, why? power. He finally undestood this. He walked back home to get some long deserved rest.



Len walked back inside, "Im going to take a nap ok?"
"Len theres sometthing you should hear, and we want to know if your ok with it," His mother stoped him
"What?" Asked Len.
"Well, you have a gift Len, We want to control this power, Lern what you can do, thats why I would like it if you would come train at Lionshead Acadamy, your mother is ok with it, what say you?" Matthew said.
"Lionshead Acadamy, where Knights are born, I would love to go there, I'll finally be a knight just like my father."Len answered
"Good, usually you must be thirteen years old, and theres an entry fee, but i can get you in for free since im an instructer there."Matthew explained.
Len went to his room to pack but he remembered everything he ever needed to pack was long gone now. He came back out to the dinning room/kitchen, "Um will clothing and nececary itams be provided, because everything i need is in the wild with Esper?"
Matthew nodded. Len gave his mom a hug and kissed her on the cheek, "Bye mommy, I love you." He said.
She said the same thing, Len and Matthew got back on the same horse. Lens mother stepped outside, to watch her son leave. As they left Len continued to wave goodbye to his mother until they were compleatly out of site.
"Len this is going to be a long trip, theres going to be a great city we pass, thats where we restock on supplies ok?" Said Matthew.



Meanwhile in the capitol city of Legaritom, In his palice Aneroth sat on the balcony watching the city. He looked up at the darkining sky, and stared at the moon, it was a full moon tonight. He felt a strange presence, "Hrm, so he has awakened at last, one thousand years i have been waiting for this, soon he will return."He chuckled alittle, as he pushed away abit of his grey hair from his face.
"I'm abit hungry, I should fetch something to dine upon."Aneroth left the balcony, and headed downstairs to the main hall.
As he left the main hall, and entered the dinning hall he felt that someone else was in the chamber. He looked to his left, he saw a hooded person quickly hide behind one of the pillars. Aneroth sighed for a second, "Shadow we got company." wispered Aneroth.
Out of Aneroths shadow a man with short red hair, black armor, and a scar across his left eye rose.
"Yes m'lord I will take care of it."the man bowed down, then rose back up.
Shadow took a couple of steps toward the pillar, he unsheathed his sword from the side of his hip. He took one step and the figure amerged from behind the pillar. the man held a dagger in his hand and he screamed,"Aneroth you bastard, I'll kill ya for what you did to my sister!" "What did I do to your sister?" Aneroth did not even look at the man. The man became outraged, "What did you do to her? YOU ****ED HER, NOT ONLY THAT BUT YOUR THEN KILLED HER!!!!" The man raced toward to Aneroth. His dagger was blocked by Shadows sword, "I cant let you harm the emporer Abel," Shadow said. Holding his dagger, Abel jumped back, "This dosent concern you captin, now get out of my way!" Yelled Abel. Shadow looked at the ground with his good eye, "I will not tolerateanyone trying to murder the emporer, let alone one of my Dark Knights," He coldy spoke, "ABEL GELLUR, YOU ARE HERE BY UNDER ARREST FOR ATTEMPTING TO MURDER THE EMPORER, YOUR PUNISHMENT FOR SUCH TRESSON IS DEATH WERE YOU STAND!!" He roared. Shadow suddenly faded into the shadows. Befor he could take one step, Abels body fell onto the ground. His head rolled a couple intches away from the rest of his body. A seconed later Shadow reapered befor Aneroth, with his sword sheethed. With his ability to move in the shadows, Shadow, cut Abels head clean off. "Dont worry m'lord I'll have some guards clean that up." with that Shadow onced again disapered into the shadows.



Len and Matthew have been riding for awhile. In the distance there was a castle, it would seem. Matthew turned around, "There it kiddo, LionsHead Acadamy." Len had nothing to say, he was speechless.



CHAPTER 3



Copyright 2007, Thomas Carver

[DragonHeart]

Originally Posted by storymaster23

my spelling and grammer are bad but let me know what you think and if you could give me some tips

Ok well, firstly welcome to TFF, secondly, you may want to keep the following things in mind if you want to have people read your work:

1. Forum formatting. Don't just copy and paste from whatever program you use to write with, as it screws up the formatting and tends to be hard even on young eyes. If you could go through and put a blank line between each paragraph that would make it much easier to read without getting lost in all the text.

2. Spellcheck. You say yourself your spelling and grammar abilities aren't up to par. This is solved quite easily with the spellcheck feature common to most document programs (and browsers like Firefox). I highly suggest using it.

3. Try to divide the length of anything you plan on sharing into manageable chunks. 2,000 words is probably about the limit if you still want to get responses. I'd say 500-1,000 words is the prime range for comments, especially if you're asking for reviews.

That said, I'm not trying to be a bully or anything. You asked for tips, so tips you shall have. You posted a huge chunk of text though, so I'm only going to look at the first chapter for now. If you're interested (indeed, if you come back) I can look over the others, one at a time.

Keep in mind that most mistakes or issues I find in your first chapter are probably going to keep repeating throughout the rest of your work until you learn to spot them yourself. I highly suggest learning to self-edit, if you haven't already.

One other note, I'll fix spelling as I go but not punctuation or grammar. Basic writing mechanics are the author's responsibility. I look mainly for content.

Prologue

long ago in an ancient world there was a mighty war between the lions of light, and the dragons of darkness. Many humans died in between the war. After the war was over a grand continent was formed, the name of the continent was Ishba. Ishba contained many wars on its soil. After the War of Leviathan, the first successful kingdom was created by King Arthur. The kingdom was called The LionDragon Kingdom, after many years of peace Aneroth,an evil warlord took over the kingdom. Turning it into an empire, he took over the rest of the continent. Five hundred years of his reign a rebellion rose up to take back the old kingdom. The war has been waging on for four hundred years, the war is nearing its end. Soon it will all be over (This is a basic beginner's mistake for prologues. This, my friend, is called an info dump, and is one of the worst possible ways to start off a story. Most of this looks like the worldbuilding you did to set the story up for yourself and is not necessary for the reader to know. I'd remove this. Any information in here that you think is critical to the plot can be added later on an as-needed basis. Readers don't care about the past, they want the here and now, they want the action.)

Chapter 1

In a small village the men were gearing up for war, the all wore the crest of the Lion Army. (Telling. Show them getting ready, for example picking up their weapons at the armory, getting their armor from storage, etc.) It was a sad and joyful day in the village. (It can't be both. Pick one. Also telling, so I'd remove that sentence.) the sound of crying women and playful children filled the air. (Not a good combination here. Show the women of the village bidding goodbye to their husbands; a last kiss, a hug, that sort of thing. Also, I think the kids would recognize something going on and not be quite so cheerful. Children pick up on emotions and react to them. Ever see a young child start crying, only to set off every other child in hearing? ) As a man walked out of a house in full armor, a little boy came out chasing the man crying (Awkward phrasing here, split it into two sentences.)

"Daddy...Daddy...please don't go, please, please don't leave me!"he whined. (Dialogue automatically starts a new paragraph. Again, writing basics. Also, little boys don't whine, they cry.)

The knight turned around and knelt down face to face with the boy, he looks directly into the tearful eyes of the crying child. (Tense shifting. Turned, knelt, looks. Keep it to either past or present, not both. Also, tearful eyes is redundant - we already know he's crying.)

"Don't worry my boy, you're a big boy and big boys don't cry...you must be brave if not for me then for your mother," he stood up, "remember you are Len, son of Stephen, a knight of the lion army." (New speaker, new paragraph. Also, the dialogue is wooden and not very realistic. Especially for the time period. Fantasy has a medieval flavor and shouldn't have modern phrasing. Honestly he should be reassuring the tyke, not telling him to be brave. Does he know he's going to die? I'd warrant he doesn't, so it'd be much more real if he told him he was going to buy the kid something or take him somewhere special when he returns. Something like that.)

The boy, Len, brushed away his tears. The knight walked over to a horse, climbing into the saddle he got onto the horse. (Already told us his name, don't have to repeat it all the time. More redundant phrasing. If he climbs into a saddle then logically he's on the horse, you don't need to spell it out for us.)

"WARRIORS OF THE LION ARMY, LETS RIDE!!" He yelled. (Is he a captain or something? A rank-and-file knight wouldn't be leading. Perhaps this needs to be clarified and mentioned somewhere.)

All of the soldiers rode away, wives, and girlfriends were waving goodbye to their lovers for they'll never see them again. (Generally in a medieval setting there were no girlfriends, just wives. Possibly more than one per person.) Same with other family members. (Afterthought much?) All these soldiers will never be seen again alive by anyone in the village, they are last seen leaving the village with a cloud of dust in their wake. (Tense shifting again, and telling. I'd take this out though as it can be mentioned later on. Len (I'm assuming he's your MC -main character-) can refer back to this.) For a brief moment everything was still, nobody moved or said a thing, it was like the earth stopped. Then everything continued, people were going back home. Len watched all the miserable faces on the families of those soldiers go back into their homes. He looked up at the sky and noticed the sun was setting, it was a gentle sunset Len looked at it and he felt everything would be all right. He continued to watch the sun set until when he was startled by something that touched his shoulder, he turned around and saw his mother. His mother was hiding something behind her back. (A lot of words but little is said. I'd remove the rest of this massive paragraph. The time of day should have been stated near the beginning with the setting. You may want to go back and add some detail about this so far nameless village.)

"Mommy what's behind your back?" Len asked (I don't know how smart the average three y.o. is but I doubt this.)

"It's a present for you," she showed him the little box with a red ribbon on top of it.She gave it to him, Len opened the box, inside was a silver necklace with a little sword pendent. (Cliche and nonsensical. Why didn't she wait until they were inside, or indeed, wait until they knew the father wasn't coming back? Are they psychic and you forgot to mention it? )

"Its from your father it was his good luck charm, he wanted me to give it to you when he left," she paused for a minute as she stared at the sunset, " Well come on in honey I got more birthday presents for you inside, ans i finished baking the cake,come on lets go." (Logically he would have taken it with him, being a charm and all. Why not have it sent back to them when the father doesn't return? Then she can give it to him when he comes of age, or something. It would be consistent, at least.)

"Oh yeah todays my birthday I almost forgot, I'm three years old today right mommy?" asked Len (No kid this young talks like this. I also question the fact that it's his birthday and he waited until the end of the day to remember. Don't remember when you were young and all day long on your special day you were bouncing around begging to open your presents and blow out the candles? )
"Thats right Len, your three years old." his mother replied (Redundant.)

They both walked home together,as the sun vanished and the stars appeared Len celebrated his birthday, he went to sleep, and he lived his life. (The sun doesn't vanish, it sets. Unless you meant it vanished below the horizon, which would make sense. Also, I thought they were right outside their own house? Double check this for continuity. The last bit is telling again. Don't need it.)

Ok, I said I'd do the first chapter but that is way too long to do in one sitting. Actually, I think this would serve better as a prologue and end here. In all honesty I don't think this entire scene is necessary. If I were writing a story similar to this, the father would ride off to battle and die off-camera, so to speak, and the story would start with the kid being ten years old. Maybe start on his tenth birthday, have his mom give him the good luck charm, Len would make a passing reference to the loss of a father he barely remembers, and then the adventure would begin.

That's just my opinion, though. One of the basic concepts about writing any sort of story is to start as close to the end as possible. With that in mind, this entire previous scene could be jumped over and referenced later, if at all.

I highly suggest you read your work over, run it through spellcheck, and look for the inconsistencies I pointed out. Also try to add some flavor. Right now it's rather bland, just another boy-on-a-quest sort of story. You need something that makes it different from every other hero's journey already out there.

One of the big things I noticed was the lack of description. You don't need to go overboard, but we do need at least some sense of what we're "seeing". A couple sentences about the village and the residents, certainly some basic physical description of Len. Maybe a vague description of his father if you're keeping this scene.

POV needs to be established much sooner. You start in third omni and end with third limited. What this means is that you start with the camera panning and then zooming in on one person. I'd suggest having the 'camera' follow Len from the beginning. The first character you introduce is the one readers will attach to so make it a good introduction. Make the character someone we'll care about.

ETA: Another issue I'd like to address is the pseudo-psychic abilities of your characters to predict what's going to happen. This is a form of author intrusion because you're mixing up what you know and what your characters know. If a knight riding off to battle knew he would die, would he still go? Unless he's into suicide, no. Keep it as real as possible, even if it is fantasy.

All my opinion, of course. Take what you find useful, discard what you don't. And please don't take it personally, I'm not attacking you or your writing, just suggesting ways you could make it better. I'm also not saying your story is bad, per se. Not at all. It has potential, it's just very raw right now and needs some good polish.

~DragonHeart~