In God's Name (A story loosely based around the Crusades)

[Silver]

Okay, this is an odder story of mine. Made from scratch with some very basic knowledge of parts of the crusades. It most likely has no historical accuracy, but that is not the purpose for it's existence. I wrote this with an idea in mind. I was sick of how the media had convinced some of my friends that all Muslims were evil. This was one example I used to show them, that we are a lot more alike then they originally thought. Anyway, I hope someone else gets something from this, so anyways, enjoy.

In God's Name (A story loosely based around the Crusades)

I heard it had been a tough battle earlier today against those arabs, the ones who were threatening the Church and it's divine authority. The Muslims I think they were called. I had just arrived with some other fresh men and was eager to fight for my country and Church, despite the fatigue brought about by wearing plate and chain in this heat. I and a few other newly arrived knights were talking with a veteran of sorts. A man who'd fought a few skirmishes here and knew what he was talking about. He told us about the weapons they used, swords known as scimitars, whose length was longer than it might appear due to a bit of a curve and the armour they used, lighter armours for ease of movement and a little more flexibility.

Suddenly a horn blew. I recognised it as the horn of Henry the Courageous, the knight who was in charge of our group. We said our goodbyes to our new friend and hurried back to our tents. Henry explained that we would not have time to rest as a large group of the Muslims had been sighted trying to sneak around our main forces. We mounted our horses and grabbed some fresh, sharpened wooden lances and began our interception.

The battle was long and hard and with all the screaming of the dying and the yelling of fresh warcries and curses, not an actual word could be heard. The Muslims were a smart bunch. They jumped up from behind sand dunes or from under the sand itself. This freaked out the horses, who were already on bad terrain, and many fell and were lamed. The Muslims were able to fight more aggressively as they were not constricted by heavy armour and could dodge or block with their scimitars. Still, our two handed swords were a lot longer than their one-handed scimitars giving us something we couldn't afford to waste. A longer reach.

We eventually won, most likely due to numbers alone, but only a couple of horses had survived which was not enough for the half a dozen knights remaining. It was decided that two would hurry back and request horses while the rest of us walked back as good as we could. The remaining four of us decided to walk back in pairs as myself and John were less encumbered than the other two due to how we wore a breastplate and chainmail, as opposed to their full plate. We wished each other luck as we left, knowing how hard the trek back would be in our heavy, overheated armour.

John and I walked and walked for hours. We stopped feeling sure we were going the right way. The sands seemed to all look the same. It was then that we saw them. A ragtag group of the Muslims, most likely from the last battle like us. We decided to attack. With our longer weapons we figured we could take two each, especially as they had not seemed to have seen us yet, and three of the four appeared to have some manner of deeper wounding. We hatched a plan. I would stay hidden behind the dune we were behind now and John would circle around to the other side using dunes as cover. We'd then try to catch the less injured looking man off guard and then finish off the wounded three.

As I waited for John to go around to the other side, I thought about what had brought me to this situation. I remembered the sermons at the local Church. The people we were now fighting, the Muslims as they were called, they wanted to destroy our society and create their own without God. The sermons we attended reinforced the fact that they didn't believe in God and made us realise how bad a society without God must truly be. It was God we fought for, our creator and our provider. It was then that I noticed I'd been prematurely spotted by one of the Muslims. He started advancing. I got up and charged. "IN GOD'S NAME!” I roared. "For Allah!” was his reply.

The End

Feel free to comment.

[CLOUD]

Well, a lillte bit of historical events, some Christian - Muslem fighting, ambushing in the dunes & a catchy name as "Henry the Courageous" always do the trick.

The Muslems weren't that evil. They did invade & capture those territories, but other than that not much. Not like the crap the Catholic-Papic Church was spreading around...they want a world without God, so le't go & slap them acroos their faces like bitches. Do it yourself Pope!!!

In the end you always get to feel guilty & stupid.

Nice work celtic.

[DragonHeart]

Hmm...I think it would have a lot more impact if you did a lot less telling and a lot more showing. As it is now, I don't really care about the main character or what's going on. I feel like I'm reading some sort of report; just the facts, none of the details.

For example:

I had just arrived with some other fresh men and was eager to fight for my country and Church, despite the fatigue brought about by wearing plate and chain in this heat. I and a few other newly arrived knights were talking with a veteran of sorts. A man who'd fought a few skirmishes here and knew what he was talking about.

"Damn, it's hot out here!" I said, shifting uncomfortably as the desert sun glared down at our newly arrived caravan.

"Just be glad you ain't in the sands yet, boy," A harsh voice answered. I turned to see another soldier, his otherwise bare chest swathed in blood-stained bandages. He studied me with a scowl.

"An hour against the Arabs and your blood'll be hot enough to scorch your skin, should you feel the scimitar's bite. And that's if you make it there. Snakes and scorps and all manner of nasty critters that can kill you as surely as steel through the heart."

We were spared from further horrors when the war-horn of Henry the Courageous sounded across the camp, calling us forth to the lines. The nameless veteran ambled off, no doubt to find more youngbloods to scoff at.

Which one sounds more interesting? You want us to feel everything your character is feeling, experience what he's going through and ultimately, care about him like a good friend. For that you need dialogue and description. Basically, you want to zoom in on this one character, give him a good close up. Let us see his role in the big picture. Without that personal touch, it just sounds like an encyclopedia article.

Just my opinion, of course.

~DragonHeart~

[Silver]

Thanks for the feedback. Praise is always welcome Cloudy, and I'm glad you liked it.
DragonHeart, thanks for the tips. It's great to recieve a little critism now and then to help you improve and I thank you for it. The example you provided was very well done too.

As for the lack of time I spent on it, I wrote it as an example. Hence the short length, and the lack of time spent on it. I was hoping to get a message across to a few guys I know.

If I get the time I might even write a good ol' proper story for TFF. Haha, it'll be going up any day now if I find myself on long car trips or back at school in a week feeling bored again.

To everyone else? Thanks for reading.

[jckyn]

a good attempt to recreate a Crusader tale, though it needs a little more violence and emotion.
you know, the Christian knights brutally slaughtered unarmed Muslim men, women and children. The knights even herded Jews into synagogues and burnt them alive. They spared no Muslim when they took Jerusalem.