Rushing a relationship? Advice...

[relm]

So yeah, this is where I am TFF... I come back with all this confusion.

So....
I met this guy about a little less that three months ago,
who lives miles away, but came up here for Christmas break
with a friend, whom we both knew. We got easily acquainted cuz
he's really fun and nice and easy to talk to. I find that I can relate
to him with a lot of things such as our interest in games and anime.
However, we differ a lot too, but that's not so much of a problem
I guess. Though he seems so sweet and caring, I've been
careful not to trust guys so easily, as I have been in multiple
relationships in the past where guys always had different intentions,
and asked for more than I wanted to give. Most of my relationships
were bad, and even abusive. I feel as if I have lost my ability to trust
others... but that's a good thing I guess, as people have told me,
i do it to protect myself from getting hurt any further.

Though he lives about 9 hours away in SoCal, he's been driving
up here every couple of weeks because he says he has Music
practice with his drum corps. When he comes within the area,
we always end up hanging out, doing random stuff, like playing
video games, board games, or chilling with my friends. Though we
did all this stuff together, I'm too scared to get close to him. At
this point, I've never hugged him, or anything because I was scared
to trust him. I put up a kinda tough-girlish front to make it look like
I'm ok and independent, which I like to think I am. But I admit, I feel
lonely, and have girly desires too... I dunno. Maybe I just want attention.
Corny, I know.

About a week ago, he came over to sleep over at my house over
the weekend because he needed a place to stay. That night we
played Silent Hill 1 on PSX (old skool hehe), we sat next to eachother,
and I held onto his arm. I'm such a fraidy cat. Soon, it was about
time for bed, so I told him he could sleep on my bottom bunk,
while I slept on the top bunk. We talked and talked, eventually
about silent hill and how demonic of a game it was. This is where it
got weird. I was getting scared of thoughts from the game (cuz
im a real wimp) so I asked him to come lay next to me in my top
bunk :X. So he took the offer, and climbed up and lay right next to
me in bed. It was awkward at first, but being caught in the moment,
I let him hold me in his arms. We layed there and just talked about
random things... I didn't get any sleep that night. The whole time,
just pondering how sudden things were. *cough* nothing happened,
he just layed there, silent, as he held me in his arms. Gosh...

Am i too aggressive? Am I too desensitized to the physical aspects
of a relationship? Rushing things? I mean I've only, known him for
3 months, and within those three months, I've only been seeing
him 2-3 three times per month, and seldom talking to him on the
phone, and thru chat for only a few hours a week. 3 months, and
already in bed with him. I like him... Am I too quick to trust him on
this one... I'm not sure of his intentions, but he seems to mean well.
Maybe I just know what I want... but am too afraid to be let down again...
Maybe this is too personal a question to ask, but I don't feel comfortable
talking about this with my close friends.

[Mistress Sheena]

Well, I have to say that you didn't really 'sleep with him'. You did, but you didn't, you know?

I wouldn't blame you because you were kinda scared and stuff, so it's normal for that. You are somewhat rushing with the description of the times you see him, but really, if you like him, go for it.

I think he means well too, since he didn't do anything, but it's never a bad thing to be cautious. So while you should kind of be more confident, you should be careful too.

I just wish you luck and hope it works out for you. I'm here if you need me though.

[Fishie]

Well I don't blame you in a way for keeping your guard up when guys trry to get close to you. He sounds like a great guy and you should really give him a chance. Sometimes you just have to take a risk for things and even go for it......including being with somebody. Not only that, but if you just ponder and thought and not give him a chance, there will always be that "What if..." in your head and you'll never know. He sounds like the kind of guy that would be there for you and really care for you.

I wouldn't say that you are aggressive though. You know, I don't blame you for keeping your guard up with guys. Your just protecting yourself and sometimes its good to do that, but sometimes you just have to risk things, even if it means your heart's on the line.

[OmniTense]

Make sure you know him really really well and study him very carefully before you let him get that close again.

Because, us guys, have a tendency to play people, besides, he might not be such a sweetheart. If you guys have a common friend he's probably not that bad...but you have to be sure, you know?

[Cain Highwind]

I think you're pacing it just right, as long as you feel confortable with things, then all's well, if he tried to "step it up" and you don't like it, let him know. Like Knox was saying you'll never know from doing nothing. On the other hand I've had a case scaring ladies away just from a little contact and I'm left wondering why they never call.

Eyahhh >.< but anyway, I'd say you're playing things well, and this guy also sounds like he's taking it slow which is good.

[relm]

Oh wow, thank you guys so much for the advice. The advice
you have given me so far is very sound. Yeah, I know what you
guys mean, I can sense he has some good intentions, but I feel
I cannot fully put my trust into him yet. I mean it's only been three
months... I wudn't think he'd deserve it... I dunno maybe I'm just weird.

But just the fact that he lives so far away puts me in a difficult
situation... It would be so hard for us just to see each other, it
could easily water down to just a normal long distance thing once he
stops coming up here for his drum corps practice...
I'm sad now. I feel like I'm standing at the crossroads of something
big but I dont know yet. Yeah, distance really does ring loud in my
head....

[CLOUD]

I might be the worst one in the forum to try to give you advice, but i'll try to show you some things as i'd see them if i were in his shoes.

First of all, have you thought about what kind of relationship you want right now? I'd consider carefully the distance between you- 9 hours; it's long. Especially if you really like him & he likes you as well, most times the distance will bother you. If you want to know what he does, where he is & check up on him in general, then you'll end up calling him all the time without noticing, asking & asking. He'll like the way you're interested in him, but sooner or later this will get frustrating. Distance means that you'll have to be sure about the other persons whereabouts- or you'll spend your time thinking about it & worrying.We don't like either of that. It gets tiring being controlled all the way, but we arent' pigs as we're considered to be, so he won't want you to be so tight about the relationship whenever you're away- most of the time that is.

I never had a girlfriend who lived so far for me that i wasn't be able to see her; up to the other side of the city the most. Eventhough, most times, i'd like to see her almost evey day & if all i could do is talk to her on the phone,on the net & see her every 2-3 weeks, then i'd probably give it up. I can see you understand that & don't keep your hopes high yet; that's good.

As i've said, it's the way i see it & i don't know either of you, so most of what i say is eitheir crap or not worth reading. Anyway, i'll go on.

I don't think you're too aggressive. It depends on the way the other person sees it. He doesn't know you that well, does he? Then,he's either thinking you really like him,or that this is your way with people- that you're an open person, communicative & very social. I'm the exact opposite, it might sound stupid, but i never let anyone in. I'd think of you being like that in general, i'd not rush to say "She likes me" & go for the spoils. It takes time.

I like the fact that you admit you want attention; not many girls do & i hate it when they don't. But you shouldn't even try to get his attention. Trying to do so might make you act like a different person. iIf you actually mean something to him, he'll have his attention on you, without you having to do anything. He'll appreciate you for being yourself. Then you'll be sure ,or at least closer to understanding his feelings.

Just think about what you want out of this. You want something worth the effort, or something that might not even last for a month & hurt you for more than that? How'd he feel about it? If you're to hurt him as well, then you should drop it if he doesn't deserve it. What would your behavior towards your common friend will be like if this doesn't work out? I think it's early to talk about this- you should get to know him better,see what his behavior is like in his natural environement, with his friends & family. You like him like him, so you might be so excited about him that you don't see his real self. Sometimes we don't see the most obvious thing, even if it's in front of us. If you don't,you might have second thoughts later on. I'd be sure before anything.


I don't think i was any help; you must have already thought of what i've said.There's one thing i can say & be sure about it. Don't be scared of men; it's not justified- as i've said,we're not all monsters & we can do fine in a relationship without being kagoures. It's about the person, not his looks, not what he gives out by trying to be like all the others.

[Silver]

I say, don't rush things, as sinister said, some guys can be quite talented at playing people. I've got some 'friends' like that who I felt, as a decent human being, I should belt their brains out. I hope that makes sense, English was never my top subject. That said, wait and see, chances are he's the real thing. I hope this helps in some way. Good Luck.

[~FANTASY-ENDER~]

I read your first post and yeah your doing the right thing by taking your time to get to know each other better. After reading your post it sounds like that your a strong hearted person thats a great thing, and your not a person that rushings into romances, thats great. I know how you fell about not being hurt again, I'm in the same boat with some ex-girl friends. They wanted to rush in the romance, I'm one of those people that wants to know the person very well first before I move to the next step. And yes when you've been hurt it's hard to trust people, I still have that problem. And have him earn your trust!!!!!!!

[relm]

Cloudy - Yes, i see what you're saying...

It's funny how you mention his feelings, because I don't
think I've ever stopped to think how he felt about that night.
I don't want to hurt him, but at the same time I don't want
to put my full effort into it, because what if I make the wrong
choice? I guess you have to do the best with what you have
and if it was really meant to be, things would work out... but
that ideology hasnt really worked for me ever, and there are
just so many variables. I'm scared that he won't be willing to
drive those long hours to see me after his drum corps season is
over. I'd like to spend more time with him, but I can't because
of distance, and I think if I get into a relationship with him
distance may also cause it suffer... thanks for understanding that.

I know that acting like I want attention will only make him see
that I am dependent on him, and I don't want that :/ Though
he says he cares, I can't find myself relying on guys' words anymore.
I've been in more relationships than you can count on two hands :X..
..if you count the unofficial ones too. Jeeez, that makes me
sound like a hoe... even to my standards. But even with all
the experience I have had, I've never given it up to any guy...
I hope he didn't get the wrong idea from that night. I've been in
relationships before where all I was to the guy was some trophy
to show off, and used just to satisfy physical needs, and I don't
want him to see me that way. He seems special though (not
special-ed ) I shud really ask him what his feelings were.

Thanks again for you guys' kind advice.

[Chez Daja]

First of all;

Originally Posted by relm

That night we
played Silent Hill 1 on PSX

I love you.

Secondly...

I don't think you did anything wrong. I mean, you're both single, and you like each other, so theres' no harm in getting a little close.

The three month thing isn't so awful, either. I had a relationship of two years and two months with a guy I had known for only about a month before. Although the last year had been shifty and painful, it taught me a lot. I split up with him coming up to a month ago now.

And I'm pretty sure you'd know to end a relationship if a guy was making you miserable and whatnot.

Right now, I'm interested in a guy I've only known for only about a month-ish. Some of the things we've spoken of could have been considering crossing a massive line; but alas, we're both single and a free, and why not have a flirt and have some fun with each other?
I've learnt that I care very much about him, and vice versa, and that perhaps in the future, we could cultivate somekind of relationship together.

The thing is; sometimes you meet somebody that you like regardless of time. If you spend SOME tome together and get to know each other, there's no harm in a casual arrangement, (I'm not talking sex or anything, but just flirting and stuff.)

I don't think you're rushing it at all. Even if it turns out that you don't like him after a period of time, you can say you had a fun crush, right?

And if it gets serious and goes well, then yay!

Remember; not all guys are abusive/cheaters/liars/wankers. There are even some guys who don't put their penises first.

It can be really hard to trust. I was cheated on by my second boyfriend, and it sort of warped my prespective on trusting men. He was abusive and used to call me up with threats and whatnot... but it's important to realise that not all men are like this.

As for the guy I broke up with lately.......don't even get me started.

I'm not one to really "share experiences", since I've only really been with three guys... but in total, it's a good two years and eight months-ish duration in all.

I like to think I've learnt from my experiences and hope that this is helpful.

[Govinda]

From reading that, it doesn't seem to me that you (or him) are rushing ahead at all. I mean, he lay with you in your bed, and did nothing but hug you; personally, I think that's very sweet.

In a way, it reminds me of my boyfriend and I, when we first met; neither of us knew what was going on, and were both scared to continue, and far too scared to ask what the other was feeling. But things worked out. Time happens; all you can do is roll with it.

There are some decent men in the world, believe me. I've got one. And once you find one, you should hang onto him. But is your new friend one? That's the question. Problem is, you won't find out unless you trust him, and see what's what. But from your story, he seems decent enough. It's a gamble, always.

But then there's the distance...I don't know how to advise you on that. In six months time, I'm going to be moving to the other side of the country, 250 miles away from my aforementioned boyfriend, to go to University. I've never done the distance thing before; but it doesn't sound like much fun, does it?

You've got a lot of things to consider, but all that really matters is the way you two feel about one another. If things don't work, they don't work, and you've learned something new.

But most of all; good luck, whatever choice you make.