Divorce!?!

I am against divorce unless there is any kind of abuse. an I mean physical or mental.

Lately I have been conflicted. My friend is getting a divorce an though I respect them I am angry at the same time. I keep wondering if it is just becuase my mother an my father had a falling out.

So my questions are:
~ do you think getting a divorce is right?
~does it have a negative effect on the children?
~an under what cirrcumstances should divorce be allowed?

I wrote my dad a letter after my an my best friend talked. I just wanted to know why even though I know him now.

High vs. Low Conflict Marriages

People who choose divorce often say that the decision was made because of wanting what was best for their children. A number of marriage and family experts do agree that under certain circumstances it can be in the child's best interest in the long run for some parents to separate or divorce. This is particularly true for children who live with parents who have what is referred to as a "high conflict" marriage meaning that the couple frequently engages in hostile, aggressive and destructive fighting. However, it is estimated that only 30% of divorces occur under these circumstances. Approximately 70% of all divorces end "low conflict" marriages. Many experts believe that these are marriages that could potentially be saved, and that continuing the marriage would not produce more negative stress for the child than would ending the relationship.

Paul R. Amato of the University of Nebraska, Lincoln states, "In the low-conflict marriages, parents do not hate each other. Many are bored, and their marriages could be salvaged."

The research found that when children from divorces in low-conflict marriages reach adulthood they often experience increased psychological distress, reduced happiness, fewer ties with family and friends and reduced marital quality.

If many of these marriages could be salvaged why are so many people opting for divorce? It is speculated that Americans are leaving their marriages earlier and more frequently than in the past because of an increase in social acceptance of divorce, the ease with which divorces can be obtained and because of unrealistic expectations. Other factors contributing to divorce include a decline in the value of commitment, a growing "me first" mentality and the belief that divorce, apart from infidelity and unfaithfulness, is not really a "sin". After all, how could God possibly want someone He loves to "suffer" for the rest of their life in a marriage that isn't making them happy?

One additional important factor to consider when examining the reasons why so many people are divorcing today is that they do not fully understand the damage that can occur in their own life or in the lives of their children. If you are in a marriage that you believe is going nowhere and your needs are not being met, take the time to carefully understand some of the facts about divorce before you seriously consider it as a possible solution to your marital problems.

Recently, The Heritage Foundation published a report on the effects of divorce on America1. Below is a summary of some of the effects of divorce identified in that report along with other relevant facts and statistics.

The Effects of Divorce on Children and Families

"Only acts of war and the events of natural disasters are more harmful to a child's psyche than the divorce process." The Newsletter of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, summer 1997.

* Social science research reveals that the effects of divorce not only impact a child into adulthood, but they also affect the next generation of children as well.
* Children from divorced families drop out of school at twice the rate of children from intact families.
* The single best predictor of teen suicide is parental divorce and living in a single parent household.
* Children of divorced parents are significantly more likely to become delinquent by age 15, regardless of when the divorce took place, than are children whose own parents are married.
* Comparing all family structures, drug use in children is lowest in the intact married family.
* Children whose parents divorce have lower rates of graduation from high school and college and also complete fewer college courses.
* Children from divorced homes performed more poorly in reading, spelling, and math and repeated a grade more frequently than did children from intact two-parent families.
* The college attendance rate is about 60 percent lower among children of divorced parents compared with children of intact families.
* Divorce has been found to be associated with a higher incidence of depression, withdrawal from friends and family; aggressive, impulsive, or hyperactive behavior; and either withdrawing from participation in the classroom or becoming disruptive.
* Adult children of divorced parents experience mental health problems significantly more often than do the adult children of intact families.
* Children younger than five years of age are found to be more vulnerable to the emotional conflicts occuring during the separation and divorce of their parents. Older children frequently withdraw from home life and seek intimacy away from home.
* If divorce occurs when the children are teenagers (12 to 15 years of age), they tend to react in two very different ways: by attempting to avoid growing up or by attempting to "speed through" adolescence.
* Teenagers also tend to experience increased aggression, loss of self-confidence, and loneliness. Boys are more likely to be depressed than girls.
* The child's suffering does not reach its peak at the time of the divorce and then level off. Rather, the emotional effects of the parents' divorce can be played and replayed throughout the next three decades of a child's life.
* Divorced fathers are less likely to have a close relationship with their children; and the younger the children are at the time of the divorce, the more likely the father is to drift away from regular contact with the children.
* Following divorce, as many as 40 percent of parents are so stressed by the divorce that their child-rearing behavior suffers. They frequently change from rigid to permissive behavior and from emotionally distant to emotionally dependent.
* After divorce, children tend to become more emotionally distant from both the custodial and non-custodial parent.
* According to the National Survey of Families and Households, during the late 1980's and early 1990's about one in five divorced fathers had not seen their children in the past year, and less By adolescence (between the ages of 12 and 16), less than half of children living with their separated, divorced, or remarried mothers had seen their fathers at all in more than one year and only one in six saw their fathers as often as once a week.
* Boys, especially if they are living with their mothers, respond with more hostility to parental divorce than girls do, both immediately after the divorce and for a period of years thereafter. Girls often fare worse when living with adult men, either their father or a stepfather.
* Wallerstein found that 15 years after the divorce, only 10 percent of the children felt positive about it.
* As adults, children of divorced parents are half as likely to be close to their parents as are children of intact families.
* Divorce has been found to diminish the capacity of children to handle conflict. In their own marriages, children of divorced parents are more likely to be unhappy, to escalate conflicts, to reduce communication with their spouses, to argue, to shout when arguing, and to assault their spouses physically when they argue.
* Fear of peer rejection is twice as likely among adolescents of divorced parents.
* Children of divorced parents do more poorly in ratings by their parents and teachers on their peer relationships, hostility toward adults, anxiety, withdrawal, inattention, and aggression compared to children with intact families.
* Remarriages after divorce tend to be unstable, break up more often, and end more quickly than do first-time marriages. Remarriages are 50% more likely to divorce in the first five years compared to first marriages.
* Clinical depression rates overall were highest among divorced women, but divorced men showed the highest rates among those who had not been previously depressed. Depression was most acute among those divorced who did not have consistent conflict, and among those who were socially isolated.
* Women and children suffer most economically. Only half of the divorced men in America pay their full support consistently; one-quarter make partial, inconsistent payment, and one-quarter of them pay nothing.
* For years, many experts believed that the effects of divorce on children were hardest at the time of the breakup. However, many now agree that the most powerful impact from divorce occurs in the early 20's. For these young people, this is the time when male and female relationships take center stage and the influence of their parents' divorce crescendo.
* Some studies concerning the probability of divorce for children of divorced parents have found the risk to be more than twice the risk for children of intact families.
* Daughters of divorced parents tend to divorce more frequently than do the sons of divorced parents, with the risk as much as 87 percent higher during the earlier years of marriage for daughters of divorced parents than for those from intact marriages.
* When the parents of both spouses have divorced, the risk of divorce is increased by as much as 620 percent in the early years of marriage, which declines to 20 percent by the 11th year of marriage.
* Following a divorce, children are more likely to stop practicing their faith.
A word of encouragement to the divorced and those considering divorce

The facts presented above are not intended to discourage the thousands of men and women, who through no fault of their own are divorced. Nor are they intended to cause distress for those whose actions influenced or caused a divorce. Instead, these facts are shared as a reminder to those who are married or are considering getting married that divorce carries with it many potentially harmful and life changing consequences for everyone involved.

If both people in a marriage are Christians, it is essential that divorce never be considered an option for resolving marital problems. Jesus tells us in Mark 10:6-9, "But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.' 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

The Bible also addresses the man or woman who is married to an unbelieving spouse. In 1 Corinthians 7:12-14 Paul writes, "If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him."

No one would disagree that marriage can require a lot of work and patience, as well as a strong commitment. However, when a marriage relationship is on track it can also be the source of incredible joy and satisfaction. If you are struggling in your marriage don't give up. Continue to ask God to give you the strength, wisdom and encouragement that you need. I want to also recommend that you make the commitment to working with a qualified Christian marriage counselor. Even if your spouse will not participate in the counseling process with you it can serve as an important source of support and guidance during the difficult times.

If you are married, try not to let a day go by without affirming your commitment to your spouse. Be willing to confront problem areas and to seek real solutions to the challenges you may be facing. If we are willing to allow God to continue His work in us, our marriages can be all He designed them to be and we can avoid the devastating effects of divorce!

Questions to ask yourself before you choose divorce?:

1. Do you really believe that divorce is the best solution to your problems?
2. Are there personal issues in your own life that you don't want to address?
3. Are you being "hard hearted"? Is your motive to hurt, control or get your own way?
4. Have you considered the impact of divorce on your children and grandchildren?
5. Are you being faithful to your spouse in both thought and deed?
6. Are there other areas of your life that you are not satisfied with?
7. Are your expectations for your marriage realistic?
8. Are you able to extend grace and forgiveness to your spouse?
9. Have you sought help from an experienced Christian counselor or pastor?
10. Do you trust God to help restore your marriage?

[TomStrife]

I think its pretty sad that every other US marriage ends up in divorce.
The only team I think it's neccessary is when the wife is beaten or if the man or woman is cheated on (I didn't use the example of w oman beating a guy because China's marriage applies for nothing. No offence girls).

I know I can't make it through a thread without throwing Jesus in, but I think that marriage is the uniting of two people, a man and woman, and helping them get closer in their relationship with God and use each other as stepping stones in their spiritual walk.

However, marriage is getting sadly abused these days and it's becoming such a sad case that many people believe it's pointless.

~PS: When I said China's family, I meant the female wrestler, not the country. =D~

[Tiffany]

My personal opinion on the growing rate of divorces is because of people hurrying to get married too young. How does one know what they want at 20 years of age? Getting engaged, that's one thing. But actually going through and getting married? Totally another.

My best friend got married at 22. Her and her BF had been togeather for 5 years already, and figured that marriage was the logical next step. She will still contend that it was the worst mistake she's ever made in her entire life. She's in the process now of going through a divorce, not because her and her hubby are lazy or don't feel like working on their marriage (they tried to work on it for 3 years) but because they "grew up".

You don't have the same mentalites at 27 as you do when you are 22. I was young and stupid and got engaged at 21 myself, because I wanted the wedding, wanted the whole "me" day, got all enthralled with it. Thank freaking god I didn't go through with it. It would have been the biggest mistake of my life and I probrably would be divorced by now myself. I wanted to be married so bad at 21 that I tried to force/pretend/shape the guy I was dating into what I wanted to marry.

Luckily for me, I had a few nights of clarity. I kept feeling like I was settleing. I always figured when I got married, it'd be because I had found the one for me. I just had this nagging doubt that he wasn't it. I remember litereally sitting one night thinking "Why do I feel like I am settleing if I love him so much?"

Looking back, I didn't love him the way I thought I did. I was forcing myself to think that way because of the whole marriage thing. I'm so happy that I backed away from it. I definitly wouldn't be where I am today, and the guy was a lazy bastard who couldn't be bothered to even shower, let alone take on the day.

I think once people start to respect marriage more, and take it as the serious commitment that it is, is when you'll see the divorce rates dropping. People rush too fast into it then feel trapped.

Originally Posted by Cheesevixen

~ do you think getting a divorce is right?
~does it have a negative effect on the children?
~an under what cirrcumstances should divorce be allowed?

I think divorce is too much of a grey area to be able to say if it is "right" or "wrong". For some people, it's right, for other's it's wrong. To me, it all depends on the situation.

Yes, I think it can have a negative effect on the children. I can only speculate though, because my parents are not divorced. My cousins parents got divorced and even to this day, they're scarred from it. I believe that that scarring is because we all grew up in a very religious environment, which talks about how divorce is a "sin". (That's what we were taught, growing up)

Under circumstances? I'm of the opinion that if people want to get divorced, they should be allowed to, so whatever brings them there, brings them there. I don't believe in "staying togeather for the kids", there's lots of very happy "blended" families out there.

But I really think it's too much of a grey area to be able to say if it's okay or not. Not sure if anything I said makes sense, or if I'm just babbling

I agree (while probably being a hypocrit) that people do rush into marrage more now than say 30 years ago. Way back when you hear of people marrying their daughter off at 14 to bear children. I think divorce was looked on as a even worse thing back then though. I think I believe that if it is not a bad siutation than people should at least try counseling if they have children.There had to be a reason they got married in the first place right? An not to mention that the mother is usually the one that gets the children. Leaving her responsible for them on her own, and not many men want a women with kids. An if the women is not in a good place in her life because of the things divorce can cause (ie money problem, transportation, lack of child care) would that not be putting the children in a bad spot? the father gets to go out an start over. Maybe he pays a little child support, but to me a father without children in the home are better off when it comes down to support an finances. while they can lie an say they have no children or find a girl that feels sorry for them (or likes them being a distruat father, there are those out there) an can find love more easily again. I think that marrage is a bond between two people that shouldnt be taken lightly. Although I do respect anyone that seeks a divorce. THat is their own will. If Scorpain wanted a divorce I would say okay an sign the papers, but to me I don't think I could ever do that. Scorpian would be hurt badly if i took his son away, and it just seems that they are willing doing it if they ask for a divorce.

[Chez Daja]

~ do you think getting a divorce is right?
Not necerssarily, unless one of the partners is cheating or if there is physical abuse or mental anxiety.

~does it have a negative effect on the children?
Before the stages of divorce, yes, it does. The children often feel as though they are to blame, or as if they need to protect their parents and try to make them fall for each other again. (Believe me, I went through this shit before and my brother, sister and my mother lived in fear, while I was the one to try and protect them...even though my father wasn't horrible.)

~an under what cirrcumstances should divorce be allowed?
Like I said before, only under anxiety mental stress, physical harm...

To be honest, I'm a little on the traditional side in the marital way. I'm a little lame, as I think marriage should be something special...I am in no way religious, but I really feel marriage is something to be cherished and treasured. If I am ever to be married, I want it to be forever.

[KuroTenshi]

Personally, I think getting a divorce is fine under the right circumstances though. I hate how people can just sign a piece of paper and thats it, the life they had with that person, that special promise etc is completely over.
Marriage is an important thing in life and one that shouldnt be broken, UNLESS there is physical or mental abuse. Or no matter how many times you've tried, you just dont have that spark anymore. You cant force yourself to love someone, its not right.
Being inlove with someone else is another reason for divorce, I think its a lot better than having an affair because if I were in that situation, I'd be so ****ed off.

As for the children thing. I think it can **** up your children, if they are watching you two argue all the time but I think if you can genuinely have a good friendship with your ex partner it makes things a lot easier on them. Sometimes divorce cant be helped like I said before so sometimes you do have to make the best of things.
I think in some cases there can be a lot of negative effects and then in others there can be a couple of positive effects, like actually getting time to spend with each parent. Im sure its nice to develop kind of friendships with them.

[Megumi]

I agree with a lot of the points that have already been pointed out.

I think that divorce is so common because of people rushing into marraige. I don't care what anyone says, 20-25 is still to young to be married in my books.

My parents divorced when I was 9. I would'nt say it damaged me a lot, but because my Dad cheated on my Mum, I do have trust issues. I can't stay with a guy for longer than 3 months before I have to end it with fear of being hurt. So I blame my Dad for that.

I think that divorce should only be allowed because of mental/physical abuse or adultry. But I do agree with Tiffany. It is a grey area and depends on the situation. I think it is just a sad fact of life that divorce is so common and somthing we have to live with. All we can do is make sure we don't make the same mistake as the majority and take control of our own lives.

[Cyanide]

A bit late on this one, but meh.

Divorce is a right in my opinion, same as getting married. There are no needed "cirrcumstances" for a person to decide that they dont love, or just dont want to be with a person anymore. It was there choice to get together, and theres to part. Mental/physical abuse of corse call for a seperation, but if you feel forced to live with someone you dont want to it could (in my opinion) cause far to much undue stress, and lead to physical/mental abuse.

When it comes to the kids, most of the time the kids will end up fine, so long as the parents dont hold a grudge against one another. Having a child raised by a mother who reffers to her ex in angry/insulting manners could cause the child to get a warped, or biased opinion of there father. The same can be said of the oposite.



To add a personal note - my parents divorced when i was 7, i kept seeing my father once weekly for a year, then he stopped showing up, and it turned into once every month or two i would see him. At the same time my mother never put him down, and tried to make me feel better about this without putting him down. I Hold no gridge against my father for that, but i do feel that i do not know him as much as i would like. I call him Andy, and have not heard from him in years. I think if he had kept in contact i would be better than i am now, but at the same time i could end up worse, as my father did put down my mother alot, so i could have ended up with a warped opinion of my mother.

[Storm]

If arguments and fights break out regularly, I believe divorce is acceptable.

One thing is annoying me in my current life. My auntie and uncle divorced a 2 months ago due to continuous bickering and fighting, which upset both them and their children. My auntie was 19 when she had the twins (my cousins), and he was 25, and they got married early too. Well, they were married for about 6 years, and their arguing as well as him spending money on gadgets and not helping cleaning caused the split, though they are still good friends and he still has regular contact with the kids (who are living with my auntie).

Now, 2 months after she split from him, she met a friend of a friend 2 weeks ago. She fell "in love" with him within 24 hours of knowing him. She is seeing him tomorrow, and it seems they are rushing into a relationship with eachother. I dread to know how the kids and her ex will feel about this when they find out (my gran is going to be minding them when my auntie visits this bloke). I have nothing against love, but the children adore their father so much. I feel that she should raise the children for a while until getting into a proper relationship with another man. At least getting to know him before having a proper relationship.

I agree with chez Daja's comment, that mariage should be something special, not something taken for granted.

Men and women both go through rebound, where they cling to anything they feel will accept them. The only problem with that, besides stability, is the aftershocks it leaves on those around. By entering a marriage and/or having little ones to take care of, the decisions a person makes are no longer just about them. I believe that hopping from one person to another is a sick (no offense to your auntie, just to her way of life concerning this) and unsatisfactory way of accomplishing "true love".

[Storm]

Sorry if what I put was a little hard to undersatnd, but my Auntie is not a slut of sorts and doesnt hop in and out of relationships. She is a really nice person, and has a good heart. She loves her children, but she is a little naive about things. She didn't intend on meeting another guy, but she has. She is now spending a few days with him. I do understand what you mean, though, and I am quite disappointed in her for being so naive about this situation, but its her life I guess.

I do agree with what you said about mariage not being entirely about yourself, but with your partner and your children. The kids adapted well to not being with their father, and they do see him regurlay without the family quarrels they did have. I do find it silly that she is already head over heels with someone she had only met for a day.

[TheHasteChocobo]

There is no good reason to cheat on or hurt someone you love.
There is no good reason to marry someone you don't love.
People need to know K-N-O-W that they love some and want spend the rest of their life with each other (or most of the time) before making big decisions like that. When two people can honestly and consioulsy say that to each other then they are ready to get married.

If two people are not right for each other yet are married I think divorce is right, what is wrong is that they got married in the first place(there may be some exceptions). How about them apples?

[Shiendar]

Sometimes, those 'low conflict' marrages can be hell on the kids too. Sometimes it isn't just boredom; they just 'grew up' and away from each other. One writer found out after she got married that she didn't have anything in common with her husband... and months of trying to fix a 'low conflict' marrage, she was stressed out by the fact that she couldn't talk about any of her writing with him or any of her interests. He became very critical, so she ended it, rather than go through that kind of quiet hell.

Divorce can be a good thing, but it depends; sometimes, a marrage can be saved and it is well worth it; what is the worth of that love if you hit a rocky spot and can't hold on?

Personally, I lived through a 'high conflict' marrage (my parents) and a 'low conflict' marrage-do not be fooled. Still waters run deep.

...and as for walking closer to god, I have met quite a few Atheist couples who are far more happier in their marrages than the Christian couples I have met.

It takes two patient people to make a marrage to work. We have all been mostly raised to expect marrage as the ultimate, our soul mates as our spouces, when it rarely works that way.

Sometimes, it isn't worth it to keep going when you grow in different directions.