Critiques?

I was wondering if there was anyone here who liked to do critiques of peoples stories or anything? I have a novel I'm working on that I'd like to post, but I don't want to post it if no one is going to post any comments on it. It feels like a waste of time. I've looked at some of the threads in this forum, and it doesn't look like people critique each other that often.

[King Fenii]

I agree. This is a nice thread you made. If you feel like commenting, why don't you start by commenting MY story? You know, The Chronicles of Inferno Mage. It would be nice if the Literature section started to be interactive as well. I would also like to start commenting on your story as soon as it's done. Keep me noticed okay?

Thank you!

[Aldras]

I am willing to read through some novels in my spare time and then criticize it to hell. Assuming your book is done Inferno Mage, I will start posting in the thread once I get in the reading mood. I also might correct on spelling but it is only to help you. ><

[King Fenii]

My book isn't done, it will go until about chapter VII or something, so please, copy your post to this thread and delete it from MY story...please...

Thank you

[Aldras]

Originally Posted by Inferno Mage

My book isn't done, it will go until about chapter VII or something, so please, copy your post to this thread and delete it from MY story...please...

Thank you

~~~ Prologue ~~~ < Critique >
Mispells:
"...but thise weren't..." --> "...but these weren't..."

Comments:
The prologue was nice but you could of started it off by describing Mysidia more. It will make the reader more immersed into the novel. Maybe add that Mysidia was a town that resembled a ruin temple that has dark green moss growing between the titled floors or something like that. As far as the story goes, you're doing good. You ended the chapter with me wondering about this mysterious baby with glowing yellow eyes. I also wasn't expecting the boy to turn into a pale green zombie.

My Summary/Notes (so I don't forget what the story is about, you don't need to look at this):

- This novel takes place 15 years before Cecil's adventure.
- Town called Mysidia that differs from other towns by training legendary mages instead of using machinery and knights.
- Aquos and Polir are practicing their magics, Aquos uses water magic on Polir, Polir starts crying that alerts village.
- The Elder comes, lectures Aquos, but interrupted by a male that tells that Rosie is kidnapped.
- The Elder and Sed go to Mt. Ordeals, boy was a zombie, Elder 'frogs' the zombie.
- Milon is a fairy tale according to The Elder but the zombie differs.
- Elder, Sed, and Rosie find a baby that has constantly glowing yellow eyes (mark of a powerful mage) and they all go "WTF MATE^^?"

=======================================

~~~ Chapter I: The Burning Flame ~ Part 1 ~~~ < Critique >
Mispells:
"...'.....Firaja!'..." --> "...'.....Firaga!'..." (Firaga was the first spelling, so I assumed Firaja was mispelled. Unless Firaja is a spell above Firage, please correct me.)

Comments:
Oook this chapter was rather short might want to just merge part 1 and part 2. My only complaint is that it was pretty lame that the Elder just died all of a sudden, haha. You might want to describe Inferno's years a bit. Describe the moment he mastered Firaga and his time with the village so the reader becomes attached to him. When the Elder died, I didn't care much about it because I had no attachment to him, he seemed more of an extra character on the side. Maybe include him in Inferno's passing years.

My Summary/Notes (so I don't forget what the story is about, you don't need to look at this):

- Boy is named Inferno and is exceptional with Fire magic, introduced to village.
- Inferno is 10 years old, learned Firaga by year 7 (15-10=5years before Cecil's adventure).
- Double is double cast of spell. Turbo is strengthening of the spell.
- The Elder says Inferno is noob. Inferno uses Firaga and kills The Elder.
- Before Elder passes he tells Inferno to ask his wife about a hidden rod, and her that he loves her.

=======================================

~~~ Chapter I: The Burning Flame ~ Part 2 ~~~ < Critique >
Mispells:
"...the risk was to big to talk to..." --> "...the risk was too big to talk to..."

Comments:
Nice characterization of Inferno and showing that he has a personality and is human by showing fear. The dialogue in this character doesn't really flow, might want to look at it again. It was kind of like, "Oh yeah, that rod, here, have it." "Elder dead? O noes!" *faint* Not making fun of the story but that's how I read it. Might want to make it a bit more dramatic like describing Irene more. Add something like she began to sweat and the world around he began to blur, more description and fluff. <|:3

My Summary/Notes (so I don't forget what the story is about, you don't need to look at this):

- Inferno contemplates how to deal with The Elders death and tell the village.
- Inferno sneeks to Elder's house, Elder's wife spots him.
- Inferno tells Elder's wife about his death (Inferno lied, said Elder died by a bear, BAD BOY), she faints, Sed comes in, Inferno tells Sed of the news, Sed runs out. Sed is sad/frustrated.
- The Elder's wife is identified as Irene according to Sed's dialogue.
- The Elder is identified as Magus according to Irene's dialogue.
- Inferno receives key (from Irene, from behind a painting) and goes to Mt. Ordeal to find a chest and is warned not to remove any gems because... room collapse = X___x;; Inferno

=======================================

~~~ Chapter I: The Burning Flame ~ Part 3 ~~~ < Critique >
Mispells:
"...crawling trough a narrow..." --> "...crawling through a narrow..."

"...The man wispered something..." --> "...The man whispered something..."

Comments:
This was a suprising chapter and was probably one of your better ones. At this point, Magus becoming the bad guy or power thristy being was a nice twist, I didn't expect that either. Keep it up.

My Summary/Notes (so I don't forget what the story is about, you don't need to look at this):

- Inferno makes it to Mt. Ordeal in 3 days and 4 nights, on arrival band of bandits run past him.
- Inferno uses Fira to burn all the zombies inside the gem room.
- Inferno meets Magus in his Milon Beta form, and he fails to destroy him in rage.
- Magus wants Inferno to give him another body to obtain Milon Alpha form.
- Rubicant stops Magus before he attacks Inferno, Rubicant is the rod's spirit.

=======================================

~~~ Chapter I: The Burning Flame ~ Part 4 ~~~ < Critique >
Mispells:
"...a slected program..." --> "...a uselected program..."

Comments:
Another good story shift that you've made with the bandits. It is more stuff that is tearing Cristi's mind apart because he could of stopped the destruction of the village. You are developing Cristi very well. In the text you started following the script format of name: dialogue.
You should keep your writing consistent and continue to do what you've done before. If you're going to use the name:dialogue, you can probably do it in the, "dialogue." says name format. It was just weird seeing your style change all of a sudden. Usually name: dialogue is used in RPs and this is suppose to be a novel soo... yeah. I'd suggest change it to "dialogue" says name format for that conversation.

"I like BBQ!" shouts Sliver.
"No you don't!" replies Cera in a furious tone.
"Yeah I do!" says Sliver as he pouts about.
"NU UH!" shouts Cera.
"Aaqaqaqaqadfaf ~_~"
"Wha...?" says Cera as she scratches her head.

My Summary/Notes (so I don't forget what the story is about, you don't need to look at this):

- Inferno is warped nearby Mysidia by the rod's Scorch ability.
- Village is burning due to bandits, Inferno uses Firaga and hits the bandits as well as some houses and villagers
- Town has a new Elder.
- Town is ran by:
+ The Elder
+ Black Mage Commander Quadras
+ Black Mage Elder
+ White Mage Commander Protesa
+ White Mage Elder
- Inferno overhears the council meeting.
- Black mages did not attack but the White mages struggled to protect.
- Quadras becomes a poopie head and says he should of killed Inferno.
- Inferno runs into Rosie, now know as Rosa, and Rosa says she is going to the Baron, her father.
- Inferno's is now identified as Cristi Malfecius by Rosa's dialogue.
- Rosa refers Cristi to Viv, the 4 year old black mage.

=======================================

I'll come back and read more later but for now i'm just going to stroll around. It doesn't seem like it but i've been reading this story for an hour or two because i've been thinking too hard. ~__~

lol it's good to see some people are interested in critiquing. ^^ And for the record Inferno, I have started to read your novel. I just haven't finished it so I don't have any comments on it just yet. I'll go ahead and post the first couple sections of my novel though. But just so you know, it's nowhere near done so don't wait until it is to start critiquing on it.

[King Fenii]

It really IS far from done, and I will be posting new parts soon enough. I've had a really busy period of school. But starting tomorrow, I have a vacation and can do what I please with my spare time

[Merlin]

I am willing to critique people's work if they like. Just keep this in mind: I stomp mud-holes in bad grammar and cliches.

One thing I was wondering is why nobody simply comments inside the individual threads? That is one reason this forum seems rather dead, since people are too afraid to comment or something. I know a lot of folks read the stuff, but nobody ever says anything. Do you just not wish people to post in there or what? There is no rule about it, so I was just curious. I suppose it would make it harder to sift out the "story" posts from the rest if a ton of people commented, but I don't think it'd be that bad. Either that, or there should be OOC threads. Just my thoughts on the matter.

[King Fenii]

I'm requesting that people critique my dual story: The Princess' Quest. There is a White version and a Black Version. Share your thoughts about them, because I've heard I needed to revise one of the endings...

Thank y'all!!