The Ballad of the Enchanted Tomato Fish

[Strong Bad]

Waddling rapidly down the steep hill, candy cane in hand, Stanley most as swiftly has his little webbed feet would let him. (This was pretty fast, surprisingly) Birds in the trees watched with intrigued expressions on their chirpy faces and wondered what the devil Stanley could be up to now. Suddenly the ground started to rumble as thunderous hooves beat down on the earth rapidly, not far behind Stanley. Stan held his top hat with his wing in an attempt to prevent it from blowing off his head as he waddled down the grassy decline. Not far behind him was a Wild Llama, galloping swiftly in hopes of obtaining its new meal.

”Woah, woah, woah!” chirped Stanley as he darted down the hill. Gah! He lost control of his footing and started to roll down the hill in a penguiny ball. Wham! He fell flat at the bottom of the hill, little stars circling his head. He quickly turned and jumped to his feet, not long after the Llama had caught up with him.

”Alright, you fowl penguin! I hope you taste like chicken.” Snarled the Llama as it licked its lips. Beads of sweat poured down Stanley’s slick feathers. Just when all hope had disappeared and the Llama dove forwards, its monstrous teeth gleaming in an effort to grasp the little penguin, Stanley hopped into the air! Wielding his mighty cane of candy, he brought it down hard on the Llama’s Noggin! The Llama went cross eyed, wobbled for a bit then collapsed on the ground. Birds chirped wildly as they watched the excitement from the treetops. Stanley heard the cheers and blush, followed by a grateful bow.

Enter Stanley Cumbertin

Stanley was a Penguin. No just any ordinary penguin, Stanley was a penguin with a top hat and candy cane. That must count for something, right? Stanley is locally famous for his skills in taming the wild and ferocious Llama beast. He spends his time traveling the country side searching for those in need… or even a tasty halibut. Speaking of which, Stanley was starving! He hadn’t eaten in… about 10 minutes. It was about time he marched his little penguin feet towards Boat Town and found himself some grub.

Boat Town was the closest town to where Stanley lived, an igloo. (Surprising?) Not just any ordinary igloo, Stanley’s igloo is made out of toilet paper. (Only the finest toilet paper will do for Sir Stanley!) He tried building a conventional igloo out of snow and ice… but it just kept melting. Toilet Paper is much more practical.

Boat Town is home of well… Boats! This strange town is famous for having houses constructed in the shape of boats. The gravel streets were lined with all sorts of different Boat homes; big ones, small ones, all sorts of colours, shapes and sizes. But what Stanley need was not a boat, but a fish! A tasty fish! He knew of only one place to find the tastiest fish… The town’s water supply!

Atop a massive hill stood a massive boat, filled to the brim with drinking water and all sorts of tasty treats if you happen to be a penguin. But the water supply was all the way on the other side of the town… and Stanley was hungry now! He stepped off the curb and waved his little penguin wings and waved down the bus. Soon after, a bus pulled up and Stanley hopped aboard.

Now, you have to understand that in the Land of Microsoft, people don’t use conventional cars and vehicles. They ride on gigantic Turtle Beasts! These massive critters can hold up to 20 odd people and are quite nifty when you need to get somewhere fast. On top of the massive turtle beast’s hat sat a rather peculiar armadillo. Now, for those of you who are unaware, back in the war of ’62, the armadillos fought bravely against the massive turtles who had invaded their natural habitat, the Desert of Dessert. The armadillos prevailed and formed an agreement with the massive turtles that they would become their slaves and the armadillos would drive them. Thus concludes our history class for today.

Now, Stanley scampered aboard the massive beast and found himself a comfy spot on the top of the shell. A few other random animals had decided it would be a good idea to hop aboard the trolley as well.

It didn’t take long for them to arrive at the Drinking Water ship. Stanley tipped the armadillo with some gum he found under his seat and hopped off the mighty turtle. He licked his beak, tasting the fish already! He scampered quickly up the hill and arrived at the base of the gigantic ship. Now how on earth was he going to get inside? Ah! How about this elevator! Stanley pushed the up button and waited patiently.

A short moment later the doors to the elevator opened, inside was a tiny monkey wearing a red and yellow bus-boy suit. He looked quite good in it actually. Stanley motioned towards the very top of the ship and nodded towards the monkey. ”Goin’ Up!” shouted the helper-monkey. After another short moment, the elevator reached the top and the doors opened revealing the cleanest waters the little penguin had ever seen. He took a running start and dove right into the water supply. SPLASH! The helper-monkey simply shook his head and as the doors closed he yelled, ”Goin’ Down!”

Stanley swam around like a giddy school girl. This was the best water he’d ever been in, now if he could only find some fish. He began to swim deeper into the massive ship, the light from the sky disappearing. It became rather dark and cold in the water, Stanley was feeling a little scared but that wouldn’t stop his belly, he continued deeper. Lights flashed randomly around the dark waters as random schools of fish swam by his face. He reached out to grab one of the fish; Success! A big juicy one. Mmm… he was going to enjoy this.

“Wah!” Stanley yelped as bubbles escaped his mouth. Something had just bitten his toe! ”What the devil…” he thought to himself as the fish he was holding escaped. He reached down to his toes and grabbed whatever was down there. What the Duck! It was a duck!

Stanley held on tight to the duck and swam to the surface of the water. ”Alright, Mr. Duck. Egad! What were you doing biting my toe!?” questioned Stanley.

"I'm sorry" the duck replied. "I thought you were the Enchanted Tomato Fish! The ETF is famous for granting wishes to who ever hears it sing! I was going to wish for a fancy hat like yours. Imagine that!"

Hmm… That’s a pretty good excuse, I mean, who wouldn’t want a hat like Stanley’s? Stanley nodded. ”Well then… I’d like to find this Enchanted Tomato Fish too!” Stanley informed the duck. They shook wings and agreed; they’d travel together. But first there was something very important Stanley had to take care of… Lunch! Stanley grabbed another fish that happened to swim passed, a bigger, juicier one than before.

The two amigos made their way back to Stanley’s igloo for some delicious fish and chips, maybe even a cup of tea! They had a long journey ahead of them; they’d better have a full stomach. ”Cheers, Mate!” They both said as they knocked their cups together, spilling tea everywhere.

[2ndPower]

'Twas a bad day
when Spoo the Dark Clown
came from parts unknown
to a certain Boat Town.

He stepped off the ship
to much shouts of joy,
and all the children gathered round,
every girl and boy.

They hoped that with his juggling
and joking and demonic powers
that he might be able
to entertain them for hours.

What he shouted out next
proved that they had no such luck,
"If I don't find what I'm looking for,
you're all pretty fu...*cough*"

He gagged on the stench
of rotten fish passing by,
then stood and continued,
a dark gleam in his eye.

"I have heard of in my travels
a legendary fish
who grants the one who hears it
their heart's deepest wish."

"You'll tell me where to find it
or I'll be quite mad,
and from Fido here,
there will be much trouble to be had."

He quickly made a dog
out of a rubber balloon.
It was hit with a shovel
from the sheriff's head goon.

"We don't welcome trouble,"
the sheriff's goon said,
"and if you don't leave,
I'll slap your fat head."

"A challenge?" said Spoo.
"Well then, bring it on!
By the time I am finished,
you'll be long gone."

The goon held his shovel,
and Spoo, his balloons.
Little did anyone know,
this would be done very soon.

The goon swung very hard,
with all of his might,
but Spoo jumped over it,
reaching an impressive height.

Landing behind the goon,
he tied balloons to his hair.
The goon floated up
and into the air.

Flying that high
would bring most men to fear.
The goon simply said,
"I can see my house from here!"

Spoo turned away,
finished with the fight.
The others looked for the goon,
shivering with fright.

The goon, not quite finished,
threw his shovel at Spoo's head.
It stuck in Spoo's hair
instead of making him dead.

Spoo turned in rage,
fire dancing in his eyes.
"If you're not yet done,
I'll give you a surprise!!!"

He pulled out some tonic
and shot it at the goon.
It made the balloons pop
much to soon.

The goon fell to the ground
and yet, survived.
It was a drop of three feet,
much to everyone's surprise.

Spoo, by this point,
was nowhere to be found.
Everyone looked for him,
all around.

He had ran to the fish monger,
a smelly Rhinoscorus,
and said "Hey, you!!!
What've you got for us?

The Rhino replied,
"I'm not dumb as a horse!
I'm not going to tell you,
you're evil, of course!"

At this point, though,
things just got weird.
Spoo sucked up the Rhino's daughter,
into a hall of mirrors.

"You'll never see her again,
lest you tell me what you know."
"Ok!" Said the Rhino,
"Just let her go!!"

"The fish," said the Rhino,
"is somewhere up north.
That's all that I know,
now bring my girl forth!"\

Spoo said, "Here she is."
and sucked in the Rhino too.
Both were in the hall of mirrors,
thanks to Spoo.

He pulled from his overalls
a tiny clown car,
as he stepped in, he thought
"I'll probably be going far."

"I'd best find some place
where I can get gas,
else this journey,
just isn't going to last."

He drove for two feet,
then his gas tank went dry.
He stepped back out,
and said, "Farewell, Small Fry."

He left that poor car
right were it was at rest.
Walking on foot,
the town, he left.

He walked and walked and walked cannimans little round gingerbread feet could take, no more. He was lost, lost, lost in this strange land he hadnt been before. "Im lost, he admits" so he sat on his crusty ol' fanny, Oh how he missed his family. He got up and walked some more until he heard strange sounds coming from a little place called boat town, YAY! but then he rememberd, everyones gonna run when they see me he thought, so he turned around and walked on, walked walked walked...After a whooooole day of walking he saw what looked like his long lost grcandipaws frosting hut. So full speed he ran down across the land, just then he slipped, and if youve ever seen a gingerbread man slip it wasnt anything to laught at, so he slid and slid and slid until he got closer and closer to the mistaken hut which was actually toilet paper, and crashed head first into it, sending charmin the extra soft kind flying everywhere! He looked at the duck and the penguin and sprang, as fast as gingerbread men warriors do to his feet with his tube of frosting in hand! "your not my grcandipaw! why'd you trick me!" Pointing the frosting at stanely and his nice hat! They seamed to be a lil alarmed that he had disturbed their tea time. The charmin soaking up the spilled tea, just as he attemped to step closer he fell, his gingerbread feet had soaked up WAY to much and he was helpless at the mercy of stanely and his fancy hat!

[2ndPower]

Panic time. Spoo was running as fast as his humongous clown feet could take him. Which wasn't really all that fast but still. Something ugly was going to be happening soon. It was going to be hideous, children would cry, women would scream, and men would run in fear. Spoo had eaten Mexican for lunch, and it was time for nature to take its course.

He ran, searching for some place of shelter, somewhere that he could put an end to the hell that was brewing inside of him. He tried everywhere, but something or someone was always popping up to look at him, a fish here, a rock there, he could get no privacy!!!! He ran, fear evident in his evil clown eyes. What was that in the distance? He paused to look. It was a gigantic mound of toilet paper!!!! He ran for it, and stooped down low to scoop some up. Unbeknownst to him, he had accidentally scooped up a gingerbread man as well.

Relief. Finally. Absently, he reached for the pile of toilet paper and gingerbread man, for something to clean himself with.

Just as he was grabbed against his will his anger really kicked in, and ohhhh boy its bad if you know anything about gingerbread men! He grew big, tall and his gingerbread face was grim. The previously soaked feet didnt mean anything there he stood casting his shadow over all the land stood a whopping four ft gingerbread man!!!