05-06 TOA R2: Winter v. Raine Ikazuchi

[LocoColt04]

Same as last time. No need to bore you with the same speech.

THIS ROUND WILL END SATURDAY, 24 SEPTEMBER 2005.

[Toph Bei Fong]

The second day of the TOA was at hand. Jade couldn't believe the previous battle that took place. She thought it were a dream. The whole thing could have been a dream, but she woke up from her hotel room drenched in a sweat. She yawned and stretched herself. She got up from the bed and took a shower, letting the steam take away her smelly scent. She washed her hair with Head & Shoulders and brushed her teeth with Colgate Total, Mint flavor. She got dressed in a pair of denim pants and a white tank top.

She put on her glasses then did her morning Yoga stretches before she headed out to the arena across the street. After that battle yesterday, she felt a little bit of Victoria's personality flowing within her. Jade was suddenly a little more open and confident about herself. She never thought she would do this, but before she entered the arena, she checked her watch and realized there were still a few hours left before her second match started.

She would have asked directions to where a store was, but she luckily found one a few buildings down from the tournament building. She went into the store and bought a good amount of contacts. She took off her glasses and put a pair on and looked in the mirror. She rubbed her chin in thought.

Hmm...I look better without glasses. I wonder how I would look if....

She saw a hair styling shop across the street and grinned. She went in and asked if she could have her hair dyed. She wanted it black with red streaks. With each change she was feeling more and more like her Alter-ego. She was finished with her hair about forty-five minutes later. She looked in the mirror and felt something was missing. Somehow her current attire didn't fit at all. She didn't feel spunky and seductive at all.

She searched for a women's clothing store and found one five buildings down. It looked like it had very sexy and appealing attire. They even had various heels and corsets. She was a bit embarrassed at first, but as soon as she found that certain something, she grinned and licked her lips. She purchased a pair of five inch black heels, 7 pairs of various colored thongs, and a few black bras. Now she only had to get a fitting wardrobe to wear in public, but not too slutty. Just enough to flaunt the body she has. She looked at what she currently had on and figured to get some shorts and a tight top.

She looked all over the store and found a tight black crop top and black leather pants that went down to her calf. She changed to her new attire, and put on her new heels, then looked in the mirror.

Wow... I look dead sexy... she thought to herself as she posed in the mirror. She smirked and felt brand new. She looked completely like Victoria now. All she needed was... her talents. The last stop she made was to the police station and got her name changed officially to Victoria Slywit. At first they thought she was a hooker and was about to arrest her, but then they took a good look into her eyes and noticed they were the same as the young Jade girl participating in the tournament. They did as she requested and she paid the fee that was required, and before she knew it, her new name was Victoria Slywit.

She put her old wardrobe and other belongings back in her hotel room. She went to the arena and was greeted by the receptionist. She inserted her smart card, and it showed her previous self.

“Identity not confirmed. We ask that you leave this place immediately.”

“Trust me, I'm me alright. I just changed a bit. Scan my retinas if you like.” she removed her contacts and had her retinas scanned by someone on staff. They proved to be positive for Jade Williams.

“Whoops, we're sorry. Which set would you like?” the staff person asked.

“Appearance set 2, and Weapons set 1, please.” she was guided to her pod and her mind was extracted into the virtual world before she knew it.

Victoria woke up high in the mountains, though something strange about it was that it was humid, yet had a cool breeze. She realized there was no one there but her, not even her alter-ego. Then she suddenly heard a familiar voice in her mind.

”You look very sexy... congratulations on the new you, Jade... or should I say.. Victoria.”
”I'm not completely you yet, though. I still need your voice, and your talents.
”Let yourself get taken advantage of by a man. Trust me on this. You already have what you're looking for...it's just locked up deep within you. You need a drastic experience to awaken it.”
”...If you say so.
”I do. Trust me....

After that short inner conversation, the voice and presence faded away, except she gained something in return. She gained the fighting experience and tactful mind of her Alter-ego. It turned nightfall and it became a little more cooler, but it was still a bit humid to cause her body to lightly perspire and glisten in the moonlight.

Victoria did her pre-battle stretches and then sat down at the mountain top's edge, looking at the forest-covered valley. She smiled and then closed her eyes, letting her mind flow with different strategies till her opposition arrived.

[Autumn]

The tournament usher knocked on the door of room 11 again, although distinctly louder this time. His efforts went unrealized. Within the room lay John Francis sprawled out upon a four-poster bed, eyes shut with headphones snugly fitted over his ears. He lounged there in a half daze, flitting between dreams and reality.

On the outside the usher could wait no longer. He fiddled with the golden nametag reading ‘Greg’ pinned on the left breast anxiously. The second round of the TOA was due to start in 10 minutes yet Mr. Francis hadn’t made an appearance. The man was going to be ‘time poor’ in preparation and set up. Plus, Greg didn’t like any of the participants. He didn’t like the way servants were invisible unless needed – the way they were treated as if they were all bothersome little things. Now was just a typical example. This John Francis must’ve been deliberately ignoring him. He knew he had rapped hard enough on the door to be heard two rooms down the hall. He’d had enough. I don’t care what he’s doing in there; I’m not going to me blamed for his delay.

Greg slipped out the master keycard most workers had. Hesitating just a moment before swiping his pass he inhaled in anticipation and swiftly opened the door. The condition of the room was appalling. It was clear Francis had had cleaners sent away yet made no effort on his part to live sanitarily. Fast food wrappers smattered the floor here and there, dirty bottles of soda and beer stood on the desk and the dwelling had a thick musty air about. On the bed was Francis himself, although oddly enough still dressed in a full white suit. The headphones looked appropriate in such a peculiar scene. A faint buzz from them could be heard walked over and stood beside the still body. Listening to music - no wonder the idiot couldn’t hear me. Glancing to the chest furthest away he noticed a pack of Varnixian, the common painkiller. John Francis’ breathing was steady. At least he wasn’t dead from possible overdosing. Greg gently shook the sleeping man’s shoulder.

John opened his eyes and gave a start. A young man, barely past being a teenager, was peering at him inquiringly. He looked at the fellow’s clothes: a smart silk robe with logo on the right breast. The TOA logo. On the left breast was a name label. Hurriedly he grabbed the headphones off like an embarrassed child.

“Please follow me to the allocated holodeck for a prompt start to your second round match, sir.”

A foolish thing to forget! The TOA battle against that shy woman…Jade, something. “The match, yes, a moment if you would.”

“Please hurry, it is scheduled to begin in just over five minutes.”

“Oh, of course. Right away. So, Greg, I’m sure you can’t help but think I’m some kind of slob. Let me tell you that that is far from the truth. It isn’t me, really. And I trust you’ll keep this private? After I win this competition I won’t forget to reward you for your trouble.”

John smiled at this comparative boy, possibly showing too many teeth in the process. Greg nodded politely in return and walked out, intentionally leaving the door open. Facing the mirror above the desk, John straightened out creases here and there on his jacket and combed his hair into his usual parting. It wasn’t worth spending any longer mopping down a few loose strands obstinately sticking up.

The pair made their way towards the holodeck in silence. The reasons to both men were obvious. It could be said the two passed a simultaneous sigh of relief when they reached their destination and separated. John didn’t need to be prompted; he briskly walked over to the aide and eagerly allowed himself to be wired up. While being connected John was unable to contain his nerves and started to fidget. He was the one who arrived late. He had foregone any advantage and for what? Now wasn’t the time to think about it. Currently, focus and determination were required for the battle ahead. Shutting his eyes he thought of nothing but Veldrin.

The moon cast eerie shadows of nearby mountains across the open land ahead, perhaps making the spot more foreboding than in truth. Veldrin had been walking for a good four hours before his last break where he got a chance to eat a meal of cheese and dry bread. His journey had been particularly peaceful and strangely devoid of danger. Naturally, there was still a long way to go even though he’d covered a great distance already. Then again, the few villagers who knew the old tales claimed the mythical Caemyron would be well guarded and lay in a treacherous crevasse far higher up than he was at the moment, where the temperature fell so much no life could survive. Hopefully there would be some excitement yet on this quest. For now though, some rest was in order for an energetic start at first light the next day.

From the elevated position Veldrin held, he managed to spy a forest situated in a valley not too distant. A kilometer, kilometer and half would be all. Recklessly jumping off the erratic boulder the elf hurriedly made the course towards the woodland, keen to get some sleep. He swung the water casket round from his side and swallowed a mouthful. It felt cool and refreshing in the humidity.

Eventually he reached the open plan he had spotted a little earlier and stood in curiosity at what lay before his eyes. There were scarce but a few rocks scattered over the region and this local mountaintop was flatter than most, with uncultivated grass exploiting any cracks in the stone. Nevertheless, the most unusual feature was the female human seemingly stretching herself. A female flexing her muscles at night time. It just seemed so out of place; there had to be a trick.

Veldrin’s slight fatigue was gone and he studied the woman with new found zeal but kept himself half hidden behind a small boulder. A Guardian of the mountains? A fellow searcher for Caemyron? A bounty hunter? The human was wearing no armor but there was no mistaking the array of weapons stashed on her. Not only that, her outfit hinted at an anachronism. She looked too feeble to wield the two handed Caemyron but the value of such a sword was unquestionably vast. Kings around the world would bid and kill for such an artifact and how powerful it would be in his hands – the rightful Duke of Cauthion! Concluding she had to be a guardian or a bounty hunter, at the same time wary a hasty action could plague his conscience forever. Peculiarly, he sensed she was hostile. It was a gut feeling the dark elf could not explain. Giving her a wide berth would be best.

He brought his bow forward and fired a signal arrow just yards from her. He called out: “Greetings, stranger. Pray tell, what is your purpose here?”

[Toph Bei Fong]

Victoria heard the thwip of an arrow landing just yards from her. She looked at the direction of whence it came. A dark elf came into her line of vision and she merely raised a brow at this new development.

“Greetings, stranger. Pray tell, what is your purpose here?” she heard him say.

Who the hell is this guy? Doesn't he even have the slightest clue of what's going on?

She completed her stretches and gave a sigh as she waved to him. She cleared her throat before she spoke.

“My purpose is to fight. To fight in an ongoing tournament.” she grinned peacefully and walked closer to his area. It seemed as if she wanted nothing but fairness and benevolence in this fight. Though when her eyes locked onto his, it was as though they lost their glisten and turned a crimson red.

“And my next opponent... is you!” she pointed her right hand's index to him. She manipulated the muscles in her hands, causing her nails to transform into sharp claws, and for certain veins to become slightly more visible.

“I have to apologize before hand... I did not think I would be fighting against my favorite race of people. It almost saddens me that we had to meet in this predicament, because your life is about to end on this day. My heart cries for you, that it does.”

She leaned down-wind, gripping her feet on the ground. She dashed quickly to him and as she neared his body, a flash of lightning burst around the area, and when it faded away, their backs were facing each other. She retracted her claws and withdrew her sword, because she knew that he wouldn't fall with that single attack to his chest, whether it landed or not.

[Autumn]

Immediately the woman spun her head to where he was. He now noticed the black headband typing her hair into a ponytail. She would have been described as pretty by a good number of men. The dark elf’s sharp vision didn’t fail to notice a momentary frown cross her face before becoming relaxed again. Veldrin remained standing motionless in as much a casual manner as possible. The woman had finished her stretches and waved to him. He didn’t like that and he certainly didn’t like her casual saunter towards him as if she was superior. He was about to demand an answer when she replied:

“My purpose is to fight. To fight in an ongoing tournament.” That much was already clear from what she carried. Yet here I stand whilst time flows idly by! He hated making poor use of time. But she continued on: “And my next opponent... is you!” That’s it then. Confrontation has been decided for me. How pathetic that she points a finger for emphasis.

He shouldn’t have blinked for in the time it took the raised hand had mutated. Blades where nails should’ve been and grotesquely bulging veins appeared before him. Veldrin felt anger swell inside at letting anyone get so close to him.

“I have to apologize before hand... I did not think I would be fighting against my favorite race of people. It almost saddens me that we had to meet in this predicament, because your life is about to end on this day. My heart cries for you, that it does.”

Veldrin’s sword hand moved straight to the hilt of his revered long blade, Drakor, while the other tossed the longbow to the side. This female moved fast. Faster than Veldrin expected she would be capable of. The distinctive scrape of weapon against sheath comforted him. The sword was a drawn a good hand span when lightning flared all around him. The intense flash of light stung those elf eyes that had accustomed themselves to the dark. Even so he could sense her approach. He felt the pressure of those claws on his chest and instinctively flinched backwards but it wasn’t enough. The cold metal cut through the leather armour though barely wounding the skin below. Where the metal had been only a slight burning sensation remained, although his pride burned more than anything else.

Veldrin carefully craned his neck to the left in order to peripherally eye the woman waiting a few feet from him. The lightning was gone as quickly as it had come, surrounding everything in darkness once more. His eyes still stung. Focusing himself, Veldrin began to channel energy into Drakor. The process iced his marrow yet the flow was seductive in a strange way urging him on. The dark elf dared only channel for a mere few seconds, he couldn’t risk more time he was left open to attack and certainly not for a second time. Reluctantly Veldrin cut off the flow.

Pivoting gracefully around on the ball of his left foot he kicked himself towards his victim keeping the sword held back. The maneuver would be a simple one aimed to slash the opponent’s torso from the lower right to the upper left. Hanging in the air he threw the right side of his body forward transferring all momentum to Drakor. The weapon sliced through the air, singing all the while.

[LocoColt04]

post001 - Raine Ikazuchi
Again with the character interaction. I can't and won't hold it against you though, because your intro was written prior to the judgment of the first round's fights. Besides, it's just an intro anyway. (Which, for the record, looks pretty sharp this time around.)


post002 - Winter
Ditto on the intro. Strong writing, good placement. I liked the idea of the signal arrow. Creative way to snag attention, and much better than just screaming or something.


post003 - Raine Ikazuchi
FROM whence. Sorry. That got on my nerves.

Victoria's quite the cocky one, isn't she? I like the thought process here. But, since there are only two posts with which to compare in this fight, I'll have to be more thorough with both of you.

Though when her eyes locked onto his, it was as though they lost their glisten and turned a crimson red.

So... did they, or didn't they? I mean, obviously they do because I know your character, but what about someone who doesn't? If it only seems like they're changing color, are they really changing color?

She dashed quickly to him and as she neared his body, a flash of lightning burst around the area, and when it faded away, their backs were facing each other.

Long sentence. Now, I assume the lightning refers to your speed? Or would that be actual weather? Despite there not being a cloud in the sky, we'll assume it's weather.

She retracted her claws and withdrew her sword, because she knew that he wouldn't fall with that single attack to his chest, whether it landed or not.

This is even more confusing. Are you attacking quickly with the claws and then withdrawing the sword, or retracting the claws and attacking with the sword? You should make your attack phases a bit clearer, rather than just one sentence at the end of the post. You never actually specify whether you attacked during that flash of lightning, and this sentence doesn't signify any sort of attack at all.


post004 - Winter

He felt the pressure of those claws on his chest and instinctively flinched backwards but it wasn’t enough. The cold metal cut through the leather armour though barely wounding the skin below.

Be honest. Was that your interpretation of the attack, or did you have to ask for clarification? Nevertheless, you played it off well. There's a bit more lead-in on your post than usual to catch up to where Victoria's attack left off, but that's what happens when there's dialogue.

The dark elf dared only channel for a mere few seconds, he couldn’t risk more time he was left open to attack and certainly not for a second time.

You get just a little bit wordy here, slowing down the sense of urgency that you'd set up in the beginning of the paragraph. You speak of quick things and urges, and then bottleneck yourself a bit. -9126435 points for post flow disruption.

The maneuver would be a simple one aimed to slash the opponent’s torso from the lower right to the upper left.

This is exactly what's needed. The entire paragraph is the attack phase, but that sentence alone describes exactly how the attack will affect your opponent.



There's not much to go on here, and that's a sad thing. The two of you could have provided us with much entertainment had the fight gone more than two battle posts. Nevertheless, we can't expect everyone to be at the peak of activity every single round. In that regard, I'll quit wasting your time and get to the point.


Raine Ikazuchi: A definite improvement over your first round; it's a shame the fight stopped after only two posts. I'm starting to see the RPBer that I used to see in you, back in the day -- but with greater writing skills. I think you're still a bit caught up in the RP mindset for this, but I can see how the tournament is breaking you out of it.

Winter: Overall, a very solid performance. You were clear and concise, while being descriptive at the same time. Occasional interruptions came from bottlenecking, like the example above, but posts were otherwise clean. (Ex: "mere few seconds") Nicely written.


Victor: Winter

Jay, the next round should have you right back on track. Keep in mind what I said... RP mindset. Keep shaking it off. It's not that there's too much description or too much dialogue, but there's not enough action. The attack phase is the most important part of an RPB post. Capitalize on that knowledge.