EarthBound 2

[2ndPower]

"Bloody Hell!" thought Karl as he ran for cover in some old building where a bunch of people were having some sort of meeting. Everything had happened so fast.

He had driven into town with the sole purpose of getting some groceries, when he had ran into a mob of blue skinned people blocking the road. Probably some sort of cult. He had waited for ten minutes for the police to show up and clear them out, but it appeared the policemen were a part of this cult too. Then the mob turned violent, banging on his car, trying to open the doors. He drove into a parking lot, then got out of his car. The streets were clogged with those people, and he would get farther on foot. Sensing a bit of danger, obviously, he looked around for weapons. All he had in sight was his electric guitar, and a set of golf clubs belonging to his ex-girlfriend. Those clubs were her pride and joy, she'd be incredibly pissed if anything had happened to them.

Karl looked down at the driver in his hand. It was bent in three places from where he had smacked those people with it. He had brought the driver and the 9-iron as weapons, and had strapped his guitar to his back so it wouldn't get stolen. The mob seemed to be consistently growing larger, and it had cut off both his route to the grocery store, and the route back to his car. Hence why he was running into this building. As he ran, he read the sign: "Procrastinator's convention: Postponed." Good. That meant that there would be few people in the building. He ran inside.

The door was unlocked, but the place was not uninhabited, as he had hoped. There were three of the blue-skinned freaks fighting with some fat kid in a weird costume. It was obvious that he needed some help. Karl, being the benevolent and gentle person that he was, and having the irresistable urge to hit someone in the head with his golf clubs, walked up behind the three freaks and swung his clubs wildly. One went down, and stayed down, the other two recieved only glancing blows, and turned to face Karl.
"Not good." he said.
He swung the 9-iron, hitting one of them in the eyes. That one staggered back. The other tackled Karl, and sent him crashing into a table full of food. His clubs were knocked from his grasp. The man who had tackled him attempted to get his hands around Karl's throat, to strangle him. Karl fended him off with one arm, and used the other to reach behind him, to find some sort of weapon. He grabbed the first thing he felt, and swung with all his might. The pie hit the man fully in the face. The man fell down, and the blue color of his skin faded. It appeared he was back to normal. The other, however, was still active. He advanced towards Karl, a malicious sneer on his face. Karl reached behind him, and held his guitar at the ready.
"Have no fear!!" he heard someone shout. "The Great Nuclear Buttman is here to save you!!!" It was the kid in the stupid costume. The kid pulled down his pants and mooned the blue man, and a beam of heat shot from his butt. It contacted the blue man, who started going spastic, then fell and returned to his normal color. The fat kid then pulled up his pants, threw a smoke bomb, then got stuck trying to climb out the window. Karl, once again feeling generous, walked up and kicked him until he was free.

It appeared that this place was not safe either. The blue people were now kicking down the door. It appeared that none of them had thought to check if it was locked first. So Karl leaped out the window, into an alley, where he climbed a fire escape up to the roof of a neighboring building. Perhaps he could get a better view of things from there. It was hard climbing with the golf clubs in hand, but he managed. He got to the top, and surveyed things. There! Assuming he could get back to his car, he could simply drive out of town, there was an area of street that was not blocked by any of the blue-skinned folk. But still, was that what he really wanted? He couldn't just leave all these people to suffer. The blue-skinned madness had to be caused by something. And it was kind of fun to hit people with golf clubs. He searched for an answer, something he could do to save these people.

[Elf]

“Another day, another disaster,” Zhi said to himself as he looked down upon the small town below. From atop the hill, he could tell that everything was not normal. “I should probably go see what’s going on, but I really don’t want to. Besides, I have to perfect this new yo-yo trick. I don’t know how they can call it walk-the-dog when it doesn’t have legs.” As he was practicing the new trick, a crazed crow swooped at him. Fortunately, Zhi was able to duck in time to avoid the attack. “I knew I shouldn’t have brought that cookie,” he thought as his eyes began to shimmer. As the crow turned to make another dive, a sudden gust hit the bird and caused it to fall into a nearby bush. “PSI Gust, so useful,” Zhi said to himself as he headed towards the bush. The crow seemed to be tamer than before, and there was a present. Zhi opened the present and found a cookie. He picked up the cookie and ate it, making him feel somewhat rejuvenated.

The wind began to pickup as Zhi returned his stare towards the town. After much debate, he decided that he would check out what was going on. As he approached the town, he could get a better idea of what was going on. He noticed that the town was being rampaged by a cult of blue people. There were so many blue people that he had to check to make sure he wasn’t in the ocean. He tried to dive, but the ground abruptly stopped his progress. After being dazed for a minute, Zhi saw a guy swinging golf clubs at the blue men. He wondered if one of the clubs was a 9-iron, as the 9-iron is the most commonly used golf club in non-golf situations. He then saw the guy run into a building. Zhi decided that he needed to help, and he ran towards the town.

“Hiyakimayi!!!” Zhi screamed as he jumped into a group of four blue men, flailing his yo-yo in every direction. He managed to kick one of them in the face, knocking him out cold while the yo-yo smacked two of the others, temporarily stunning him. The fourth guy looked at Zhi and whistled. Zhi turned around and saw about 12 more blue men coming towards him. “I didn’t think this one out,” Zhi said to himself as his eyes began to shine. Suddenly, he was slapped in the back by a blue guy, breaking his concentration. He realized that he couldn’t fight them all at once, at least not with just a yo-yo. Zhi quickly looked left and saw a ladder coming out of a nearby building window. He jumped on to the ladder and climbed as fast as he could. When he reached the top, he climbed through the window and looked back down to see the blue men trying to climb after him. Zhi pushed the ladder off the window and slammed the window shut.

Zhi looked around and noticed that he was in a bathroom. It was a typical bathroom with a toilet, shower, mirror, and basket full of magazines such as Typos-in-Gov’t and Squirrels Gone Wild. The door leading out was closed, but slightly cracked open. Zhi peaked out the door and saw a strange statue with three blue guys and one somewhat larger purple guy. He tried to listen to their conversation, but he could hardly hear what they were saying. He assumed that the purple man was the one in charge of this chaos. Suddenly, one of the blue guys was heading towards him, holding his crotch like he really had to go. Zhi grabbed a Squirrels Gone Wild magazine and hid behind the shower curtain. The blue man came in and began to do his business, unaware that Zhi was behind the curtain. Zhi was about to ambush the guy, but then he realized that if he did attack, the other guys would swarm him and he wouldn’t have a chance. Quietly Zhi sat crouched down in the shower and waited for an opportunity to escape.

[2ndPower]

Karl heard a noise off to his right. He ran over to go see what it was, and caught a brief glimpse of some guy pushing down a ladder leading up to a window, and shutting the window. Karl considered helping him. It would be a good way to make friends, and Karl sorely needed friends. He pondered on the wonders of friendship for a little while, but then he farted, and that made him lose his concentration. In any case, he felt that he should go help. Even if he didn't reach that person, he'd still have the chance to hit some more people with his ex's golf clubs. And no matter how you looked at it, hitting people with golf clubs was fun. Karl thought that it might just become his new hobby.

All the doors into the building that the other person had entered seemed to be locked, except for the front door, but that door was under a ladder, and Karl didn't want to walk under it. So he went out back and knocked out a window. Before he stepped in, he realized that he was being heroic, in his point of view, anyways, and that he should make some heroic proclamation. Rearing his head back, he shouted out the first thing that came to his mind: "IF ANY OF YOU TOUCH MY CAR, I'LL UNLEASH THE INFERNAL WRATH OF HELL UPON YOU!!!" Satisfied, he stepped inside, into a room that seemed to be in an alternate reality. All the furniture was on the ceiling, random ghosts were floating around, and the room was filled with some sort of bouyant, nebulous ooze. A little confused, Karl swam through it until he reached the door to the hall, where all his questions were answered as he read what was on it. "Ah, the Manager's Office." He said. At least he was out of there. He ran down the hall until he came up on his first blue skinned nemesis. Swinging the golf club, he ran past the thing without even stopping. He heard a thump and assumed that it had been knocked out, but he wanted to get to the other person first. That lucky guy was probably attracting all sorts of these freaks to smack around, and Karl did not want to miss out on any of it.

Well, this looked fun. He had rushed up the stairs, looking around at random for the other guy, when he came upon two blue-skinned guys and a purple skinned person that was slightly larger than the blues. Unfortunately for Karl, they saw him too. The purple guy flicked his fingers at Karl, and suddenly, there were more of the blue folk. When Karl had the time, he was really going to need something else to call them. Now, though, he had better things to be doing. Concentrating, focusing, Karl called up his fledging psychic powers, and the closest few blue folk involuntarily convulsed, then rolled up into large beach ball sized balls. Good old PSI Bind. A neat party trick too. Rushing up, Karl kicked the Blue Balls into the rest of the small mob, knocking down several, causing their color to return to normal. Holding the golf clubs to the side, Karl started spinnning around. The rest of the mob just ducked, and eventually, Karl got dizzy and stopped, leaving himself open for a counter attack. The mob rushed him, forcing him back. He took a few hits before he finally regained himself. He rushed into the kitchen to escape. The mob followed him. Karl had to think fast. There was a bucket of dirty water nearby. He spilled it on the floor, then looked around for the next component of his trap... ah! There it was! He grabbed the microwave and hit it a few times breaking it open, then threw it in the water, frying those who stood on it. The rest of the mob kept coming single-mindedly, and they all were fried in the water. When the last one's color returned to normal, Karl unplugged the microwave, and leaped back into the hall, where he confronted the purple guy. "It's just you and me now, Mr. Tingles!" He yelled.

[Elf]

After waiting in the shower for a couple minutes, Zhi began to hear a disruption in the other room. Listening more closely, he heard the sounds of thuds and duds, as if there was a giant battle going on. Suddenly, the blue man on the throne said, “Sigh, I wish I could get in on that. Why must I take this bodacious dump?” Zhi realized that it would get unpleasant fast, so he jumped out of the shower, surprising the blue man.

“Don’t worry, I got your action right here!” Zhi picked up the rack of magazines and threw it at the blue man, knocking him out. “Take that Petunia Breath!” As he headed for the door, he heard from the other room, “It's just you and me now, Mr. Tingles!" Zhi said to himself, “Looks like it’s time to put the hurt on someone.” Then, he heard a very unpleasant sound from behind him. Knowing that the smell would be horrific, Zhi concentrated hard and PSI Gusted the smell back at Petunia Breath. He then left the bathroom with his yo-yo and the Squirrels Gone Wild magazine in hand.

“Need a little help?” Zhi asked as he saw Karl standing on the opposite side of the big purple guy. Zhi flicked his yo-yo towards the purple guy. The purple man was ready, however, and back-handed the yo-yo like a red-headed step child, breaking the string and sending the yo-yo through the window, right into Mr. Iwanaponu’s brand new 2009 Lexis. Zhi was in shock as he stared at the remains of his yo-yo string. A tear began to form in his eye. The yo-yo and he had been through a lot since he first got it three hours ago, and the loss of it was tremendously harmful to Zhi’s psyche. He was planning on taking it out to dinner tonight at Zippy’s Palace of Food and Food-Flavored Metals, but now, it was all just a long, lost dream.

As Zhi returned to reality, he was hit squarely in the face with a giant hunk of wood. Dazed, Zhi said, “Remember the Alamoke!” and fainted.

[2ndPower]

Wonderful! Karl was all happy to finally have some help, but then said help fainted. Was this really the person he had come in here to save? Probably, and it appeared to be a good thing he did. This purple guy seemed to be unnaturally strong. Karl had been hammering him with both golf clubs to no visible effect. This purple guy was no ordinary contender. He was... an extraordinary contender. Karl would have thought of something better to think of, but he was a little busy now. The purple guy swung his hunk of wood, which Karl ducked under, then retaliated with a kick to the shins. The purple one, apparantly not feeling the effects of that kick, lunged after Karl, who was backpedalling rapidly to get away. Karl leaped to the side, and the purple guy ran headfirst into the wall. Karl tried a PSI Bind attack on him, but he seemed to be immune. "Great." Karl muttered. It was his ace in the hole, that PSI Bind, he had spent years meditating in the sacred compost pile in his parent's backyard to learn it, and it had always gotten him out of trouble before. Why not now? Karl, angry now, let out a ferocious growl as the purple man pulled his head out of the wall. Karl leaped forward and swung the nine-iron wildly, catching the purple man in the neck. The purple freak caught Karl in a bearhug, squeezing the breath out of him, but he reached up and grabbed the head of the nine-iron and wrapped it around the purple freak's neck, choking him. There was a bit of a standoff, the purple freak crushing Karl's stomach and not allowing him to draw breath, Karl doing his best to keep the golf club tight around the purple freak's neck. As Karl started to black out, the purple man's grip loosened, and Karl was able to kick his way free. The nine-iron was still wrapped around the other man's neck, so Karl reached behind him and grabbed his guitar, then swung it up into the purple man's groin. The purple man bent over, clutching himself, and Karl spun into a back crescent kick, catching the purple man in the temple. The man fell down, and the purple color of his skin faded.

The nine-iron was a mess, Karl could no longer use it as a weapon. His ex would not be happy. Karl didn't care. Strapping his guitar to his back again, Karl walked over to the unconcious one. He tried every way he could think of to wake him up. He tried throwing water in his face, he tried shaking him, he even tried bringing him back into the bathroom with that horrendous stench in it. Nothing worked, but Karl couldn't leave him there. He lifted the other person up onto his shoulders, and started walking out of the building. If he could get to his car, they could possibly get out of town. And the sooner they were out of town, the sooner Karl could get to a strip bar.

[Elf]

During his faintedness, Zhi had a dream. Not a Martin Luther King type of dream, but a dream none-the-less. It was a dark and stormy night, and thunder was striking down everybody outside. Fortunately, Zhi was in a bar schooling everybody at the dart board. He was getting more bulls-eyes than even the best matadors. After 3 hours of dominating the competition, Zhi was approached by a beautiful lady. She had blonde hair, though it was obviously dyed as she was smarter than most girls Zhi had met, blue eyes, and was strong, yet sexy at the same time. He believed that he had met the perfect woman. Zhi asked, "Would you like to go to the dance with me?" and she responded, "I'll carry you there right now!" The woman lifted Zhi up and started to carry him out. Although the situations seemed embarrassing, it felt somehow right to Zhi, and he held on tight to his carrier. "Oh, you are soooooo wonderful!" he said as he began to kiss the side of her neck....

SMACK!!!!!

Zhi suddenly awoke from his dream, his whole body drenched in pain. Although nothing was broken, he felt as if he had just dropped flat onto the ground from about six feet in the air. Zhi looked up somewhat dazed and saw the guy angrily wiping his hand around the side of his neck. "That's odd..." thought Zhi. At that moment, Zhi remembered the dream that he just had. Slowly, he put two and two together. Unfortunately, he got five, but he also realized that he had kissed the guy, not the perfect chick from his dream. Zhi quickly grabbed his sleeve and wiped the "germs" out of his mouth. Completely ashamed and grossed out, Zhi apologizes profusely to him, though it doesn't appear to be making the situation better. He then began to remember the purple man, and he began to wonder what happened to him, and why was he being carried by this dude anyway? Zhi stared at the guy for a second and asked the most important question ever: "Are you that guy from the Mountain Dew commercials?"