Chez Daja's life. Oh my god, this ought'a have something to laugh at XD...

[Chez Daja]

This month has gone so fast. Damn just thinking about all the events that it's passed and whatever. I don't even know what to say. On the 1st, I was my mothers birthday. (And damn, I don't even wanna talk about that)... on the 9th on January, I began being harrassed again by a certain somebody... *cough cough, ex boyfriend, cough*... ok, so it's hard. He's the one that ruined everything good about me. Everybody keeps telling me "ok, you can stop about him now", yeah I know I can seriously, he broke me so many times. I was just as stupid to go back that one time. You dont know how hard it is to be abused so many times though. I'm a much different person to the Chez before. (Which I'm still figuring out is good or bad)... So imagine it. Your a girl -- who isnt really as normal as others because of her strange taste -- your not as girly as other girls, your kinda a tomboy. You get mixed up with somebody you used to fight with coz you were both leaders and you clashed. One day he tells you he loves you. Your shocked and you tell him to stop joking around, he replies with "this is no joke" ... what do you think? Well, that girl thought (I don't like this guy, but I'll give a friendship a chance if that what he wants). I talked to him about it. We decided to be friends. Couple of weeks later and we're real friendly he asks me out. I tell him it's still too early. He gets pissed off. Starts blaming shit on my other friend who he knows. Lashed out at us both. Week after that he asks again. I tell him again we should just be friends. What does he do? Gets all sad. Plays the "Look-at-me-I'm-so-unhappy-please-feel-sorry-for-me" card. And hell, I fell for it. I looked after him. He asked me the week after and I reluctantly accepted. I was very uncomfortable at first. I don't think at the time its what I wanted, but I felt comdemned to just let it relax, maybe something would happen. He was clingy. Very clingy. We never talked about important matters. All he wanted to do was kiss me. I wasnt bothered by it, but he would just say "k" whenever I tried to strike up a conversation on something like politics and religion. He knew I had strong views on both and so did he. Our intellects was what fuelled us -- the way our minds seemed to become connected -- but at the same time it made us fall distant toward one and another because we would argue about it. I didnt want a full-blown arguement, I wanted a debate. I wanted to agree to disagree, but he would never allow it. He became too loving. It made me uncomfortable and I left the relationship. He didnt do anything. He just began to cry. He said he was crying tears of blood - whether or not that's possible is beyond me, but it made me feel bad nonetheless. He went away for a long time. As time progressed, I began to feel depressed about what I had done. I cried some too. Hell I was crying, and he was somewhere crying. I texted him the next day telling him I was sorry. He texted me back asking if we could get through it as a couple and I agreed. Things were so great. We were happy together, we even began to talk more. Until he found somebody he liked more. Ok, not more. But he split with me coz he said he needed time to "figure out who he loved" which was stupid because it's an impossiblity to love two people at once. After a while we got back together. Was happy for a while -- then on the 17th of July he admitted to cheating. I dragged it out of him and as I did, I became weaker and weaker. I spent months crying. I lost my voice. I began to become physically unhealthy as I wouldnt eat whatsoever. I wouldnt even take vitamins. I felt sick constantly. I would try to sleep my days away. It worked for a while. Until I began sitting up all night, wondering was I did wrong. What possessed him to cheat? Was it me? Did I make him so unhappy that he had to go be with somebody else? I got more and more depressed as the days went on. A couple of weeks later he came to me crying. He told me how stupid he had been and that he wanted me back. I was happy, but I didnt get back with him. I couldnt trust him again after that. Why should I? All in our relationship he had abused me and been really mean to me. All he could think of was "who can I ***** next?" I regret that I ever met him all those years ago. Maybe if I had just blocked and deleted him for good none of this shit would've happened... I began to get healthy again -though my eating still wasnt back to normal. I wasnt sleeping days away. I got happier. Then he did all of that again. I didnt really care at the time as I was still trying to get back on my feet. Inside I was breaking down again. Why did I always fall for such lies? I know now why. It was because I loved him so much I wanted to deny the truth... Then a few months passed. More unhappiness, but he kept flirting with me. He liked to try and play me. He couldnt. I blocked him and deleted him for good. It was hard but I managed it. I becgan talking to one of his ex girlfriends and we hit it off really well... Until she said she loved me. I still havethe email, but I dont want to embarrass her so I'm not pasting it here. . Anyway, things began to get better. I saw this place. Joined, and met loads of really nice people. I became friendly with a couple of them -- and realised that they're -are- actually guys on earth who don't just think of screwing you over. I liked one guy in particular. Dante. -- and to cut a long story short, he liked me too. I was forgetting about my ex boyfriend more day by day. So here I am today, ex-free and now with a great guy... writing this journal to give you a small look at what it's like to be me... But for now I'm too tired to write anymore. So for now...

[Chez Daja]

This week was tipically the same as any other week. Went around looking for possible jobs and colleges which I could apply for. I'm so desperate to get into the epsom art and design college... But I also have other interests as well and dont really want to attend multiple colleges as I'm not making enough money to afford transportation. I want to study art, mechanics and drama. I'm good at all three of the subjects -- and am not really good at much else. I'm so bummed that I can't find good work in my area. There's nowhere to work around here except for the newsagents, and I am not going to become some paper-round kid, or Asda, but that is where my mother and sister work and I dont want to be in the same working enviroment as them. I wanted to a start a job at the library, but it's really fussy having to get to where it is. I'd have to walk an hour and a half everyday. I mean, good excersize and all, but I'd really prefer not having to go out hours before job starts. I love books and working in a place where there is lots of literature would be an excellent choice -- until I graduate from college, when hopefully I'll have something more interesting in store. I would also like to visit sick people and look after children. I have an unusual gift with children and have studied phsycology so I know pretty much how to describe mental illnesses. For example, the route to spotting somebody with for example, multiple-identity-syndrome. I believe I am hardworking and share credit with my collegues. I always try my best to help out, and would basically, in the long-run love any type of job that involved phsycology, child support, hospice work, or on a totally different level, mechanics or art. I am creative but can often never get "out there" enough to express myself and my work to the world. I hope someday I can achieve this, as I feel everybody can make a difference to the world if they try hard enough.
...wow, that sounded a lot of like an over-thought CV... hehe. Oh well. I guess I could write something next week. I have my thinking head on at the moment...^_^.

[Chez Daja]

I'm waiting to receive a letter from my friend, Hayley. We've been friends for a while and met in this place where Home Educated kids write to one another. Basically, we're both getting too old for school, but decided to keep writing to each other. I hope we dont lose contact like most penpals do as they grow older. I find that I have more friends on the internet then I do through letters anymore, which is surprisngly because I used to write to tens of people. I met my ex boyfriend through that place as well, as he is -- seemingly, not going to be getting a job or going to college as he is too lazy to get off his ass and look for a place to be. Basically, I'm glad I stopped hanging out with him. It's been almost a month since I started avoiding him on a regular basis and now I havent heard a word from him. I'm glad. I dont need him -- all he could think about was flirting with me and he should've realised that he can't use me like that, particularly when I'm with somebody right now whom I love very much and will only let the person I'm with look at me. Any others who try, usually end up with their teeth in their hands or something. Life is looking up a lot. Last year was so depressing that I tried many times to end my life, and so now it has become my objective to be happy -- and too make my great boyfriend and my friends happy too. And if they show the slightest hint of unhappiness, then I decide that it's my job to help out. Anyway, lately I've been wondering about life. I remember going through a very difficult career stage, wondering where to apply to for jobs. I'm particularly good at public speaking and so I was thinking maybe my first job could have something that involoved having a lot of people skills. Believe it or not, I'm great at drawing atenttion. I shouldnt be, I guess, as I've spent most of my life locked away from the world and isolated in this raving pit I call home... Sometimes I wonder whats going to happen to my family. My parents are getting on a little better since dad started working away, coz when he comes back they dont argue. That's a good thing coz they usually fight a lot. And I'm getting on a little better with my brother, like for example, communicating with him a lot more... I guess thats a good thing too as I always got the blame for when he did something wrong coz my mom always thought he was getting his bad side from me. Hm... Anyway... It's 1am and I'm waiting for mom to get in. She works til real late at night -- major advantage for Chezzi... I geta lot of net time now coz sis has a job... but meh, whatever. I'm'a go post elsewhere in this forum ^_^... night!

[Chez Daja]

12/2/05
I'm tired today. Really tired. Basically because I was up til like 3am last night. Or something like that, I don't even remember now. My painkillers made me hillucinate, so I kept imaging these shadows, and then these images got violent and too much for me to handle in my sleepy state. So here I am, tired, bored shitless and hoping my family will go away for a while. Listening to KoRn and Megadeth. Nothing -completely- new though. I'm getting ill. Not in literal. Just, in my mind. My mind grows tired. I need something new to grasp in life. It's quite lonely for me. Sure, I've got my family. I have no real life friends though. No buddies that can come over so we can hang out. Stan called me up yesterday and that was nice coz we usually talk for hours, but sometimes I get so depressed that I can't hang with my friends. I used to have two real life friends. Dan, whom I havent seen in about two years. And Syn, wose sick lately and we havent seen each other since about November last year. I guess my life is pretty much a massive routine that starts again every time I wake up. Hoping to go up North next year to meet my boyfriend. Looking forward to that, but I still need to rent or lend a motorbike. I'm now yawning real loads. I mean, my jaw is killing me coz I sprain it a lot. And my throat inside is burning like ****! Need juice... Havent seen my boyfriend in MSN today, so I'm feeling completely down about that. I think I was made to be alone or something... I wouldnt know, but I hope not. Anyway. I should probably stop here coz I'm getting bored of venting uninteresting details about myself to people that probably dont even care... ^_^;;;......... maybe write something tomorrow.

[Chez Daja]

13/2/05
Well, it's been another average day. Today, my MSN wouldnt let me sign in, so I had to d/l MSN 7, which was a drag, but hey... Dantes' MSN is having problems now, so I really miss talking to him through there.
I'm looking into getting a third peircing, on my upper ear. I dont know if its a good idea though. I had my ears peirced about eight years ago -- and as I got a little older, I was looking into getting a lip peircing, which I decided not to go through with coz I couldnt afford it to get infected or something. Meh. Anyway, to pass time today, I cruised in my sports cars -- on Need For Speed ... Talking of cars, it's so ironic... Last year, I had to give up my Toyota Previa because it was breaking down and completely dying. Then again, the car was about seven years old -- and had been a company car before I got it about two years ago. Now I have a Mitsubushi Space Wagon, it's a great car -- the heating warms up a lot better then my old car did, so it's nice to be in it wintertime when I'm cruising. Also, it has a better air conditioner. So really, the car is great for all times of the year. The windows in the back wind down, the last car had to be opened by a latch and that sucked completely. Anyway, last year, the fridge broke as well the day I was going to see my auntie and uncle -- so when I got home a week later, I had to replace the fridge XD ... then the TV broke and the recording system for the TV, so we had to get new tv and recorder for that, and then a new dvd player coz the old one was crap. So basically, last year became a bit of a financial struggle... We -- my family and me, got through it and my dads' working away so he's bringing in extra money for the family. Hopefully I'll be moving out next year. A couple of friends tell me to go live in north London with them so we can be "roomies". It's a cool offer and I want to take then up on that, but I find that living with other people (and four of them) might cause me problems and I dont need the stress of moving in with friends, only to be a burden on them. I'm quite surprised at how these past few years have gone. I'm growing up and it's kinda creeping me out. It only seems like a while ago that my little brother was a baby and I was baby-sitting him. Now eleven years have passed and he's big and everything. That scares me as well. I watch my brother and wonder what he will be when he's older. I have the feeling he'll be a dancer or something, because he's great at dancing. I guess my dads' side is good at dance though, that's how I learnt to dance. Even though I dont really like to. I'm good at slow dance for some weird reason, though I dont know if it'll ever be any use to me. Anyway, my sister is even growing up. I'm a little younger then she is, though everyone usually thinks I'm older. We're both growing older -- it's scary. I remember the days we used to do really stupid things, like one time, when I was about 4, and she was about 7, she stuck dusters to our feet and made us both dance on the table... hahaha. We got caught doing that, but it's so funny thinking about it. I think she'd got it from some cartoon where these characters were cleaning the house by sticking dusters to their feet and sliding around on the table XDDDD... the crazy things we do when we're young, eh? Anyway, by the age of twelve, I was into slightly heavy bands and this caused some concern to my mother. By my thirteenth birthday, I was cross-dressing and had boyish traits. I even cut my hair short and started to pretend I was a guy. I know people will probably think I'm weird for that, but I've never truely been girly until I started to get older. It's funny, in those days, I knew nothing about make-up. Now I won't go out unless I have eyeliner and lipstick on. Weird. Anyway, yeah, I should probably stop talking coz this is getting really long... and I doubt people will read the whole thing, so it's kind of pointless to write this much... Okies, well I'll write something next week probably...^_^...
Chezzi~

[Chez Daja]

19/2/05
Just another day. Maybe too much like the others, though today I spoke to my lovely boyfriend again on the phone -- so yeah, that's cool ... something about my life seems slightly more worthwhile but I can't put my finger on what exactly. I saw earlier, a thread which made me wonder. I won't say what one though -- it just made me think that ... maybe we arent all just dperessing statistics... we should help our fellow man rather then going against them. Watching a movie right now -- Godsend. Nothing about religion XD ...It's quite haunting. It's good though. That little boy looks sooo sweet and innocent... ickle little eight year old. -- I like kids too much ^_^... I guess, someday I'd like to mother two little boys. I'd love to name my first son Seth -- it's a nice name ^_^... ... Anyway, I guess this week has felt better to me. I feel happier... mentally, physically, spiritually... I dont know... I shoudlr eally try to figure it out. I think that maybe I'm counting everything good in my life. My friends and my amazing boyfriend who I love with all my heart -- everythings' looking up, but I feel that maybe my sub-conscious is dreading that things have the possiblity of going down-hill? :S... I dont know, but I hope things stay level headed and perfectly okay... .
Anyway, dads' been working away again. He goes for five days then comes back for two. I dont know how long this will hang for. I think it must be til at least March, but maybe not. It sucks, I guess. I like to just... stay out of the way of my other family members. Anyway... should go. Laterz ^_^.

[Chez Daja]

20/2/05
Woke up really early -- 7.25am is early for me, so yeah... I didnt sleep so well last night. I woke up with stomach cramps and so I'm sitting on the computer yelling about the pain. Urgh, nobodys' being sympathetic!! *sulks and groans* BE SYMPATHETIC FOR ME!!! *throws tantrum*... anyway, yeah. Just reading about magicks -- if none of you knew I'm in to witchcraft and whatever. So yeah, I light loadsa joss sticks and candles. Joss sticks -- for all of you born in the late 80's to early 90's whom may not know what they are, they are incence sticks that people in the 70's were into. -- I aint that old, mind you . Course, you gotta learn how to light them etc. You gotta get a special holder that prevents the ashes burnt from the stick from setting other shit on fire XD ... and yopu gotta like, blow it out coz the flame stays -inside- the stick instead, which is pretty cool... anyway, yeah, enough about that. Learning more Spanish. I'm not really fluent yet, I've only been learning for about a year. I know a couple of lines here and there, but some of its' just random shit I picked up . Anyway, Rain McCloud posted some KoRn lyrics into the Ultimate Spam Thread yesterday, which was cool, coz I knew most of the lyrics, but he filled in the blanks for me, so if your reading this, Rain, thanks, man. I'm looking into getting broadband recently. Everybody seems to have it but me -- and I disconnect every half an hour - two hours if I'm lucky. It can be really annoying if I'm having an important conversation with a client or if I'm working online -- coz all my history goes down the drain. Anyway, so yeah, I wanna get broadband. Meh, I just want a standard thingy-bob with no complications. I'm not smart enough to fingure out all this shit about "this is a blah da blah blah connection" I'll be like, ok, **** off, I've lost you XD ... Anyway, I should go -- dont wanna be swearing too much, lmao. Peace .

[Chez Daja]

25/1/05
It's almost March... scary when you think about it. I mean, the year is going so fast again! My mother told me that as you get older, yuor life goes faster and faster. That's kinda creepy... Well, I guess it's nothing to be worried over except the fact I'm beginning to feel sort of... useless. I make £40 per month - but really need to get a better job of somekind. I suppose they're not much I can do about that what with my money for transportation being so low each month. I guess you could say lately things are creeping me out really easily. I'm trying to grip onto what's happening here, but... meh, I dunno...
Anyway, I might be going up to Scotland this year - my whole family pretty much need to chill. We've been so hectic for the last five years that we kinda lost control. We had a short break last year in Cornwall for a couple of days, but we had so much to do when we got back - replacing the fridge for a start. Then the car, etc... If we go to Scotland, I'll get to go see Dante when I travel across the country (yay!) so I'm really hoping that will happen. I guess that would be my reason for going up there. Well... I'm going out tomorrow to go look for CD's ... One of KoRn's guitarists left the band lately because he'd apparently "found god" -- but they're next album comes out in September which I'm looking forward to. I just hope they don't split completely. Meh. It's kinda stupid to get upset about a band or whatever, but I dont really have much in my life - if you only knew the half of it. I guess I could put up a chair and tell you, but for now, I'll leave it at this... Maybe some other day.

[Chez Daja]

26/2/05
I just woke up. I'm tired from staying up latelast night - plus I had to get up pretty early yesterday too. It's 11am here, been online for about an hour reading other journals and replying to emails, etc. There's a really religious girl that I email called Hannah Luke and she's been trying to turn me Christian for a while.It's kind of annoying, but I have to go easy on her coz she's a lot younger then me and I dont wanna get the god squad on me O.o ... (that wasnt meant to insult anybody) -- I guess that wasnt very funny ^_^;;....Anyway, I'm listening to a pop song ... O.o, I know, I know your probably thinking "WHAT?!" but I like this one song and it sounds nice - ahh, I'm probably going to be beaten for this ^_^;;;... Anyway, I'm going to tell you a little about my life today. So sit down coz this is going to take a while... I've been thinking about my family lately (moms side is polish, dads is british) - it's weird, I havent met anyone from my moms' side. Apparently, I had, but when I was really young and dont remember them. Uncle Chris died when I was like 2 or something - he was wheelchair bound and he couldnt do anything but blink. He couldnt speak or anything, his entire body just wasnt working ;_; ... I think he had a son with a woman that left him after he began to get ill because he was too much for her to handle. I think thats awful... If I was her, I would have stayed with him -- but I suppose I'm not in the position to go track her down just to give her a slapping for not taking proper care of my uncle. Nope, instead, my mom looked after him. It's like, my dads side (I've met all of his side) - my grandpa died a couple of years ago on the 8th of January. And ever since then, he's been the only one of grandma's kids to look after her. I mean, sure I think Bobby and Jim (my favourite auntie and uncle) try their best too, but they live in Cornwall and grandma lives in Walton - which is like, 5 hours distance or something. Anyway, Bobby smoke a lot and she now has an illness from it -- so she cant walk a long way without getting out of breath. --- She usually sits up and uses her Playstation (yep, my auntie might be getting a little old, but my family are -pretty- eccentric, through you might have guessed...) ... my family are interesting. My moms' side are a bunch of rich snobs whom I hate, my dads side are a bunch of semi-rich snobs whom I dislike. When my moms parents died, she was supposed to get an inheritance of money, but never did because my stupid grandma changed her Will just before she croaked, which was good because my mother was trying desperately to raise three children (I was very young at the time) - she had had her first child when she was 17 with a man whom I dont know but his name was Andy and he lived with my mother for a few years before they seperated for reasons I dont really know. Then my dad came along and they had Amy, five years after meeting, and then they had me a short time after. And Ollie was born just ten years ago. So I've been thinking about my half sister, whome I dont know anymore as she left and didnt come back. Don't you dare call my family careless, my half sister HATED every aspect of my family so therefore, leaving was her choice.
Anyway, that about it for my family right now, I'm too ashamed to talk about them so much. Ashamed that my uncles and auintes are such careless idiots and that I'd rather drink poison then spend a certain amount of time with them. Anyway, as for this week, it's been similar to last week... and the week before... and the week before, ahaha... see the pattern now? I guess I'm venting on things that are a little off-topic, but I guess it might give you a look at what my life is like and what my family are like...
I might tell you some stuff about my upbringing if I can be bothered to type out more lines, but for now, I'm'a go coz I can imagine you people are sleeping at your desks ^_^...
Peace out.