This month has gone so fast. Damn just thinking about all the events that it's passed and whatever. I don't even know what to say. On the 1st, I was my mothers birthday. (And damn, I don't even wanna talk about that
)... on the 9th on January, I began being harrassed again by a certain somebody... *cough cough, ex boyfriend, cough*... ok, so it's hard. He's the one that ruined everything good about me. Everybody keeps telling me "ok, you can stop about him now", yeah I know I can seriously, he broke me so many times. I was just as stupid to go back that one time. You dont know how hard it is to be abused so many times though. I'm a much different person to the Chez before. (Which I'm still figuring out is good or bad)... So imagine it. Your a girl -- who isnt really as normal as others because of her strange taste -- your not as girly as other girls, your kinda a tomboy. You get mixed up with somebody you used to fight with coz you were both leaders and you clashed. One day he tells you he loves you. Your shocked and you tell him to stop joking around, he replies with "this is no joke" ... what do you think? Well, that girl thought (I don't like this guy, but I'll give a friendship a chance if that what he wants). I talked to him about it. We decided to be friends. Couple of weeks later and we're real friendly he asks me out. I tell him it's still too early. He gets pissed off. Starts blaming shit on my other friend who he knows. Lashed out at us both. Week after that he asks again. I tell him again we should just be friends. What does he do? Gets all sad. Plays the "Look-at-me-I'm-so-unhappy-please-feel-sorry-for-me" card. And hell, I fell for it. I looked after him. He asked me the week after and I reluctantly accepted. I was very uncomfortable at first. I don't think at the time its what I wanted, but I felt comdemned to just let it relax, maybe something would happen. He was clingy. Very clingy. We never talked about important matters. All he wanted to do was kiss me. I wasnt bothered by it, but he would just say "k" whenever I tried to strike up a conversation on something like politics and religion. He knew I had strong views on both and so did he. Our intellects was what fuelled us -- the way our minds seemed to become connected -- but at the same time it made us fall distant toward one and another because we would argue about it. I didnt want a full-blown arguement, I wanted a debate. I wanted to agree to disagree, but he would never allow it. He became too loving. It made me uncomfortable and I left the relationship. He didnt do anything. He just began to cry. He said he was crying tears of blood - whether or not that's possible is beyond me, but it made me feel bad nonetheless. He went away for a long time. As time progressed, I began to feel depressed about what I had done. I cried some too. Hell I was crying, and he was somewhere crying. I texted him the next day telling him I was sorry. He texted me back asking if we could get through it as a couple and I agreed. Things were so great. We were happy together, we even began to talk more. Until he found somebody he liked more. Ok, not more. But he split with me coz he said he needed time to "figure out who he loved" which was stupid because it's an impossiblity to love two people at once. After a while we got back together. Was happy for a while -- then on the 17th of July he admitted to cheating. I dragged it out of him and as I did, I became weaker and weaker. I spent months crying. I lost my voice. I began to become physically unhealthy as I wouldnt eat whatsoever. I wouldnt even take vitamins. I felt sick constantly. I would try to sleep my days away. It worked for a while. Until I began sitting up all night, wondering was I did wrong. What possessed him to cheat? Was it me? Did I make him so unhappy that he had to go be with somebody else? I got more and more depressed as the days went on. A couple of weeks later he came to me crying. He told me how stupid he had been and that he wanted me back. I was happy, but I didnt get back with him. I couldnt trust him again after that. Why should I? All in our relationship he had abused me and been really mean to me. All he could think of was "who can I ***** next?" I regret that I ever met him all those years ago. Maybe if I had just blocked and deleted him for good none of this shit would've happened... I began to get healthy again -though my eating still wasnt back to normal. I wasnt sleeping days away. I got happier. Then he did all of that again. I didnt really care at the time as I was still trying to get back on my feet. Inside I was breaking down again. Why did I always fall for such lies? I know now why. It was because I loved him so much I wanted to deny the truth... Then a few months passed. More unhappiness, but he kept flirting with me. He liked to try and play me. He couldnt. I blocked him and deleted him for good. It was hard but I managed it. I becgan talking to one of his ex girlfriends and we hit it off really well... Until she said she loved me. I still havethe email, but I dont want to embarrass her so I'm not pasting it here.
. Anyway, things began to get better. I saw this place. Joined, and met loads of really nice people. I became friendly with a couple of them -- and realised that they're -are- actually guys on earth who don't just think of screwing you over. I liked one guy in particular. Dante. -- and to cut a long story short, he liked me too. I was forgetting about my ex boyfriend more day by day. So here I am today, ex-free and now with a great guy... writing this journal to give you a small look at what it's like to be me... But for now I'm too tired to write anymore. So for now...